thoughts of self-harm

[teahouse]

Every time I get a down period, I get a compulsion to try self-harming. I won't as I'm not great with pain, and it's are a cry for help and I don't have anyone to help me so there would be little point (very long time single mum). Also, I'm 46 so a bit too old to start this sort of thing.

I am starting CBT soon and I hope this will help, but I keep imagining what it would be like to cut myself. If I think about it long enough I can almost imagine the cold of the blade on my flesh...this scares me a little.

Does anyone else get this feeling?

I'm not suicidal - got kids to finish bringing up so am needed (they have a pretty useless father) but the thought of being dead doen't scare me - although dying painfully does ;o)

Hi Teahouse

I self harmed for about 6 years and CBT was a major factor in my stopping.

It's not the end of the world if you cut. Not even close. But I wish I'd never started. It does become an addiction and then as well as the pain you have to deal with the marks, the mess and the hiding it from your DCs and everyone else.

The advice I was given in CBT was to do something nice for myself when I wanted to cut - whether I felt I deserved it or not! Even if I was just hugging myself instead of hurting myself, at least then my hands were busy.

I don't know if that helps, but if you'd like to PM me about it any time, feel free.

If you've never done it before I would fight it tooth and nail to make sure you don't start now.

I think you're bang on saying it's crying out for attention - and there's nothing wrong in that at all - nothing!

But you have to recognise it for what it is and try and express the pain you're suffering inside another way.

And there are other ways, lots of them

The CBT is an excellent start, don't be put off if it takes a while to get going or you find it or the person doing it isn't for you, just try somewhere else.

Is there anything you can think of that might have triggered it specifically, or is it just a general accumulation of shite?

Do you have people/a person you can talk to about it in RL?

Thanks for this both.

AZ, no there is no one in RL I can tak to about this. I am socially quite isolated. There is a trigger which is connected to my worrying about my future. If I live on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis I'm fine, but anything longer than this and I can't cope; I'm worn out with all the responsibility of single parenting for so long (over a decade) and that I don't really mean anything to anyone beyond the kids (kind of feel pointless really).

ESO - I am good to myself quite often because if I'm not, there isn't anyone to be good to me. I buy myself odd treats and make sure I'm always well groomed. I learnt a few years back that I had to be a little bit selfish but maybe I need mroe of this.

I self harm, I would strongly recommend not starting, it is a nasty trap. It has basically fucked me and my life up I cannot say how much I wish I had never discovered it.

This might sound trite but IME the imagination of self harm is not the reality - the pain is different to what you expect, you cut deeper or not as deep as you planned, it is messy, the pain is vile. Sometimes I can imagine a self harm so clearly and then I (stupidly) do it and it is not like that at all and it all rather feels like a pointless exercise. And then you embark on the quest for the cut which culmnates in more pain and mess and stress and upset.

I think there can be communication in self harm, keeping a diary can be useful for that and CBT will be good because you can have an outlet and a place to learn to manage your feelings.

And something I find comforting is that thoughts like this are normal - intrusive thoughts about something you don't want to do or shouldn't do are normal. When I am struggling with intrusive thoughts around SI I remind myself that this is not nice, but it doesn't mean I have to do it and it is just a normal reaction to circumstances. Does that make sense? Thinking about it does not mean you will or need to or even want to, it just means it is out there floating around the universe.

I would definitely have a bit more of that, Teahouse!

Another piece of advice I was given which helped me, very like what Fluffy said - when the intrusive thoughts come, don't put energy into fighting them. Just acknowledge that they're there and that that's how you feel and remind yourself that they WILL go away. Then let them go. Almost as if you're watching them walk past.

There are lots of people here who get it, and who will listen. As for pointless, you're doing an important and difficult job, you sound articulate, thoughtful and self-aware. How many DCs do you have?

Teahouse, please don't start. I self injure and I experience it in the same way that fluffy does, I can imagine it and what it will be like and then it never is. My DP self harmed as a teenager and has some very noticable scars on his arms 15 years later.

What does work for me sometimes is to break my thought pattern with a change in sensation, rubbing an ice cube on my hand, touching a rough piece of fabric or just something that just makes me feel a sensation. I've even groped a bag of lentils and felt up pineapples in the greengrocers.

I've also had CBT and identified my triggers and whilst I haven't stopped completely, it is reduced. I felt very similar in that although the idea of dying painfully was terrible, the thought of being dead was ok, almost welcoming. That isn't because I wanted to die though and I'm sure it is the same for you, it's just that you want the shittiness to stop.

You do matter. As the daughter of a lone parent, I have so much love and respect for how hard my mum worked to bring my sister and me up, despite her depression and isolation. I hope I can be as good a mother as she is (and undoubtedly you are). But you also matter to the people who have replied to you on this thread.

Keep treating yourself kindly, go for a massage if you can manage it. To have somebody treating your body kindly and rubbing away the tension can be a real sanity saver I find.

Have you tried meet ups to meet people/mums local to you. If you're in the Manchester area, I'd be happy to meet you for coffee/tea/lunch sometime.

Thanks for the advise. Really, really helpful.
I know that imagining and doing SI are not the same which is why I've not done it - I am a real coward and I know that cutting would hurt and I would have problems hiding the cuts - that would not help me, or my kids and would cause issues at work. Plus, as I mentioned, I know it is a cry for help, but have to help myself, so it would be self-defeating.

Thanks for the tips of sensing something different in order to cope, and also on letting the thoughts just be there. I have tried emotional accupunture/focussing which helps a bit but sometimes I get so caught up in the 'shitness' of it all, that I forget this helps. I will make sure I carry something rough in my bag to see if that works (doesn't everyone have a scouraging pad in their handbag I shall say ;o)

One of my main fears is that my mum role is almost over - in a years time DS2 will be off to Uni (his brother will be leaving Uni next year too) and so I will be more a mother.
My life has revolved around my kids including making sure I got an education to get a job that meant I could afford to buy a little house for us all to live in.
Once my main role is just work (which on the whole I love - very demanding, very full-on and very little free time; although not great pay and can only just manage the bills), then I am scared the real pointlessness of life will take over. Yes there may be grandchilden in the future and yes, I will still be needed (their dad is useless and neither DS likes their stepmum), but there will be times when I see no-one but a checkout person.

I need to be needed by someone - to get that validation that I am even a little bit important and all I can see is that everyone seems to have this, and I don't therefore don't deserve it. I have a very good friend who stays with their spouse even though married life is not great; but I don't even have that - not that I would want that mind (I'd rather be alone than in a crap relationship...been there far too often and this is far better). But there is a loyalty there that I have never experienced and it makes me feel worthless that no one wants to be with me.

Sorry, this is overly long and I will be saying all this to the counsellor. Needed to get it out there though.

I was going to say something similar to you about the actual act of doing it.

You could do it and feel 'better' for a small amount of time, but with it comes all the shit you have afterwards, sorting yourself out/getting medical attention, thinking up plausible reasons to say what you've done to other people (which you suspect they don't believe), then there's the guilt which is much worse than the feeling you started out with.

Much better to put the energy you'd expend with all that on finding another way, which you seem very determined to do

You must know that now's the time to start widening your life to include more than your family to fill those days and make them meaningful.

Anything you've wanted to learn about and never got round to? What about volunteering for a while? Everyone has a book in them

They probably sound shitty suggestions, but you sound so self aware and just need to bridge that gap between now and what you know you need to make you happy.

I am starting CBT mid-week and if that doesn't work then I'll try hypnotherapy to see if I help myself get sorted out; how stupid for a middle-aged woman eh!

Life hasn't been great to me but I'm not destitute, or dying of some awful disease so I really ought to be counting my blessings and getting on with things. But it isn't that simple and the past haunts and controls me and I must get over this to have some sort of future.

I have several ideas for a book but I'd not make a good writer sadly ;o(

Not at all stupid, Teahouse. You're recognising your problems and doing something about them, that sounds like pretty intelligent and mature behaviour to me.

Let us know how the CBT goes.

Is it definitely a cry for help? Or is it more about self hatred and wanting to hurt yourself?

I get them in a similar way to you. I hate them, I never act on them, but they are so strong and poweful. I try to ignore them when ever I can. I don't even know why I have them, I don't think they are a cy for help.

Anyway, I try to ignore wherever possible. I do find when I am on a good ad which is working properly then they go.

How did your CBT sesh go teahouse?