When does it stop??

[uptothestars]

A little bit of background...diagnosed with PND a year ago and currently taking 150mg sertraline. Recently finished a long course of CBT. Have two beautiful and amazing daughters. Back at work (which everyone agreed is what I need and how good it will be for me) crippling anxiety, a huge amoumt of guilt, rubbish head, horrible thoughts and a massive need for some kind of normality.

I'm stuck.

After the weekend off I'm back at work tomorrow, feel anxious, scared, butterflyie (not a word I know but that awful feeling of butterflies in your stomach) tearful, lost.
On the outside I look and act completely normal. Ok maybe the odd quiet moment, an occasional bout of anger, a few days of dry shampooing my hair instead of washing it. But to anyone else I don't look like there's actually anything wrong.
They don't realise how I feel, how I think, what's going on for me. How would they? I don't tell them.

But I'm not coping well inside. I can't ask for help because it looks like nothings wrong. So I think, if I can look like everything's ok, then maybe it is, maybe it's all just made up in my head and none of it's actually real. I mean, how would I know if I'd made it all up or not? Is that even possible? To make something up and believe it's actually happening to you?

I'm sorry if I'm going on I'm just completely confused. I'm panicking about work. I'm obsessing over a family do I've got over the weekend. I'm worrying that I'm hardly going to sleep again tonight. I'm scared of what's in my head and most of all I'm scared I'm not good enough.

You most definitely are good enough. That's your illness talking.

Perhaps you need to reassess being back at work if you can, maybe go back to your GP, even if it is just to update them with how you are feeling.

Lots of us put a 'brave face' on things, personally I think that's a huge burden for someone to bear, we need to be ourselves and be able to ask for what we need from the people we love.

I should really try to take my own advice there!

Thankyou. I spoke to my gp a couple of weeks ago, told him things had got worse, just didn't relate it to being back at work. Didn't want him thinking I was hinting for a sick note! In all honesty I would love not to be there. I can tell what it's doing to me.
But isn't it just putting off the inevitable?

Need to get myself into a positive frame of mind today and not really sure how. 4:30 seems a lifetime away and don't really know how I'm going to make it that far.
Why is it when you feel like this it can't just be one thing? Why does everything else that could be wrong pop into your mind..there's never just one thing to worry about