Am I getting through this?

[sugarstrands]

Apologies in advance for long post.

I'm writing this partly because I think that it'll help me get things sorted in my own mind, partly because I need your opinions. I've suffered with what I believe is PND for nearly two years now, had symptoms ranging from feeling that I can't cope, crying a fair bit, no energy, get angry at DC rarely but when I do its really angry (I'd never do anything to hurt her, I love her more than life but its just like a demon sitting on my shoulder).

DH became ill when she was 3 months old and couldn't help me take care of her for a couple of months, when I say take care I mean that he couldn't even hold her. In between him on SSP and me on SMP, saying that we were poor was an understatement. At the time there was really bad snow and all I can remember is being cold and hungry.

I went back to work early, DH got better, went back to work and then it happened again, he was off work for a couple of months, in and out of hospital, not really able to do anything. We got into more debt and got a load of hassle from DH's work. Fortunately he's been healthy for the past year now but I keep worrying that its going to happen again.

We've had loads of other problems aside from being in debt and as fast as I seem to solve them they keep reoccuring. They're not necessarily large problems but the whole thing is really grinding me down. Our house is a state - I mean a real state and although I'm trying to sort it out it's such a mammoth task that I despair of it. I keep chipping away at it though, having mild OCD does not help. I'm trying to see about us moving at present as we have no room which is one of the reasons for the house - nowhere to actually put things.

As well as this I'm trying to finish college at present - got about a month to go. I have a part time job which I do about 25 - 30 hours a week (sometimes more) as well as working for two catalogue companies as a distributor. I'm also trying to job hunt as not happy where I am. The debts are being paid off, and I'm about half way there which is great but it's a worry every time the phone rings or the post comes. No matter how hard I try we never seem to have enough money to get through the week and every little expense is a major worry. I know that I need to budget better but always seem to forget things that need to be paid for or DH springs last minute things into the equation. Our family life together is a mess as one of us is normally working which gives both of us time with DD but our routine is terrible, for example dinner is normally cooked by me when I get back from work so we don't eat until 10.

-Takes a deep breath- Despite all of this, I feel like life is improving. The debts are reducing and if I can get college finished and make more of a dent in the housework life should get better. Moving and a new job would also reduce the pressure on me.

I feel like I'm two people, the one who rushes around getting things done and the one who would quite happily stay under the duvet all day if she could. I seem to be the first person more which I think is good and hopefully a sign that I'm getting better. I don't feel like I should be depressed, I have a beautiful DD and it seems like I'm a bad mum if I'm unhappy, which I am (unhappy that is). It feels like there's a mini whirlwind in my head a lot of the time and it's so hard to focus. Life is so busy at the moment and I'm losing a hell of a lot of weight, not through eating properly which scares me a little.

I did ask the doctor at one point if he thought that I had PND as DH thought that I did. After asking me a few questions he said that he didn't think that I did, it was just everything that was going on. A couple of months later there was a minor incident where DD was crying in her pushchair and apparently I didn't seem that bothered. I don't know if I was having a bad day or what. Someone who saw me told my work colleagues and threatened to call SS on me. This got passed onto a friend at work who decided to tell my BIL instead of me. Instead of speaking to me he rang MIL who had a huge go at me and DH down the phone, telling us off for every little thing such as DD not having a vest on when she was in a warm babygro etc etc. She said that if we didn't change we'd lose DD, I've never cried so much in my life. Aside from the inevitable family fallout - I've never forgiven my BIL for the way he handled things, its left me very reluctant to ask for or accept help from family or friends. Even asking for little bits of advice is not something that I do often for fear of being judged. In case there was ever a follow up I do not want to see my GP as he is not the most understanding person at the best of times and do not want to have this on my medical records. The HV is critical of me and always finds something to pick at so will not be confiding in her. I have rung helplines before on dark days but that is as far as I will go.

Sorry for long rambling post but I wanted to give as much information as I could and wanted to know if I'm near to kicking PND in the arse or if it's even possible?

You have had a really rough time, and it sounds like you need support not criticism. I would say look into counselling if possible, whether you have pnd or not. You sound like you need someone to talk to.

Do you have some good friends?

i think you are doing very well to get through all this.ideally,your friends,work colleagues and friends would all help support you,but this doesnt appear to be happening.Even your GP and HV.
Actually as I was writing this,I began to think that that is a bit unusual that not even the HV.
re GP,you could probably see a different one in the practice.Also there is probably a change of HV available.
But I have started to wonder whether you may think they are being critical,when actually they are suggesting you do something in a different way that may be better.
Perhaps you could give us a couple of examples of say the HV or GP being critical.
You have got an enormous amount on your plate,more than I could handle.
Glad your course finishes soon,and you are paying off debts.Well done.

Very sorry that it's taken me so long to answer, had a really hectic few days followed by 2 days of not feeling up to doing anything. In answer to questions: yes I do have awesome friends, one in particular who I call when things are very bad, she's the only one who knows the whole ugly truth and don't want to rely on her too much, would rather save the help as it were for when things are intolerable. Counselling and changing HC professionals are great ideas as I always feel better after ranting. An example of my HV is that when she was quizzing me about DDs diet and I mentioned that she enjoyed squash she said to be sure not to give it to her in a bottle. When I asked why she literally gaped at me and said that it rots teeth. For the record it's heavily diluted, non sugar stuff. Maybe it's obvious to everyone else but me, stuff like that. All I know is that DD is healthy and happy so I must be doing something right. It's little things like that which undermine my confidence and make me feel like I'm not parenting right, may seem trivial but a couple of them every visit don't help my confidence. I should mention that this is not exactly my strong point at the best of times, think that I'm stupid, ugly, lazy, worthless etc so criticism is not welcomed.

Aside from this, had a job interview, did Race for Life with DD, 2 weeks left of college so the end is close and I got to spoil myself with new books. Thanks for reading and kind words xx

Glad that DD is healthy and happy,so indeed you are doing lots of things right.
And glad that other things are going well too.
I can see how your lack of self esteem could affect how you take critism.Actually,that has helped me understand how a relation of mine reacts in a certain way,so thank you for explaining it so well.
Your HV should be aware that she is there to educate,and no new parent in the land knows everything.Thats why there are so many baby books and baby magazines in publication.
Even the most confident of parents sometimes squirm when critized.Sometimes it is not really the parents problem,but others.

I think your fear of being judged is a big issue in your life.Would you consider reading up things on the internet about it and/or reading some books about it.I can understand that you have had a very big knockback with your BIL and MIL.But I would be wary of shutting out other family members or friends who may not judge you.