Failing

[minicorrect]

This week has been really tough and today it all came to a head. Nothing has 'actually' happened but I think a combination of extreme tiredness and constant pain just got the better of me and I snapped at DP one time too many. We now haven't spoken since Monday. Then I walked out this morning at 9.30 and only came back once I knew everyone would be in bed so I could pump as my breasts are really full and painful from not feeding DD2 all day. I have spent most of the day self harming which is the first in a long time but I still don't feel its enough. I don't know what's wrong but I do know I don't want to be here. My girls are better off without me.

Oh pet. Of course your girls wouldn't be better off without you.

Sorry this week's been so rotten. Extreme tiredness and constant pain together will get the better of most people. And if DD2 is little might you have PND?

If you've self harmed before, do you still have a MH team you can call? If not, please do get yourself to the GP in the morning. And please do look after yourself if you've cut.

DD was 1 last week and I think its all stemmed from that. I just can't believe she's growing up so fast and feel like my year off with her has been taken up by my parents making me into their skivvy. So its not PND and the self harming is just bruising as I had nothing to cut with. I've not been in the 'system' for decades so no team to help. And asking for help would be admitting how much of a failure I am publicly. I can't even talk to DP about this so certainly wouldn't talk to anyone else! I just feel like my heads going to explode. All these bizarre thoughts are crowding out any sanity left up there and I go from angry to sobbing. I need a release but I have no idea what it is.

I've seen this and couldn't not reply.

You are not a failure and your girls would not be better off without you.

But you need to look after yourself so you can be the best mum you can be.

Tiredness and pain separately can get the better of most people but together they are bound to wear you down.

Seeking help is not admitting failure - seeking help is a sign of strength and a willingness to overcome these feelings.

Talking to somebody - perhaps somebody totally uninvolved emotionally- might be the release you need - I know it was for me.

Morning, minicorrect, hope you're a little bit rested.

Can you manage to call the GP this morning? Even if things are (hopefully) a little better, it's probably a good idea to go anyway.