Is it possible to help someone when they're pretending that it's all ok?

[Littlest1]

This is a family member. We don't have a particularly close relationship but I do care about her very much.

I know that she's been unhappy for some years really, I'm pretty sure she has had quite severe depression at times and there has been a fair bit of alcohol abuse, mostly binge drinking. She would never admit to any problems, wouldn't talk about how she felt and I don't think she has ever been to a doctor about it. I don't think she really has any close friends that she could talk to either.

However, a few nights ago I was at her house, she was drinking and ended up in tears. She said she hates her life, doesn't think it will ever get better, is fed up of pretending to be happy. She said that she has thought about suicide and there is only one good thing in her life which stops her from actually harming herself.

The next morning she laughed all this off, in a 'Oh God, wasn't I drunk, what was I saying?' kind of way, but I'm 100% sure that she meant what she said and it is how she's been feeling. I really really want to help, and think she should see a GP but she just pretends nothing happened and will completely ignore me if I raise the subject.

Is there anything I can do?

YES!!!

Why not suggest she goes for a run with you? Or a yoga class? or you look after her kids (if she has them) while she gets her hair or her nails done?

Organise a picnic. Introduce her to some of your friends you feel she would get on with.

Organise a crafty night and invite her along. Get her knitting or something.

You don't have to suggest her going to hte GP to get help.

Short answer: no .

Said from professional and personal experience.

Or you can be a kind person and do as worry suggests; being there for somebody always helps, just don't expect that you can turn her life around if she is not ready to challenge herself.

Definitely worth paying attention to, if she has kids - they need a mum and a happy one at that.

A simple 'how are you' in the right setting may invoke her to open up more (don't give up if she doesn't open up) but if she doesn't, suggest to do something you both will enjoy.

It may be deep depression but it may be just 'one of those days'. If it's real depression, she will need to be in a position to want help before anyone can really help her.

Thanks a lot for the responses. Some good suggestions there, worry. She doesn't have kids herself, but actually really enjoys being around my kids (and is fantastic with them) so I'll try to arange some things we can all do together. There's also something on locally that she's interested in, that happens once a week so I'll try asking her along to that.

PacificDogwood and StarryCole You have confirmed my feelings that she needs to be ready to get help herself in order to make any real changes, and I'm not sure that she is.

Do you think it would be too intrusive if I wrote a brief letter and just said that I'm here if she wants to talk?

I think a letter would be acceptable. Perhaps a 'thinking of you card'?

I wish you were my family member, you are so kind!!

A letter sounds great - she might find it easier to talk about it in a letter back to you rather than face to face.

Do you think your friend will get worse without proper help?
Does this cause you to be upset or feel helpless about not knowing how best to help your friend?
If yes, then for your own sake at least, please talk to one on the many MH charities such as MIND. They are there for caregivers and concerned rellies & friends alike and can provide good advice.
Also, you can see your own GP and ask them for advice on a suggested approach too. GP consultations aren't always just for the actual patient concerned (albeit it wont be patient specific it may also help with some of the concern burdening on top of your shoulders too).