I was diagnosed with bipolar nearly four years ago. I was treated really well with Epilim, until I fell pregnant with DD1 (I already had a DS who is now 20), then I had to stop it immediately, and take high doses of folic acid.
After DD1 was born (2yrs ago), I had severe postnatal anxiety (couldn't take her out in the pram in case the wheels fell off, or a car mounted the pavement, or a swarm of bees attacked us, etc). I refused to take any medication as I was breastfeeding, and I convinced my psychiatrist I was well. However, I became more unwell & by that christmas I was seen in an emergency & started on Lamotrigine.
I found out I was pregnant again a few months later, and was given Stelazine (which I didn't take).
Strangely, although I get severe mood swings, I'm much more 'stable' when pregnant.
DD2 was born sleeping at 37 weeks, at the end of October last year. Obviously that was a hugely distressing event. My psychiatrist visited me a few days after, and started me on Lamotrigine, and referred me to the crisis team, for support - to be honest they didn't help, they tried to get me to go to the day hospital, even though I wanted to be with my family & grieve, and arrange the funeral etc.
I went high over christmas/new year, then became very depressed in late Jan/Feb. I was prescribed Citalopram, which worked beautifull - but I then went high again. So it was stopped.
When 'higher' I began to diet & exercise, and so far have lost 4 stone. I've suffered eating disorders in the past, and I'm now displaying the same signs (I'm scared of eating much). My psychiatrist is now worried about my weight loss.
I'm very depressed again. I saw my psychiatrist two weeks ago, and she recommended I take Aripiprazole as well. This was faxed to my GP, but they have refused to give it to me, telling me I need to see them, and I couldn't get an appointment until next week.
My health visitor is now seeing me weekly, and seems to think that I need to take DD1 out every day, and if I talk to people it will be good. I don't find it helps, I don't want to have small talk with others - I in fact don't talk to others, not even at toddler group when I'm down.
I feel like a crap mother. I'm failing DD1. I get so down that I just walk out - I've done it quite a few times. I've tried to check into a hotel, but they didn't have room (DD1 was looked after by her dad at the time - I didn't just leave her, and nor would I).
I feel that my life is not significant. I can't be bothered to wash, or even brush my hair right now.
The only time I feel marginally better is when I exercise... but I find it hard to 'bother', and quite often DD1 won't let me, which makes me feel trapped.
I'm also irrationally terrified of hospitals. When DD2 was born I had a failed 35 hour induction, during which my womb ruptured. I had an EMCS, and she was laid next to me, lifeless & with red (bloody?) eyes, and then they couldn't stop my bleeding... it took a few hours to stop it, and I lost 3.5ltrs of blood, and had four blood transfusions.
I know it could be grief I'm feeling, but it doesn't feel like it - I've felt this hopeless in the past... but I just don't don't know how to lift it?
My HV suggests I take DD1 to the park, and I'll get exercise too - but how the heck does that work? I feel I have nothing to look forward to, and am ruining DD1's life, just like I failed with DS.