The negative thoughts are winning

[k2togm1]

Again me asking for help. Not a massive thing, just that everything that DH says I interpret negatively and fail to catch the thought until I am trully upset.
I finished cbt for ptsd a couple of months ago and should know how to do this, and have managed to use cbt successfully for most other issues, but not with DH.
Example:
DS and I just arrived last night from a visit to my family for 2 weeks. DH knows that I really want some time on my own. The garden needs a new bit of fence so the cats don't scape, and I am the handy person in the house so he says that it needs doing, etc. I go out and see it and it's a much bigger job than I thought and I say this. Later on today I get up from a nap with ds and dh says 'aren't you going to do the fence?'. I interpret this as 'do the fence now', he says he meant 'are we going to follow with the plan and you do the fence while I take ds out?'. On top of it, he thought that I was really looking forward to doing the fence and failed to catch my comment earlier of it being quite a big job, i.e. not something I'd want to do after a long trip...

I see now that there are too many assumptions in our exchanges, and that perhaps this should be in the relationships board, but I want the opinion of people with experience of cbt or mental health issues rather than people telling me 'leave the bastard'.

Sorry it's long and not very clear, I guess my head is not clear either.

Hi, sounds like a bit of mis communication.

I'm sometimes like that, changing "it looks like a big job" to "I'll have to arrange more time for a job that size" or "I'd like a bit of a rest before doing a job that size"

I have ptsd and have done some cbt. It can take a while to effect change every where. I still mis communicate alot though.

Def. mis communation natural! do you know of any resources I could look at?

Moodgym is an online cbt programme you can work through, with activites and worksheets. Other than that it's reminding myself to fully explain how I'm feeling, which sounds daft but does work.

Practising voicing my feelings helps, ie "I'm gasping for a " or "In a few minutes I'll have a " or "I'll have to take the car as I feel tired" etc, but really concentrating and saying how you feel.

It's also not madness if you have a few plants you can pretend you're talking to

Actually, I just thought maybe a drama class would help you?

Thanks for that natural, will check it out, and had not thought before about doing drama, have you done it? The thought kind of frightens me really

I've done some drama, it is uncomfortable but does teach you how to find and express emotions. As everything is overemphasized it means your natural levels of expression are raised and it does give a confidence boost. It's good for teaching you how to put a mask on if you feel anxious and need to escape without running out the room in tears.

If a class is too scary maybe something online?

Nobody would tell you to leave the bastard for that not even me!

Yes, you have miscommunications. It sounds as if DH is amenable to conversations around this, so I'll include you both in this bit.

Natural is correct that more clarity (or precision, if you like) will serve you better. You said "It's a much bigger job than I thought" which, really, is an observation. You may have been hoping someone would read your mind, which may have been saying "I can't face doing that now, it's a big job" or "This is going to take a long time, I will need X hours/days at least". Speech is more efficient than telepathy so it's best to allow yourself to follow your thoughts through verbally.

If DH's exact words were "Aren't you going to do the fence?" then you weren't imagining negativity; it was negative! People only say "Aren't you ... Don't you ... " etc when the presumed answer is No. Why would he have assumed you weren't going to do it? Perhaps he meant "Have you thought about when you'll be doing the fence?" or "Are you too tired to do the fence today after all?" Again, telepathy can't be relied on and it's usually a bad idea to assume replies before you've asked the question. It gets people's backs up, understandably!

I'm hoping both you and DH will be able to take this on board. Counter-productive verbal tics like this usually come from early years. It's possible that you were surrounded by people who always state the problem without the solution, or even discourage speech so you felt you mustn't say too much (a very British thing, that, and it's bollocks). I'd bet quite a bit that DH was surrounded by folks who think they know the answer before they ask, and who adopt quite a hectoring tone as a matter of course.

It's not as hard as it looks to overcome this sort of thing. If you're both up for it, you can good-humouredly pull each other up. Just for yourself, remember to follow your fact with a conclusion: fence is quite a big job so I will need more time / a rest first / whatever. If you forget at first, just do it again with the conclusion :)

You could also answer DH's negative enquiry with "What makes you think so?" though it'll be much better if you're both improving communication together.

Going back to Natural's idea about drama - Are there any assertiveness courses near you? There usually is one. Assertiveness training will both teach you to clarify and give you a bit of practice in a small group setting.

All the best!

Wowthanksgarlicnutter for many useful suggestion, I think ypu've hit it on the head and to say that I'm not assertive is an understatement . I really need to tackle this now or I'll grow old not knowing how to communicate properly .