My friend need some serious help

[Weathermerrier]

This is fairly long winded so bare with me..

A very good friend of mine is struggling BIG time and I have no idea how to help her.

She recently got out (finally) of a violent abusive relationship and has two children 2 and 1. She has almost no support from him whatsoever, he's still messing with her head and shes desperately depressed. She had a new bf and now he's left it's like she's given up on life.

She seems to get no joy from her children (I think it's PND) and cries constantly about how she can't be on her own. She gets almost no time off (I'd help but I have 2 young children myself)

The problem is is that I went through the same thing when my DD was three months old and I know that what worked for me was mentally picking myself up and forcing myself to slap a smile on my face and keep occupied (plus coucilling) but she's not like that. She says she's not strong enough, it's affecting her children massively, her DD (who is 3 soon) has severe communication problems and can barely speak. And I have regularly heard her shouting and swearing at them. She says she doesn't know what to do with them all day, she says she can't play with them. I'm not being judgemental I understand things are very hard for her but I'm extremely concerned about her.

She won't even try anything to help herself and I really don't know how to help her, she phones me almost every night in flood of tears.

What should I do!!!!!!

Could she get home start to help her. Youncould make contact with them and see if there is someone in the area who can help...

Can you get your friend to go and see her GP? They will be able to help, not only with medication if it is needed, but also with a view to referring her to her local Mental Health Team - they would be able to offer her counselling services, courses, someone to talk to. We have a local Adult Helpdesk where I live at the council, and you can call them anonymously if you are concerned about her welfare and for the welfare of her children. Do the children have a health visitor that you can approach?

Also, just being there for her with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on too will help. Good luck

You can also call the Adult Helpdesk for general advice too - check out your local council.

Thanks guys. I might try and get her to go to gp but she's just so unmotivated.

I know she's had help from social services before but she always doesn't turn up for things and dismisses stuff

I guess theres not much I can do beside be there for her :/

unfortunately there isn't much you can do for her unless she wants to be helped and wants to make the effort to change.
i would really try and encourage her to see her GP.
or, if you really think things are getting bad then perhaps you could speak to h er HV yourself? but you;d have to deal with any fall-out from that if it upset your friend- it's something I'd consider if I really felt she wasn't coping and that the children were suffering though

could you go round one evening once the children are in bed and have a heart-to-heart?
tell her about your own experiences and encourage her to see the GP? make a kind of action plan perhaps?

These are all brilliant suggestions thank you!!

I do try and talk t her about these things but she's such a jealous person she's like "what do you know you have everything"
She also kind of constantly flirts with my husband and tells me she wants one of him :/ that's kind of off the the point though lol

I'm gonna definitely try with her but I suppose there's only so much I can do

She sounds traumatised and very depressed, and following up on suggestions for improvement will be totally impossible for her. It sounds odd, but suggestions for self-help in that situation can be like kicks in the teeth because you just can't. It's like having no legs and looking down a 100m track while somebody shouts encouragingly "Go on! You can do it if you try!" The being dismissive is probably born of self-loathing and fear of failure - she thinks she won't/can't improve her situation, so it's safer not to try.

Agree with GP appointment. She needs it, she's ill. The jealousy and flirting things sound unpleasant but I think they're probably separate stuff she needs to work on in time (and you're a great friend for dealing with it!). The trouble is it's very, very hard to persuade yourself to do anything when you're severely depressed, so it's a matter of getting the GP appointment to happen. Would you feel able to call a mental health helpline (MIND has one) to ask how she should go about getting better, and say all the stuff about how she won't bother to turn up for appointments etc? You can call as a worried friend, they won't ask you for identity or anything, they should be able to tell you what services there are in your area and make suggestions for where to start. It sounds like the aim should probably be to get someone to visit her at home.

Thank you Mad!! You've just summed things up perfectly! I don't think I'm too good at explaining things :/

I know all about this really because I had very serious mental health problems a few years back. I had the local Mental Health Crisis Team visiting me on a daily basis until I started getting better.

She's in so much denial though, it's like she completely believes the reason she feels like is is that her life is terrible and not because she's ill.
Trying to arrange her some time off at the moment and hopefully we can talk about it then
Thank you so much everyone, i do feel very protective of her

Weather, yikes that sounds like you were in an awful place! Best of luck helping her, and remember to take care of yourself as well.