Is this normal?

[PackItInNow]

My beloved MIL and dad both have cancer (MIL advanced pancreatic cancer and dad has advanced renal cancer). The problem is that I don't feel any sadness, devaststion or anything like that, even though I know they're dying. I thought back to throughout my life, and when close relatives and friends died, I felt little or no emotion at all about dying or death.

I'm not numb about things as I'm still enjoying life, I'm happy and in love with DH and our kids and have a few close friends.

What I'm wondering is if the lack of emotion is normal or not. It got me thinking as I was berated for not being sad at all, and moving on so soon after the death of a loved one (I started getting on with life as normal as soon as the funeral was over and I went home).

What is your attitude to death?Do you see it as an end,a beginning,inevitable,or something else.
I am a little consious here of ending up making you sad,when it may not be necessary for you
Have there been any relatives,or even pets that you have mourned?
And finally,did you have a normalish childhood would you say?

We all handle death in a different way, some people deal with the practical issues and carry on and don't show grief, but it doesn't mean you don't have feelings or care the same as anyone else.

I can be quite similar in that I rarely get emotional about these things, but I lost a very close family member at 3 years of age - I don't remember anything at all from that time, but I know other family members suffered quite badly so I wonder if that is why I am quite matter of fact about it now?

Could you perhaps talk with a bereavement counseller to talk over how you feel, they may be able to help reassure you.

LOL @ Million, you won't make me sad, so don't worry. However, you may well make me think about why I'm like this .

I just see dying as part of life. I see it as something we're all doing from the minute we're born, it's just that some people die quicker than others IYSWIM. It's like it's a transition phase between this life and the next one we take on. Sound weird, doesn't it.

I've lost many a loved one, some very close to me, but I still felt the same way. I had a normal childhood climbing and falling out of trees, playing footie, etc.

Cezzy I've thought about seeing a counsellor, but they won't be able to change the way I feel. Believe me, I've tried. I've pushed myself to go beyond my comfort zone and try feeling sadness, but I just don't have that emotion when it comes to death and dying. I'm literally shrugging my shoulders and thinking that life can be shit, but I just gotta deal with it.

It's not something I'd worry about, PIIN, unless of course you're thinking you may get a double dose when losing a parent in near future. My feelings about bereavement were always of loss to myself, giving various degrees of sadness, and only secondarily thoughts of person who had died and end of their life. I'd say you had a sensible outlook, but why does it matter if it's "normal" or not?
Sorry for imminent loss of parents, and hope you don';t find it too painful.

The thing is, though Cezzy, I don't feel sad, depressed or any other emotion connected with your average person going through bereavement.

My feelings about bereavement were always of loss to myself - I think they always are, except for pain and misery suffered by the deceased before dying. Grief is 80% shock for most people, PackIt. As horrible as this is, a long illness tends to prepare you somewhat for it so the shock can be less. Your beliefs are cushioning you, too, as you don't see the person as "gone for ever" in the way that grumpy gits like me do!

You seem to be aware of your feelings and open to new ones, so your attitude looks very healthy.

Would you feel differently if it was your child, OP? How would you feel if it was a friend's child?

Showtime, thanks for your post. MIL is not going to make it to Halloween. She's getting weaker and weaker and is in more nd more pain, but there's only so much pain relief the Dr can give her, and ATM, she has as much as she is able to be prescribed.

I don't think I'll get a double dose of bereavement, because I lost my maternal GP's within 4 weeks of each other (was closer to them than anyone else in my family) and I just went to their funeral and went back to work, bright as a button, the same day. This was all done without a problem, no tears, no sadness etc. I just carried on as usual. In fact, the only time I felt slightly sad was when my tiny catfish (Kitty) died a few months back. But even them it was business as usual.

The problem I have with this is that I don't think I'm like other people. Most people will feel sad/depressed/tearful at the loss of a loved one. Ijust don't feel any of that at all. It's almost like I'm detached from it all. That's what makes me think that it's not normal IYSWIM.

I agree that it is not very normal as far as I know.
But if you havent been made this way by an event that has happened in your life,and you dont feel detached from other things that you think you should feel attachment for,then I would just accept it as being how you are.

Imperial, I would just get on with things if it was my own child(ren). I don't see that I would have any other choice TBH. I would probably feel slightly sad, but not devastated about losing a child(ren). This could well be because I don't believe they'll be totally gone. More that their essence/spirit is being prepared to take on the next physical vessel (body), and that death is that transition phase IYSWIM.

I'd be there to do whatever I could for my friend, but I would feel no emotion about the deceased, just sympathy for the relatives left behind. When a loved one dies, I am left thinking that their belongings have to be cleared out and either sold, given to charity or kept for the kids. There's no emotion about it.

I was thinking that if/when DD decides to get engaged to her DP, then I'll ask them to give her her Nanna's engagment ring. That way the ring will stay in the family and it won't cost the DP anything. If I was to give it to DS to give to his DP, then it could well leave the family if they break up and that's not what DH or I would like TBH.

You mentioned Halloween.Is there a reason for that?

It's the holiday before Xmas over here in NI. We don't celebrate Bonfire night on the 5th November, so Halloween is the holiday I suspected she would pass away by IYSWIM.

It might not be "normal" per se but it might be normal for you.

I lost my dear mum in January after a short battle with cancer. Two weeks after diagnosis we were told it was terminal and she died a few weeks later. I didn't fall apart whilst she was ill. I think I subconsciously went into coping mode and I did feel not normal because of it. Everyone else was devastated while I was just getting on with things. Perhaps that's what you're doing too.

Be kind to yourself. We all have our own ways if dealing with things and where death is concerned I don't think there is a right and a wrong way.

It depends on whether it impacts on how you treat people now. Would you be more inclined to take unnecessary risks yourself and with your children if death is not a big deal to you? If your detachment causes you to be blasé about life then in my opinion it would be a problem. If not and it just helps you deal well with things not in your control anyway then it can be seen as a positive thing.

I tend to analyse situations and decide what the risks to my kids are. With minimal risks, I may decide to go ahead with what I was intending. With bigger risks, I'll rethink about going ahead and decide when I'm sure any risk is extremely small and to my satisfaction.

What got me thinking (apart from being berated for not showing enough emotion and moving on too quickly) was every time I had gone to the funeral of a loved one, I've just sat in the service thinking about what's going on and why I'm not feeling sad or devastated like everyone else. I have racked my brains, pushed myself out of my comfort zone to try experiencing sadness, but the latter came to nothing, whereas the former didn't come up with anything.

It's like there's an empty space where there should be emotion IYSWIM. I just find it strange, that most other people would be in tears at the death of a loved one and although I've experienced sudden death in relatives and prolonged suffering then death in others, it hasn't made a difference to how I react and deal with it.

'Normal' doesn't really mean anything when discussing grief / bereavement. People have very different reactions and as long as they are able to cope with those feelings then thats fine.

Do you have a problem with how you react, or is it that other people do that is the biggest worry? If the problem is what other people think, then your feelings are fine for you.

Could you have autism or aspergers, by any chance, OP? AFAIK, these are the two conditions most lacking in empathy and compassion, which is what usually makes us feel sad that someone has died.

Do you miss the deceased person though, rather than feeling sad that they are gone do you not miss their presence in your life?

OP, I wondered how this affects other parts of your life. If your husband said he wanted a divorce, how would you feel? If you wanted to divorce him - and he'd done nothing wrong - would you feel guilty that you'd hurt him?

What happens if you see someone crying? Do you feel upset in sympathy?

Ultimately, what is normal? What is normal for me may not be for someone else and who are we to say we are normal and someone else isn't. You are there for your friends and family when they need you, you are helping them when they most need it and you are showing care and concern now, which is important. Too many people don't see family for ages then cry when they are gone - what good is that. You cope the way you need to and you seem to have a positive attitude to death and what adventures await us once we have passed over, which I think goes a long way to acceptance of death.

Imperial I don't feel upset, I simply think "here's my friend. They're upset and they need comfort, so I'll give them a hug and let them have a good cry if they want". It comes naturally for me. As for divorce, I would like to think that there is a reaon for either of us wanting a divorce and we wouldn't go for it unless there was a good one, but I would move on very quickly and not dwell on it. After all, if I or he was sure it's what we wanted, then I can't change that.

MrsJohn I do miss them, but it's like I miss them in the same way you'd miss something you enjoyed, but you can't do anymore IYSWIM.

Theala, I'm too busy to think about being on the spectrum. My beloved MIL has been told, by me, that she's to move in with us, as she's not fit to be in her flat by herself (still too frail to be on her own). I will not put her in a nursing home as I've worked in them and I know she'll be feel more comfortable and happy having her family around her when she passes on. I would deal, quite happily, with the care and personal care (bathing/washing etc), keeping her as clean and dignified as possible and all that entails.

Cezzy You needn't ask me what's normal LOL, I have no idea and just get on with what I've got to do each day.

I was talking to a lovely, wise woman and she told ne that "Death is just the passing on of the physical body. Your essence keeps going and will be in contact with the essence of everyone you loved" I thought that was a fab way of putting it.

FedUp, I'm sorry to hear about your mum. How are you coping with her passing?