How can I stop myself being so influenced by other people's moods?

[BeckyBendyLegs]

This is a really minor issue so thanks for reading! I think this problem I have is a big cause of my general anxiety. I am really influenced by other people's states of mind. If they are in a bad mood, I take it too personally, or I fear that they might take it out on me by being cross an annoyed, and feel on a knife's edge, and feel the anxiety welling up. I wish I was a bit more able to deal with a 'bad atmosphere' as it is so stressful and I'm sure if I were a calmer person I could help whoever it is who is in a bad mood deal with their particular issue. Or perhaps this is normal, I don't know. I do try to help the issue, or diffuse the situation, but inside I feel horrible. Mostly at the moment I am talking about DH who works really hard, and as a result gets quite tired and grumpy sometimes, he also, without realising it, moans about things about the house that are probably my fault such as things missing etc and I find it all too stressful and my stomach is in knots. I have told him about it and he just says 'you shouldn't let it affect you so much'. But I realise that I've always been like this, with friends and family too. Is there a way I can learn how to cope better or not be so affected by other people's states of mind? I hope this makes sense.

Becky, I've no idea if it's normal or not but I could have written your post! My DH is depressed, he has good times and bad times. When he's down I find myself behaving one way and when he's up I behave differently too. I'm finding this is really annoying me and I wonder why I can't just find my own mood, rather than always reacting to his? So I will be interested in reading any other responses to your post.

Becky,and emess as well,if Becky doesnt mind? Was there a tense atmosphere when you were growing up?

amillionyears yes I would say there was often a tense atmosphere when I was growing up. My parents split up when I was about eight and my mum worked throughout my childhood, she had to, at a very stressful job (a full-time ward sister on a cancer ward). She was often very stressed and tired at home and I did feel I had to tiptoe around her a lot. She used to get horrendous migraines on a Saturday morning as well. I don't blame her at all for that though, bringing up three children and working full-time could not have been easy for her at all. But perhaps it does explain a bit how I am now. DH works very long hours (he actually works mostly from home) but he seems so absorbed in his work most of the time that I feel that same stressy feeling, and if he has a phone meeting I find it hard to keep everyone reasonably quite (I have three DSs). I work from home as well. It sounds terrible to say this but I actually prefer it when he's at his office or, dare I say it, away working for a few days (he does this occasionally) as the atmosphere is so much freerer and lighter and we can dance around the house being noisy, and I don't have to worry about doing something to annoy him.

emess it is hard, isn't it? I do sometimes try to just be relaxed and on an even keel whatever but if DH snaps at me for something, because he's tired or stressed, I take it so much to heart (I even start thinking 'oooh he doesn't like me anymore, he will want a divorce now' which when I tell him later he thinks is really quite amusing.)

I am pretty much the same as emess and Becky Bendy. It's hard, I almost feel as if it's my responsibility to keep the whole bloody world amused or in a good mood. Any answers anyone?

The only source of tension I can really think of was that a relative I didn't like lived with us. I'm not seeing a connection (that's one for my therapist I think!). I do take it personally when DH is down. I had counselling a while back and she kind of convinced me that since it wasn't my fault that DH is down, then there is no reason to take it personally. I've since realised that although it's not my fault he's down, by reflecting his moods I'm perpetuating the overall negative mood, and not actually creating an atmosphere that's more positive than he is. If the roles were reversed (me depressed, him not) then I think I would find that behaviour incredibly annoying! Am I making any sense?

emess that really does make sense and gives me food for thought. I must drive DH mad sometimes with my catastrophizing about how upset I am when we disagree about something or he's stressed and I take it personally. Interesting.

Becky and emess.You seemed to have ended up in prett much the same situation,but the reasons seems to be different so the answers to you both may weel be different.
I am no expert whatsoever,so I will just try my best on this.

Becky,i would have thought how you feel and how you react comes directly from how you more or less had to be,as a child growing up.
You will have learnt certain behaviours and coping strategies then,that you are carrying on now.
But now,you have should be having much more power and control than you do.
He is your DH,not your mum.
I would have thought there are a lot of self help books about this.I dont know any personally,but it must be worth a look for you.
You probably need to work on your fear around your DH first.
perhaps you could start by asking yourself exact;y,precisly what you fear.
You could write a jolly long list.
You might even then want to show it to DH.I'm pretty sure,that some of it he will tell you not to be silly about,because it wouldnt happen.Some he may well say that he can see your point about,and some may well give hi.m food for thought.All assuming that he is a reasonable DH.

emess.Written a seperate post as didnt want to lose the essay of the last one!
First of alll I wanted to ask if your DH has a medical diagnosis of depression,or does he get down and up moods because that is how is nature is?

sensesworkingovertime,is your situation like any of the above,or is yours different again?
I'm presuming in all this,that Becky is quite happy for me to attempt to offer some advice to all three of you.

Hi amillionyears I'm very happy for you to help everyone here and thank you for taking the time to help :) What you say for me is very spot on. DH is a very reasonable person, more than reasonable, he has to put up with me for starters! You are so right, I do have lots of fears which I know in my head are really unrealistic (but its easy to know something in your head, but not act on it in your emotional response). I guess part of it is that I equate any disagreement with leading up to splitting up. I am terrified of being shouted at (it rarely happens with DH, but I've never shouted at him, I'm not a shouter). I am terrified of tension, of bad atmospheres, of him not talking to me for some reason, and ultimately of him hating me (he doesn't of course). I think if he is annoyed with me for some reason and is sulking about something (he likes a good sulk) it means he hates me and we will eventually split up. Logically it makes no sense I know. People fall out all the time, it doesn't mean they hate each other. And we really do hardly ever fall out, but I'm scared of it happening. I don't always tell him I'm thinking this though as I know its silly. I have friends who are couples and they bicker ALL THE TIME like Terry and June or George and Mildred and I don't get that at all! We don't bicker at least.

hurrah that you have a resonable DH!
Sounds like your ultimate fear is of him splitting up with you.
It doesnt to me sound like he has any intention of doing so any time soon.Actually not at all.
You are actually very fortunate to be in this position.
I have a guess though,that if 100 people told you this,that it wouldnt make much difference.You would still be fearful.
I think you need to start to see this as your personal issue,which has almost nothing to do with your DH.Apologies if what I am saying is wrong.And obviously,I can only go by what you have written,and I may have read it wrongly.

No, not at all. You are completely right. A really good friend of mine has very similar issues with her DH but in reverse. They fall out, she shouts, he doesn't, and he assumes that it means they are on the path to splitting up. Perhaps it is too simplistic to say that because him and I both come from broken families that is the reason why we think like this, but I am sure it is part of it. As a child you see things very simplistically, parents fight = divorce. And because in my case it really did lead to that perhaps in a warped way I still see things that black and white. My friend, though, says it drives her bananas but she thinks his view is very warped. Her DH even writes her little letters when they fall out saying he doesn't want to lose her etc. They are such a lovely couple together as well.

I do need to work on this fear I feel and put things in a better perspective.

Thanks so much for your advice! It really helps to see someone else's view on a situation.

It might help you to write discreet notes in various rooms,with such things on it as,"if DH and I have a disagreement,he is not going to split up with me",and other things you can think of.
I read somewhere,not sure if it was on MN or not,that if,beacuse of what we have seen and witnessed in our life already over a number of years,it can take our brains the same amount of years to unlearn it.Not sure if this is true or not,but I suspect that with constant readjusting and reminding to our brains of what is real,it does help them to click back more to where they should be iyswim.

amillionyears, BeckyBendyLegs - thanks for your responses. My DH is being treated for depression. But, in a reversal of Becky's situation, he's the one who is catastrophising, not me!

"I am terrified of tension, of bad atmospheres, of him not talking to me for some reason, and ultimately of him hating me (he doesn't of course). I think if he is annoyed with me for some reason and is sulking about something (he likes a good sulk) it means he hates me." See, this is me, and I'm the one who's not depressed (DH is). When my DH behaves like this, I am influenced by it: I am very careful about what I say and do so that I don't upset him further - which is ridiculous, isn't it? I'm confused by my own behaviour!

Becky, the comment about 'rewiring' your brain sounds like neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). I'm not sure I can explain it briefly so I won't try, but might be worth a google? Basically you can train yourself to lose old associations, eg fighting=divorce, if you become aware that you are making these associations in the first place.

DH just lost a dear aunt. For the last 3 years she knew she was dying. She had been a widow for 18 years and has lost close friends and family in the last 3 years. In spite of that she remained optimistic, interested and interesting to the end. She had a gift for living in the present and enjoying the here and now. I hoped DH would take a leaf out of her book, but I may have a long wait.

I'm going through this at the moment and find that DH's mood sets the tone of the whole house. Which is not happy atm.

OP, don't have much advice, but just wanted to say I relate totally. If anyone (but especially my partner or my mum) is angry or upset, it makes me feel awful. And the worst thing is, I get annoyed with them then. I try not to show it, but it is so hard for me not to take it personally.

emess and others,I can see how hard it would be to keep the mood up.And the problem is that I am not sure you can do much about your Dh or DP,as in they cant just snap out of it.

do you have enough time on your own,purely on your own,so you can find your own natural equalibrium?
I personally find nature great for this.It is like,whatever happens,the weather keeps on happening,time keeps going,trees keep growing etc.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and "feel" other peoples emotions, whether its someone I care about, or a character in a book. So I understand.

I'm currently on the waiting list for Cognitive Analytic therapy (or CAT), which is focused around finding the reasons for your thought patterns, and then changing them. Might be worth considering.

Hope things get easier at home.

SirBoob, snap, I have have BPD.

I sometimes can't even stand to hear if someone is upset. The other day, my boyfriend was pretending he was upset that someone wasn't coming to his birthday party, he wasn't even actually upset, but I got so distressed. It's HORRIBLE.

I used to be the same about inanimate objects, if I chose one chair over another, I'd feel bad for the other chair. I know that that sounds bonkers, but I still get it a bit now, mostly with things like teddies or other animal-looking things.

Oh my gosh I am so glad to hear someone else say that. Sometimes, if I'm looking at a menu, and I pick option A, I feel guilty for option B, worried it will feel rejected. That's just an example, I feel it with everything. Which drink will be least upset if I choose a different one? Will the duvet cover be angry at me if I change it?

Shit I'm crazy

SirBoob and yellow,if you dont mind me asking.how do you feel about yourselves?
If you were on a desert island,nobody else or nothing else to think about or care about,except yourself,what would you think.
I am not a professional person by the way,just an ordinary poster,to make that clear.

If there was someone in your life who abused you mentally every day, put you down at every opportunity, told you that you deserved to be treated like crap, mocked your attempts at everything, threatened you, made your life impossibly difficult, whispered that even when you were feeling happy you would suffer for it... You would cut them out of your life as soon as you could.

You can't do that when the person abusing you is yourself.

SirBoobALot,I think that is the most sad post I have read on here.

You must have been through more than I can ever imagine.

Am being very careful as I write this.Do you hear voices,or have people done awful things to you in the past,or something else.You dont have to tell me anything you dont want to.And if there are past threads you have written,you could point me in that direction if you wanted to.

And just to say,this may be beyond what I can help you with,but I will give it a bit of a try.

Thanks amillion. Today is a numb day so I can talk about things objectively. I won't post any more about my own experiences on this thread as don't want to hijack, but thank you for your kindness, its much appreciated. x

Thanks anyone here that's trying to help myself and others, this is how MN should be( amillionyears). I suppose my default settnig is thinking ' I must be wrong' even when I know I'm right...does this make sense?