can anyone talk me through some of these issues? no faith in dr

[lostconfusedwhatnext]

Hahello,
Just want to air a few things, if anyone has any useful thoughts I would be very grateful.

I've had mental health problems on and off since I was 14 / 15 but didn't see anyone about them till I was in my 30s. Had an inconclusive bit of wet counselling (sorry for the non technical term) and a few months of citalopram. not sure if either helped, I did feel better but I always go up and down, sometimes a new interest or change of scene has a very powerful effect for a while too.

Then I had children, now 3 and a bit and 15 months. I found it really really hard. Very tough pregnancies, physically (nausea and SPD) and mentally (insomnia, anxiety, sometimes endless crying).Tried to get some help with the mental stuff in my second pregnancy, which eventually (after the birth) led to some visits from a very nice and clever HV and a load of old crap from the drs (an even cheaper variant of cbt which left me feeling a million times worse for reasons some of which are particular to me).
Feeling grim and semi-desperate most of the time, before the end of my second mat leave saw a GP who referred me for some "proper therapy" which starts next week.
Went back to full time work a few months ago and at first found it quite refreshing, enjoying being out of the house, no childcare worries (dp is doing it), etc. Then suddenly hit a wall. On Monday couldn't make myself go to work (got off the bus and went to a museum on the way in ) and when I eventually got there I could barely hold myself together and someone spotted this and their sympathy pushed me over the edge and I got sent home in tears. Cried for about 24 hours without stopping.
Went to GP and got signed off work for 10 days and she wants me to take tofranil (which is a tricyclic). She was quite aggressive about it. I don't want to. I feel exhausted as much as anything and I am quite shocked that she was pushing (yes pushing) that without ever having seen me before or knowing anything else about me (didn't ask about the past, didn't look at my notes, is sure I have hormonal PND but I don't think my problems started with having children)

Now I am at home wondering what to do next. Have slept a lot, almost stopped crying, feeling really guilty about neither doing work nor childcare. (I can work from home and I am a bit but not as much as I could be and there are big things I should be working on which are time sensitive)
Sorry this is so long. Just wanted to talk to someone. here are the things I want to ask:

Has anyone beat depression without drugs? (I have some therapy just about to come up, I am not trying to avoid the issue just saying trying different things first)

Please tell me it is ok to take a break, I am feeling very bad about not being with dp and the kids in the house but honestly I feel like I just can't. I really need to pull myself out of this state where I can't stop crying and I don't think throwing myself into normal life - which is what got me here - is going to help

I'm afraid I shouldn't have had children. I hate a lot of family life (although I love dp and the children themselves). I hate that someone is always shouting in your ear, I hate the way dd1 will repeat herself endlessly even as you are saying, yes, yes I know, in a minute, as soon as I have changed dd2's nappy, etc etc. It makes me feel absolutely mental, there are times when I could fall to my knees and beg her to stop talking.They are nice kids, many people have it a lot worse (seriously I know everyone loves their kids but some are easier than others and I really think we are lucky with ours) but I haven't enjoyed anything for ages, years really. Things we do out of the house are just things to pass the time, I never just see a beach or a castle or a sky or a picture in a museum any more, it never gets near me, there is a constant wall around me of NOISE (literal and metaphorical) which insulates me from anything which might nourish me. I am sorry that is so pretentious but that is how I feel and I feel I have got to the end of my reserves.

Is there anything I can do about that? If not, how do I survive?

I feel so guilty about all this. What is so very selfish is that I don't want to prop up an untenable situation with drugs. but that is what I have to do, maybe? as this is the situation. I feel like if I take something like tricyclics I will never be the same. I will never get off them, I will get fat, sweaty, sleepy, maybe problems to my heart and liver etc. And it will be all so I can be the machine I need to be to do my job and be fully available at home. And I don't want to. I really don't. I feel really sad at the thought that I have to sacrifice me, completely and physically, to keep doing what I have to do. and that is what being a mother is. So what do I do?

Hi, I read your post and I havnt got any great advice, I've never taken anti depressants but I was offered them once and didn't take them! if you feel so strongly about not taking them then don't. I think the doctors give them out too easily.

You sound stressed out but intelligent so if you think they are not right for you then trust yourself!

I completely understand your guilty feeling, I feel guilty about everything as I'm a single mum so feel responsible for everything! It's so hard.

I hope the therapy helps. It sounds like you are giving yourself such a hard time which I always do but it makes you feel worse! As I said no real advice but hope things improve for you. Xxxxx

Thank you for replying, Movingforward.
I hope things get easier for you and you can learn not to give yourself a hard time.

PND could well be the most recent trigger for you even though depression is something you have on-going since you were younger.

I am very similar to you and have been on and off AD's since I was young(now in my 40's). I have never been keen about taking them and have always tried to manage things in other ways...as you say...a change or a new interest to engage me differently...finding ways to distract myself away from the fact that my MH is not good, etc and coping in the best way I can....and it does help but it doesn't make it really leave me and it's always in the back ground to different degree's.

I have changed my thinking recently and have a different view of medication. I have Arthritis and worsening issue's with this. I have now started on anti-inflammatory's and I use pain killers and realise that this will be an on-going situation for me in managing this condition....so...why have I not been able to see that the use of AD's is likely something I will require to use, when I already know that my MH issue's are lifelong by nature???

I, like you, have hit peaks and troughs throughout my life and maybe I haven't been best serving myself by doing this...maybe I need to take the AD's and stay on a management dosage and make sure I am able to keep hold of the balance they allow me...instead of feeling better..coming off them and hitting a trough again...

I now see things this way and am recently back on AD's and hopefully when things are balanced out and I feel I'm in a better place with my MH, that I will lower the dosage on my GP's advice and continue to take the AD's for the foreseable future....it makes much more sense to me now and I have accepted that this may be the best route forward.

Like any long term health issue that can benefit from medication...maybe I need to do myself this proper justice.

I hope this helps you to look at things from another perspective and helps you to come to a decision about making use of treatments for yourself.

whatthewhatthebleep, do you mind me asking what anti-d you are on, and how you are finding the side effects?

I'm just started on Citalopram at 20mg's...side effects are weird tension thing in my jaw, some headaches and tension in my neck which I think is because of the jaw thing....just been taking them for 9 days so I'm expecting these things will subside. I've felt a couple of flutters in my chest and a weird sort of out of body thing/feeling...just lasted moments and gone again. I'm already starting to get some sleep though this is far from any good. I think I have eaten slightly better the past couple of days though this is far from any good either.
Just taking each day as it comes but in that have decided to relax my guilt, worry about all the things I'm not doing and if I'm all day in my pj's then so be it. I'm trying to see what I am doing rather than everything I'm not.

Thanks, whatthewhatthebleep. I hope this goes well for you.

thank you ....you too x

ADs are likely to give you a break from how you are feeling, to some extent. They could give you the strength to make the best of any talking therapy you are offered. It doesn't really make any difference whether the depression started before or after your DCs arrived, the main thing is that it is treatable.