im slipping back in to a very dark place and it seems I have noone.

[spingey]

I had depression a while back, I can feel it now looming over me like a dark cloud. My house is filthy and the poor kids need their mum.
The house is so bad that I dont know where to start. There are dishes in the kitchen covered in mould.
My sister is insisting I look after her dd tonight (who is only 6 months) I have told her I cant and she has flown off the handle with me. Im not looking after my own kids properly, adding a baby into the mix is a bad idea.
My mum is in a world of her own and I have tried to.call her but she isnt picking up(probs ignoring me) non of my friends would understand this so I cant really call them. Im so tired, I had flu a few weeks back, now im on antibiotics for an infection and they are making me feel.rough. The past few days I have wished I was dead.....i would never do anything because I didnt do that to my kids, they are my everything but it a horrible thought that is stalking me.

I feel so alone.

I'm here. Can you get an appointment with your doctor today?

No I hadn't thought of that, they wont have any appointments though. Just put the kids in the bath so I might get a few mins peace before they start fighting.

Ring and insist that you need to see a doctor. Write a list of what you think you could do today. The dc's will be clean so that's one thing done. Why is your sister insisting you have to look after her dc? How old are your dc's?

Just managed to speak to my mum, didnt even get as far as telling her how low im feeling before she told me she would call me back......she wont.
She wants to go out to a party and will only leave the baby with me......her dp wont have the baby overnight and she has stupid reasons why she wont leave her with anyone else. My dcs are 4&5. Ds heard me crying and got out of the bath and cuddled me (he is the 5 year old) told me he will tidy up once he has finished his bath.....bless him. I dont deserve my kids.

Tell your sister no if she still insists go out when she is due round. Its ridiculous her dp won't have his own dc. Could you contact homestart I'm on my phone so can't do a link. They can offer you some help with your house. All you need to do is get through today worry about tomorrow when it's here.

Are you ok spingey?
When I am feeling as rough as you must be feeling,i tend to ignore my thoughts as they tend to be rubbish at that time.
As brightermornings says,you just need to get through today.

Whereabouts are you, spingey? How are you at the moment?

Sorry to hear your in a low place atm when things get on top of me such as the house i switch off.
Atm im heading that way too i feel so numb and im not really bothered about anything, were due to fly off on holiday on monday but i would rather just stay home