Pls tell me how not to give a f*** about judgemental people

[Nanabana]

I'm not sure if i'm on the correct topic, but...
I live within a large family... my DDs, DH, and DH's family. Everyone helps somewhat (DH especially), but ultimately I have a lot of responsibility. I prioritise other's needs over DDs and DHs, which makes me miserable. I want to please the others so I don't get criticised for not having a handle on everything.

Now I am more efficient and am able to dedicate time to myself and DDs. However I know i'm being judged because as a result, i'm not spending so much time doing stuff for others. Don't get me wrong, they still don't have to do much, they still have a pretty served upon hand and foot lifestyle.

I really want to learn how NOT TO GIVE A **@# about what they think. DH is supportive, and is happy to tell them to F off, but it changes nothing. I also don't want to waste my efforts explaining myself to them. I just really want it to bounce right off me.. pls help i'm desperate, makes me anxious and upset and has done for a long time

and sorry for the long post

I'm pretty sure there are self help books about being more assertive.
Great that your DH is being very supportive of you and is happy to tell them to off.
Im actually trying to remember how I got to the stage that you would like to be at.And actually cant remember.I will probably remember in the morning.
Meanwhile you may want to post this in chat.Exactly as you have written it on here.
Im pretty sure you will get lots of posts very quickly.

Hi Nanabana,
Could it be that they are using you because they can? I am sorry that is tactless and don't mean to be hurtful to you. If you are not available to them long enough ("So sorry, my schedule is full right now") they will eventually move on to use someone else. And they are using you. I do not know your culture, of course, so if there is an expected role for women to fulfill, it may be more difficult to set boundaries of other people's expectations of you.

And then the hard part is bearing up through the comments wispered, or not, that are effectively shaming you because you are not being their puppet. "Oh how dissapointed they are in you" or "how surprised they are that you are not doing x-y-and-z" can be very hard to stand up to, but you must to maintain your hard won ground. I say they can be disappointed and surprised all they want. You are right in not explaining yourself to them. That just gives them ammunition to use against you.

Try looking at it this way: their hurtfulness isn't about you. This is complex and hard to understand at first, but their judgementalism is about them establishing superiority over you. Therefore, their hurtful words aimed at you are not about you, they are simply tools they use to get their needs met. They have probably said the exact same things (like a script) to the one(s) they used before you came along. I hope this can help you depersonalize the circumstances, speak with your feet and walk away without taking their bait. See it as that: bait. Leave it. Make your DDs quilts and then make yourself one-there, you are unavailable for the next 2 or 3 or 4 years at least!

Long post? Nonsense!

I think Electric is right.
Say to yourself,in your head,or write it down on notes in your private bedroom,"it is not about me" or "it is not personal to me".
It will probably take lots of practice to become immune to what they say or do or look

You want to make everyone happy. You are part of everyone so you have a right to be happy too. Some people will never be happy so their happiness is out of your control. Your happiness is within your control. Therefore you should spend less effort on unattainable goals and more on attainable ones (like you and your immediate family). It's a waste of effort otherwise. (can't fault the logic of my old shrink can you?)

Thats a good one too only4tonight.

Thank u so much, I cannot explain how grateful I to have just logged in and found these words of support an encouragement. I logged in because I've just been on the receiving end of subtle but very hurtful comments. Result was that I instantly felt exhausted out of not knowing how to deal with it, and unable to feed my DDs properly and tend to them.

I don't know when all the words of advise will actually sink into my brain and take affect, but I will definitely try. Thank you so much.-

And amilionyears, I wasn't sure how to post this in chat..

Click on chat on the shortcuts list at the bottom of the page.
Up comes the list of subjects in chat.
click on start a new thread

You will have to write out your subject heading again and your original post,unless you know how to do a link.
A lot of people do not ever come on the mental health board.
And your problem really is a general problem,which i think a lot of posters can relate to,and help with.
If you get stuck,come back on here and ask again.

Ive read your responses a few times and, you all hit the nail on the head, and it is about fulfilling expectations. Amillionyears I do need to be more assertive, I never say what I need to say when I need to.

I am to blame partly because I always did too much for everyone, and got them used to it.

Will repost. Thank you all