Bipolar - do you worry about feeling happy?

[babyheaves]

I've always known I had depression as its happened periodically throughout my life, but I've also had times where things have gone brilliantly and I've not given it a second thought.

However after being hospitalised and diagnosed with Bipolar 2 in the last three months, I'm looking at my current happy mood and feeling worried. How do I know whether this is me feeling genuinely happy, or whether I'm flipping into hypomania? If its the latter I'm then scared that I'll get depresssed again.

I've never been concerned about an "up" mood before, but knowing that it may be part of the illness, rather than an improvement to my MH is a concern. I know that theoretically since I'm on quite a hefty amount of medication I shouldn't be swinging, but the worry is there.

Does anyone else with Bipolar have these worries? How do you work out what is normal happy and sad and what is a warning sign of mania?

My brother has Bipolar as well and was diagnosed (as most of those Bipolars are) through a period of manic where he thought embers of a fire was "pretty" and sat in them. He was pulled out by mates and has skin grafts all over his legs. He didn't feel anything - until later.

He is very careful what he reads or watches. I remember him saying he wouldn't read anything that would trigger an episode of potential mania. Anything that would contribute to that mindset. So any kind of extreme thriller on TV or a program or book about aliens.

He has kept it very much in control.

I guess the point (and I am really only talking from his experience) is to manage it. To manage the emotions and to know that it's just better to be on an even keel rather than to swing between many highs and lows (as most of us seem to do).

I was diagnosed as depressed and for now, I try very hard to keep my emotions flat or happy. I don't allow myself to wallow and have (fortunately) been able to manage 6 months a year without pills and 6 months with. I've not been on any ADs for nearly a year now. But am very careful to not allow myself to continue in negative situations as I know that my mind just can't handle it..

Good luck. The mind is a bitch of a place to get lost in... :)

Thanks for replying so quickly :)

I think its bothering me so much as before when I've been extra happy and confident, I've seen that as the 'real me' and now I actually know that its the hypomanic me.

Its a bit of a revelation when you're middle aged and had thought you pretty much got over the who is the real me? shite that you go through when you're a teenager.

I am on quite a bit of medication so I shouldn't swing. Theoretically, of course as I do swing but it's very short bursts of mania (less than a day now) and long periods of depression. I am going to see my Psychiatrist next week to finally change my meds after six months of being on these.

I worry all the time when I start getting happy, productive and when I'm not tired by 10pm. I've been sleeping less and less even through the lows now and the line I used to recognise is blurred. DP doesn't know what to do and my DC's don't understand why mummy is sullen, exhausted and doesn't want to make dronks every ten minutes or run around the garden with them.

It's a tricky bitch, this illness.

Yes, its tricky all right. I still feel detached from my children after such a serious bout of depression, followed by a lengthy hospital stay. Like I need mummy guilt on top of being ill

Mental illness sucks hairy arse. Big time.

It must be so hard with children

How do you cope?

At the moment they are going to their GP's during the day as I'm still not well enough to look after them on my own for any length of time.

Its not all bad. When I first was discharged from hospital I couldn't look after them alone at all, so when DH went out both the DC's and I had a babysitter . Now at least I can manage them alone for a couple of hours at a time.

This is a potentially silly question but are they old enough to understand or are they still babies?

They're both young. Both understand that I'm ill, but thats about as far as it goes. The elder has SEN so about as much understanding as a brick and the younger one is still very little.

At least they can understand that it's you and not them.

My brother did get fairly ill as well but if its any consolation, he manages fine now and lives a fairly "normal" life so it's completely manageable. As with anything, try not to let it rule you (which I am sure you don't).

Remember that our medical diagnoses do not define us. They are only a part of us. It is very much up to you how much you let it rule you. Let yourself be happy when you are happy without worrying too much about where it will lead. If you worry all the time that something bad will happen, then you spend too much time focusing on the negative. And then you let it win.

It can't win :)

Yep! However, I've started noticing the difference between highs (i'm also bipolar 2) and general happy/contentment. I was really worried when I took meds that I'd loose my happiness, thats not happened at all. I always found my highs to be a bit uncontrollable and overwhelming, thats not what I'm like when I'm happy.

I'm now med free (as I'm preg) and have been fairly stable for almost a year (a little low a few weeks ago) Stability was alway a huge issue for me as I had ultra rapid cycling bipolar. I've no had a major up or down in 3 years now (2 medicated and 1 year off)

no but it annoys me when other people go if am a bit more energetic or having more interesting ideas than usual

I worry about getting depressed and not being allowed antidepressants

Hi babyheaves,

I'm going to go away and come back later with a real response - this is on my mind so often as well and I want to give it some proper thought.

Guru Remember that our medical diagnoses do not define us - so true. I should have that tattooed on my forehead

I had a meeting with someone from the CT who said I was coming across as upbeat, but in control, not manic, which is a good thing. I've passed that onto my DH so he can stop fretting that I'm going to cycle again.

I agree with guru that it doesn't define me. I'm still "me" first, with a bit of something extra thrown into the mix. I am not bipolar. I am babyheaves, mother, friend, and manager of minions who just happens to have bipolar as well.

You tend to worry about these things when first diagnosed, you often wonder if your good times and joie de vivre and bubbly personality were all down to just the bipolar. I do think the "happy times" are part of hypomania rather than "normal" periods. That sounds horrible, but most people with bipolar would agree. I don't feel I am normal or stable unless medicated. Now that I'm on lamictal I feel good and have no worries about getting too manic or crashing into a depression. I used to cycle rapidly but I haven't had a depressive period for almost 3 months. Sorry, I haven't read the other threads.

BTW - you are still the real you and bipolar is just one facet of who you are, maybe like an exaggeration? I am now very comfortable with my bipolar diagnosis.

I'm still doing titration for lamotrigine which I think is the same as lamictal. When I get up to the full theraputic dose I should be able to start coming off the quetiapine, but it all seems to be doing its job at the moment.

Have faith that lamictal (yes it is lamotrigine) will keep you stable. I don't know if you have blips on this drug or not. It's worked wonders for me and I'm still not on the therapeutic dose yet --- hence get a bit hypomanic, but not too bad. Bags of energy :)

Baby heaves how did you feel when you didn't have your children?

How did you feel when you did have them?

My DD has been going to the childminder from 9-5 most days to give me a 'break' from being stressed. When I was put into hospital for second time it was due to stress of looking after little one. I had thoughts about hurting her :(

I'm much better now though and have been looking after her the odd day here and there.

When I was in hospital I didn't feel anything about not having the children as I'd detached myself so much from life and was so depressed that I just didn't care. Before I was admitted I was just completely incapable of looking after them and they went to childcare as usual, but when I did have them I was horrible and shouted (or cried) lots.

Now I'm out I still feel a bit detached to be honest. Its slowly coming back, but I'm not looking after them by myself except for the odd hour here and there and have got childcare for them throughout the school hols as I couldn't manage them both.

I have a good dose of mummy guilt about that, but it was part and parcel of my being ill and its getting better.

I can really empathise with this. I was diagnosed two years ago and it took a long time for me to be confident about who the real me was. The real me isn't as super confident as the hypomanic me and in some ways its much easier being hypomanic me. I've got much more sensitive to my symptoms - sleep dropping,racing thoughts,anxiety,irritability and I up my meds. It takes a lot longer to get truely well than you think it will - it was over a year for me once medicated. However once you are well you will become brilliant at self monitoring - I'm very stable on low dose meds and not seeing my pysch more than once every 6 months

My DP was diagnosed as Bipolar when he was in his 20s and he's now 37. His teenage years, 20s and early 30s were horrific, with plenty of stays on psych wards, all different kinds of meds and suicide attempts. But he's doing a lot better now. I can totally understand what you're saying, as he used to mistake any kind of joy/excitement for the start of a manic phase, but since he hit his mid-30s, he seems far more able to see the difference between genuine happiness and the beginnings of mania. He is not on any meds now and is doing very well at work, which would have been unimaginable ten years ago. He knows to be cautious, and just to stay mindful of his feelings, but he's in a happier, gentler place. What handmedownqueen says about self-monitoring and giving it time is true. Take care. x

I'm BPD, so not bipolar, but there are a lot of similarities. I totally understand the fear of being happy. I worry not only if its just my illness, but also about what will happen after - because you might be happy for a bit, but that means you'll feel crap later. Very often I find myself simply being numb. I almost prefer that - I'd rather feel nothing than some stupid extreme.

I delibrately talk myself down when I feel happy because I am frightened of the long term affect of this. And after all, if I feel suicidal, what does it matter, as I'm worth nothing anyway.

^^ Just being honest, please no one get worried, am in a blank place today!

I find parenting very difficult sometimes. Today I have had to retreat to my bedroom, having put on the TV for DS (2.8) and left him to occupy himself. He pops in to speak to me at times, and I go and see him, but (unfortunately due to expiernece) he is very good at playing by himself when needed. Feel like a terrible mother, but I just can't do super happy mummy act 24/7. Agree with feeling detached. I make sure I tell him 1000 times a day how much I love him as I never want him to know that some days I feel nothing at all.

(PS I hope its okay I've posted, being BPD and not Bipolar, please tell me if you want me to go!)