Is it possible to have bipolar, depression AND anxiety - what am I??

[Summerbum]

Bit of a ramble post...

I've posted last month on MN as feeling at wits end about family life. Today, I feel like a zombie, sad yet detached from reality and thought I'd post on here to see if anyone can help. Doubtful as what I'm about to write is a real mixed bag of emotions....

I can go into work with the 'happy' mask, none of my work colleagues know the real dark side of me, I'm just someone who listens to their problems and is taken advantage of because I'm so nice and a good friend. The thing is I'm not, I'm unhappy and no one at work can see it and I'm starting to feel like I'm starting to crack up....

Homelife is a complete contrast. Two children I adore but who cause me stress and frutsration - not listening, bad sleep time routines, tantrums, the lot. Today the youngest who is 2.6, has discovered they can climb out of the car seat. Every car that went past whilst we were stuck in heavy traffic, seemed to have someone giving me a disapproving look, that how could I jeopardise lo's life by letting them clamber all over in the car, it was hell: I shouted and pleaded with him to get back in the car seat to no avail. When I eventually got out of the jam, I'm ashamed to say I smacked lo on the hand, never done that before and lo's distress has made me feel like, yet again, a shit mum. I haven't been able to speak properly tonight to DH or DGp. I'm irritable, robotic, sad (but yet no tears) and feeling like these last few months/years I have been given a shit deal.

It feels like I am a coin, some people see the funny/carefree/chatty me, some people see the morose/moody/nasty me. I panic that I am seriously affecting my kids. I'm convinced they will be delinquents as they must pick up on my moods and they seem to deliberately act up.

The final thing i will add is that this weird/black black mood, I think was triggered when we moved house after my first was born. I hate where we live, its so clinical and unfriendly. I remember the day we moved into this house, I knew I'd made a mistake and now years down the line I blame the house and even my DH for the way I now feel.

I'm sorry for the all over the place recent history but can anyone tell me is this depression or anxiety? If I once again go to my doctor (been before but nothing achieved) will he put me on ADs. I'm overweight already and couldn't face any more weight gain. That sounds so shallow.

Sorry for the ramble hope someone out there can help me.

Depression and anxiety feed off each other so they are often intertwined. When I got depressed it was as a result of my anxiety. Antidepressants changed my life. Go to your GP and ask for help.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you are having a shit time.

I don't think anyone can really give a proper diagnosis from here... But I can say its tough dealing with any kind of low when you have kids. Because they carry on regardless!

I doubt anyone will have judged you as much as you are worried they would wrt DC in the car. Most people are busy getting on with/worrying about getting through their own lives without anyone noticing their fuck ups :)

Be gentle on yourself and try to talk to someone outside of your situation (counsellor, Samaritans...)

(those were alternatives to gp btw...although I agree gp is good starting point am not sure if you feel like you've been down that route and gp wasn't helpful?)

Thanks lady and ginhag. I do need to talk to someone, hence posting on here tonight as feel I'm feeling low/spaced out/ sad and silent in RT but active and chatty on here.

My thoughts are all over the place..

Not all ADs make you gain weight - most made me lose weight, but everybody is different.

It sounds like ADs is a good place to start, and maybe some counselling?

I don't think what you're describing is bipolar. It sounds like depression and anxiety, which like ladywithnomanors said, go hand in hand.

MY DCs are a similar age to yours - 4.5 and 2.5 and they drive me absolutely up the wall, as I've talked about on this thread here. Maybe some of the things talked about there will help?

If you've already been to the doctor and got nowhere, then try a new doctor. Depressionand anxiety are as real as heart disease and diabetes, and as treatable.

GP wasn't sympathetic, i did get referred to counsellor but we didn't connect, felt quite patronised.

I think I have both, done the online tests and I was wondering would a new GP put me on ADs. or does counselling/therapy work better?

Thanks Arana, I'm worried if I went down the AD route, what about the side effects? I work in a high pressured job, I don't feel I could take time off for them to work, equally I'm worried the side effects may affect my abillity to perform at work.

I will read your thread Arana. My mood is more than the kids driving me up the wall. I don't feel joy in anything at the moment. The real me is like a humourless robot, which when in social or work situtaions is masked by my happy exterior. I'm such a fake.

That's exactly what I'm like, and then some. Find a GP you trust, they should prscribe you ADs, and try them.

It sounds harsh, but what do you have to lose?

Nothing you've said suggests bipolar. Your happy moods sound perfectly normal mood variations.

Depression and anxiety do need properly diagnosing and treating however. Can you see another GP if your own wasn't sympathetic? That should really be your first step.

Ypu could change GP or see another one in the same practice. Does your work offer a counsellig service at all or if you have the cash, a private CBT or hypnotherapy course maybe if you want to avoid ads? Before starting ads, it is worth a few quick blood tests to rule out anything physical like low iron or thyroid problems, my hypothyroidism caused mood swings, depression and anxiety. I'm all fixed now :)

Thanks for your advice all. Arana - I could really relate to your situation as that is how I am.

I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and just in a bad place. Will try and get an appointment, not sure what treatment they'll suggest, feel like nothing will work currently, didnt get much sleep last night.

Fedup - relieved that it might not be bipolar. I'm in the grip of some emotion that feels hard to get out of. Bearly said two words to DH as he went to work with kids, my only communication to them was about getting dressed.

Going to see if I can sleep now before I pick up youngest from pg at lunchtime.

Thanks MNers

Arana - do you think your problems are linked to thyroid as well?

Arana - do you think your problems are linked to thyroid as well?

I honestly don't know.

I hope so, as there seems to be a much higher success rate of treating hypothyroidism rather than depression. Not to mention that thyroid medication is cheaper than ADs (not in the UK).

What are your moods like when you are not depressed? How long do the good moods last? Are you gregarious, upbeat, euphoric? That's bipolar and I am. Anxiety tends to go with every "mental illness". You sound particularly stressed and irritable which could be signs of bipolar hypomania - you don't have to be happy to be manic. But saying that, it sounds more like depression. What about a referral to a psychiatrist if you think it's more than run of the mill depression? ADs work well for depression, but not for bipolar. Being a mother can be terribly stressful, don't beat yourself up for shouting or the occasional smack - it sounds like you really care for your children or you wouldn't be posting.

I think trying to diagnose on the internet is not a good idea. I think you need to see you GP as everyone else has said. It is sometimes a good idea to write down (in a list) what your symptoms are, leaving nothing out. Use the words you are using on here, and add anything else that you can think of. Not all people cry if they are depressed.

I can't help noticing that so many MNs are afraid of the side effects of ADs. All drugs have side effects (even paracetomol) and very often side effects will wear off over a few weeks. If the alternative is feeling like you do, then it's a no-brainer isn't it. Sorry I am talking about depression when I have said we shouldn't try and diagnose.....only the GP can help really.

As for weight gain what does that matter if you can feel well.

Don't forget that you will not be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard a hundred times before. 1 in 4 people will have a mental illness at some point in their lives.

Thanks again, sorry if it sounded shallow NanaNina about the weight gain, but I'm already overweight and feeling self conscious about it and worried about side effects from ADs. Just after I had my second lo, I went on a Pill that really messed me up physically, so am wary of medication. But you're right if it improves my mood I should try.

Diamond - the last few days since I've posted I've felt happier and have been out, and tried to keep busy but still feel the sadness and frustration deepdown. All it takes is a flippant comment or something bad to happen and my paranoia and upset kicks in. lately I've been more sad and lonely than happy. I have definitely pinned some of my melancholy on family and home life.

Not had chance to go to the doctors but will be doing, although it will be a different one to the previous one.

Thanks