Want to cut myself over the washing up.

[FanjoAndGash]

Hi I have NC'd as I don't want people to know how rubbish I am.
For a long time I self harmed, cutting, burning, trying to break bones blah blah... I only ended up needing hospital treatment once so not very bad. I started cutting aged 14 and the last time I did it I was 20. I was diagnosed with depression aged 14 and on and off different types of medication and different types of therapy until I was 22 when I came off of Sertraline to conceive my son, he is nearly 3 and perfect in every way. I am now 26.
Today I feel like cutting myself (I have wanted to cut myself many times since I stopped doing it, it was always more of an addiction than anything else). This is because dp has yet again just dipped the dishes in the water and put them on the draining board instead of actually washing them (see rubbish) now I have to do them again. We also have just had confirmation that our deposit from our last house will not be repaid because we can't prove that the house was a state when we moved in because dp never took in the amendments to the inventory. He also hasn't sent off some important paperwork regarding this house which means we will be out of pocket when we move out of here. His general apathy is doing my head in.
Ds starts nursery in September and I'm going to miss him like mad.
I want another baby but I'm scared of being fat and failing at bfing again, I'm scared dp will be looking at other women again while I'm pg and I'll turn into a paranoid mess again. My episiotomy scar still hurts and I don't want another forceps birth. I feel like I've left too bigger gap,I really want another baby though, I ache for it.

Sorry my brains just seems to have emptied on the keyboard, and If had to log off quick as dp cam in

Oh, you poor thing.

You know I can really relate. My partner is rubbish at housework and I am really depressed too. I haven't self harmed for a while, but when he does something like that (he's ok at the dishes, but he'll hang out the washing 3-deep so it doesn't dry and that's after being asked 10 times to do it) I get so anxious and it all comes out in anger. I scream, I chuck things, I smack my head off the wall (which I guess is like self-harm).

So really I have no words of advice, but I wanted you to know you're not alone x

Its not the washing up, is it?

It seems to me that you need more support than your DP is giving you, and that he is not doing things that have to be done, such as the paperwork.

Do you have any other support? Can you speak to a friend, or a relative?

Try not to think about having another baby until you are in a more settled place. There is no right or wrong age gap, you are only 26yo and have plenty of time to have a second child.

Where did you get treatment for your depression? Can you go back there and tell them you need more therapy?

See your GP as soon as you can,tomorrow if possible.
Then some of the things in your post wont seem so bad.

Hi sorry I haven't been back, dp was hanging around last night.
Dp is so supportive of me, he works hard and does his share of the housework and childcare, and he loves me. He just doesn't listen to me and does all the jobs badly which is what gets to me. I feel like he doesn't value my opinion. WRT the paperwork he is terrible with that sort of thing, I 'run the house' and organise everything, including our social life and all our money. He was in a lot of debt when I met him and lied to me about getting into even more debt when I was pg and ds was very young. Now I don't trust him to look after out finances at all, the reason we are no longer in debt is because I gave him all my savings and when they ran out my dad lent him the rest of the money. I accept that this is what had to be done for our family, and I am not as resentful as it sounds about it!
yellowraincoat your reaction to things sounds just like me, I feel really angry and lash out at cupboards or clothes or something and then feel deep sadness and helplessness.
I really don't want to go to my gp, I live a long way from where I accessed all my previous therapy. There's no way I will go on ADs again and I don't want to be a mental person again!
I feel better today and I really appreciate your replies, I think getting some of my thoughts down on a page is helpful. I don't have anyone in RL to speak to because I don't have any friends and my family would be hurt to know I'm feeling like this again, I put them through enough when I was ill before.
:)

ok,come back on here again,if you feel the need again.