How do you know if it's stress/not coping or depression?

[ThisIsYourSong]

I've got a rather stressful home life at the moment (3 under 2, with two of them rather difficult). I feel like I'm depressed and reading online I seem to to have a lot if the symptoms but I can't help feeling that anyone in the same situation would struggle to cope. We only moved here 18 months ago and so I have a few friends, but no one I can rely on. Some family close by but no one who is prepared to help us and Ds3 is 16 months and yet to sleep through the night. So I think it's a given lots of people in this situation would feel isolated and unable to cope, helpless to change the situation, irritable with the kids, etc.

Lately I've been feeling tearful, dread my husband leaving in the mornings, get really angry with the kids and feel like everything is on top of me. I feel I really need a break from the kids and am feeling removed from them, then feel guilty and like I am letting them down. I will see my gp but am just a bit confused about whether this is depression or just plain overload and lack of support.

Sorry about the long post - TIA

Go to your GP and ask them. I was like this (but due to work not kids) and was forced to go to my GP my DH (not in a nasty way, but in an "I care, please go" way).

She was brilliant and diagnosed me with mild depression and gave me help with things (counselling and mild AD's).

They are (usually!) the best people for the question.

Thanks, and thanks also for replying so quickly. I'll make an appointment with the GP. Good to hear you got good help and got it sorted.

I'd be interested to know how you get on. I am feeling similar, and wondering if it's down to a combination of poor health, worrying about investigations into a potential life changing condition, worrying because dp's ex is having serious mental health issues which mean that I worry about her and him and the kids, plus I haven't seen DP for a few days as he has the kids and they aren't allowed to stay here and I'm lonely and I miss him. I also have a stressful job! Add on the guilt of being a full time working mum and I think it's pretty much a recipe for disaster, but like you I worry if it's something more.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I hope you get on ok, please post an update!

Saveme That sounds an awful lot for anyone to have to deal with!

Good advice from carpe to go to the GP. I've taken ADs in the past and they have given me the lift I needed to crawl out of that pit and be able to function on a day-to-day basis. In conjunction with some form of therapy or counselling, this is the most successful way to treat depression.

Hope ŷou get an appointment soon.

I've been treated for anxiety and depression with counselling. The best advice my counsellor gave me was to go out in the fresh air every day, even though I struggled with being out, but it really worked. I had Panic attacks and jelly legs all the time. But a walk in the countryside made a huge difference in time. Get your self out with the little ones. It's less stressful being out with them rather than shut in. Go to the park, find a toddler group, kids library sessions in the hols. Try an get some exercise, a massive help to me, is there a crèche at a gym or pool.....

With regards to therapy, I've had both person-centred counselling and CBT. I didn't get much out of the first type but CBT was perfect me, even now almost ten years later I can still use the skills it taught me to get through the low points.

I'm going to say this with great caution, as I have no medical training and am just offering an opinion for you to consider. I live in Germany where there is a widespread belief (generally and among doctors) that MILD depression is best treated with a mixture of counselling, cognitive strategies, exercise and possibly St John's Wort, and that ADs are not most effective for mild stress-related illnesses. They frequently have major side effects that also make life even more tough to deal with, they can take a long time to wean yourself off, and perhaps most importantly - they do nothing to address the real underlying issues for your depression, if those are to do with your environment rather than a chemical imbalance. However, I'm also a firm believer that ADs are probably the best strategy for more serious depression, and only your GP can really determine how serious your illness is, so s/he has to be the first port of call.

Darrow, good post.

I agree with you, I think it's medically proven that depression is best treated without ADs in the long run (and instead by the methods you mention). However, due to waiting lists etc, as therapy cannot usually start straight away, I also believe that ADs can give you enough of a 'lift' to be able to cope with the day-to-day.

I agree with the side effects and that they can be hard to get off.

Thanks again for the replies, it's really good to hear from people who have been through it. We do get out most days, but just getting all three dressed and ready to go and then into the car is pretty stressful in itself, plus Dt1 is fairly clingy and anxious so even being out can be hard work. Then when we get in I have to do 3x nappies and if it's been wet/messy 3x clothes changes etc so that's pretty full on. We do go out for walks too but it's winter here so quite a lot of rain lately.

I've found out about a nanny school and can have a student four mornings a week which is more affordable. I do worry about what would happen after the 20 weeks and whether this is a good environment for a student but think a bit of help and nog having to deal with it all on my own might get me through this period.

I'm still breastfeeding DS3 so am not sure medication is the best way forward anyway but hopefully my Dr can advise, she is great.

Sorry for the massive moaning post!!

Saveme, hope your Dh is back and you are getting some support. I've got no idea how working mothers do it, let alone with everything else you have to deal with.

this I presume ŷou have twins?

Yes, but it's actually one of the twins and Ds3 who is 16 months who clash, they are both high needs in their different ways and compete over toys, attention etc. I thought things would be better by now as the twins are 2.10 although one is easy, gets on and plays well with both but he definitely misses out in terms of attention. Parenting is such a minefield!

I'm actually thinking about seeing if I can get any help for Dt1 as he's very anxious.

It sounds worth a go, if anything you will feel better for getting your concerns off your chest!

PS I have no idea how mothers of multiple children do it! I do sometimes have three around when DP's kids are here, and it's lovely, but they are all over five which must be easier. I can't imagine it at your stage!

Hi ThisIsYourSong,

I have jsut read your post and I am feeling EXACTLY the same way - you are not alone. I work full time from home, have recently moved to a new area so dont get out much. My husband is great but we have been stressed due to moving/changing career/money worries. My toddler is also being very difficult at the mo and I wonder if my stress is effecting him which then makes me feel very guilty. I have been feeling like this for ages but hoped it would go away. I think its time to visit the doctor and get help as like you, I'm not sure if its just stress or mild depression. Thank you for your post and making me wake up to my feelings : )
Have you been to the doctor? x

Aww Annon, sorry you are feeling this way too . I am in NZ and found this website really helpful: www.depression.org.nz/. Obviously the links etc won't be useful but there is an online test which can help you identify which factors are related to depression. I think for me when I felt my worst, even in the weekends I found it hard to come out of the fog and unhappiness I was feeling. I have the major guilts at the moment too, I do find it hard to let things go but this is more than normal. I think its related to be honest.

I did go to the doctor and she was great, I knew she would be. She said we can basically go down four routes:

• me changing things at home (am getting some help in)
• me getting some counselling
• drugs
• a combination of any of the above.

GP gave me some reading and one of the things it said was that 1 in 5 women have a major depressive episode in their life which I found really surprising.

She's referred me to a community based service for counselling and said I need to think/read about drugs myself. At that stage I think I would have said yes straight away but am now feeling a bit better. A horrible bug has just gone through our house which was absolutely awful, but DH ended up having four days off work and it was good to have someone else around. Might be worth thinking about a long weekend/few days off for your family to reconnect if you can. My DH is great too, but our normal life is just so busy and pressured we don't have much time to breathe.

savemefromrickets how are you doing now? Is your DH back? and how are you feeling?

Thanks so much to everyone who replied.