Writing a diary - does it help you?

[mulranno]

I used to write out a lot of the confusion in my head and I think it helped - it was a sort of moan and then sometimes a plan but rereading was so depressing as it was always the same stuff and same solutions which were never actioned just time distance between. I dont do it any more as I feel blocked and exhausted emotionally. I dont talk to friends or family either as I know I just bore them I even bore myself - as nothing gets sorted - its all cyclical and I have been moaning on for years. I dont want to be seen as a draining person and also my confidences have been betrayed. Thats probably why I dont write down my issues either as this gets read. Maybe I just need to committ to some talking therapy once and for all.

I kept a diary for a while and I think it helped a little. When I looked back on it I could see my good and bad days (at the time most were bad) and it was good just to get it all out.

Make sure you get a lockable one though.

thanks orangeflutie - my diaries never had any good days! - I didnt write daily - just scribbled when feeling overwhelmed - might have been nice to re read some happy events etc

Can you say a little more mulranno about why you feel so emotionally exhausted. I suffer from intermittent depression and do find writing down how I feel a slight help, as it sort of gets it out of my head onto the page, and stops me moaning too much to my DP!

If you are emotionally distressed and have never tried therapy then I think that would be a good place to start.

I've kept a diary for over 20 yrs. Started as a teenager written almost daily.
As I got older & had nosey house mates the entries were less frequent.
Now I only write every couple of months.
My diary has taken many guises over the years school books, school folders, cheap A4 writing pads, leather bound books etc. I love my secret diaries & worry abt discovery, but love the freedom to explire my thoughts. I never lie & treasure them as my history.

I kept a journal throughout my "bad" periods; mostly when I was single after splitting with my bf of 11y. I filled several books with random thoughts and experiences - but while a lot of it was bleak, depressed stuff and hard to read back, there was good stuff in there as well. Reading back the good stuff is ok.

Overall it was positive for me to do it - helped get the shit out of my head, for starters.

A friend of mine had a "black book" for writing down only her negative/depressive thoughts - again, it helped her to get the stuff out of her head but because it was all negative, she didn't read it back.

I haven't written one since having DS - although I did start a "DS journal" to keep track of what he was doing, but it kind of fell by the wayside

Perhaps you could have two diaries - one for the shit stuff (which is just mental dumping) and one for the more positive experiences?

Thanks for the responses - it has helped me see that writing it out is a dumping ground only and that it is OK not to reread -- I think the rereading makes me feel that I have achieved nothing as I have lots of ideas as how to "get on top of everything" - but in reality it doesnt happen....maybe I set myself too many tasks/routines etc. What might be stopping me write now is the feeling that I should be checking back to see what I have set myself> NanaNina - I am on my 3rd bout od depression and this time I am looking at taking the ADs longer term. My life is busy with 4 children, working full time in a v demanding job, troublesome team and one with sen and serious money worries>

OMG mulranno I don't know how you are still standing with what you have on your plate. Did the ADs help on the last 2 occasions? Are you back on them I wonder. If they did work I think you should stay on them for life if necessary.

I wish I had done that. Had my first severe episode 15 years ago following the death of my dearest friend and was in hospital for 3 months. I made a complete recovery and was back at work within 2 months of discharge from hospital. Over the years I tried to come off them, accepting advice from GPs but each time I had withdrawal symptoms and went back on them (I knew I had become dependent upon them (but not addicted, as I'm sure you know the difference) Finally in 2008 I saw a psychologist and she helped me get off them very gradually - I was on 100 mg a day of imipramine (an old fasioned tryclic AD) and I reduced 10 mg per month so it took me 10 months and was finally off them by July 2009. 3 months later I had another severe episode of depression and again in hospital for 3 months, but this time I haven't made a complete recovery and still have bouts of really bad days from time to time. I am definitely staying on them for life, and wish so much that I had never come off them.

NanaNina - that is really interesting that you have made that decision and I dont see why it needs justifying. Why is it different from any other biological chemical imbalance such as diabetes? the aim would nt be to be tablet free if you had diabetes - whereas with depression the consequences of under treatment are potentially catastrophic not just for you but those who have to live and endure the depressive episode.

I had bad pnd after no 3 in 2001 which lasted at least 2 years - then another pnd after no 4 in 2006 (big gap in between these two children as terrified of pnd again) - just off the ADs 2 years later in 2008 when my mother died rapidly and traumatically at 63 from ovarian cancer - so tumbled back into depression again - go off them in 2010 only to lapse into depression again by 2011 (for no reason this time) - so back on ADs for a 4th time in 10 years - GP has suggested long term use - I have no problem with this as I imagine I will be menopausal soon so another depression trigger and I dont think that my children or marriage could take a 5th bout in 10 years.

It has really coloured their childhood, stunted my career and financial situation, impacted friendships and blighted my marriage -- I m hanging on to these ADs for a while - quite happy to justify my dependance thru this time with a challenging teen, challenging no3 with sen, debt etc which I mentioned before. i am grateful they work and I am going through the motions of family life without the irrational anger, shouting, short fuse etc which characterise my depression and which I have inflicted on my nearest and dearest too often for too long.

Oh lord you have had it tough - very tough. Incidentally my first severe episode of depression at age 51 was following the death of my dearest friend (closer than my sisters) and she died of ovarian cancer at the age of 46. Just 8 weeks from diagnosis to funeral, leaving a 12yr old, 16 and 21yr old. It is known as the "silent killer" isn't it because the symptoms are so insignificant and things that everyone gets like indigestion, and bloating, and constipation etc. It does have a very low survival rate, probably because by the time it has been diagnosed it is too late.

I think you should hang on to those ADs for a very long time, if not for life.

NanaNina - Same for my mum 8 weeks from diagnosis to death - mild general symptoms for 3 weeks beforehand - then rapid decline over a week resulting in emergency surgery when OC was diagnosed, never got out of hospital and suffered a hideous, traumatic, painful death.... ADs keep me calm, stable, able to work and chug along with family life.....so as good as it gets really. I wish you well.

Oh mulranno that was so unbelievably quick for your mom. My friend had the symptoms for some months and was telling me, but I just thought it was indigestion and suggested she got some Rennies or something! As for the constipation I said she ought to eat fresh fruit as she didn't like it. However once diagnosed she hah an oopherectomy (like hysterectomy only removal of ovaries too) and she seemed better, but it wasn't long before the cancer spread and after the pathology reports they found that the ovaries were a secondary site, which was very bad news.

She actually died from septacemia (blood poisoning) because her bowel had ruptured (think the bowel and lungs were primary sites) They treated her with anti-biotics but said that even if they got on top of the septacemia, she would only have 3 months to live. She actually died quite quickly in the hospital, which I think was a relief as we didn't have to see her suffer. Ho awful that your mom had such a horrendous death when she was in hospital.

My sister died on lung cancer in 2006 and she spent the last month of her life in a Hospice, an if you have to die, that is the place to be in - they were wonderful, and kept her pain free all the time, and supported all of us in the family too.

Glad you are managing to cope - thank god for ADs - I don't think they became available until about 1958, so how people managed before then, beggars belief. I remember when I was a kid a woman who lived near us drowned in the canal and it scared me, but I look back and think she must have had severe depression, which was untreatable.