It's taking a lot for me to admit this, but paranoia is ruining my life.

[fuzzpig]

I have always been very insecure and paranoid but it's getting much worse lately. Looking back I think it's always been worse when depression has been worse, a fairly obvious correlation.

It is getting horrific now to the point of delusion. I am, unlike in the past, aware of the irrationality of my feelings. I KNOW that the random strangers aren't laughing at/judging me, etc... so why won't my stupid brain shut up :(

It's invading every aspect of my life. Social anxiety through the roof, friends, DH, landlords/neighbours, even MN which is otherwise my biggest support. I am under a lot of stress for various unchangeable reasons but this paranoia is making it all so much harder. My job was the one good thing in my life and it's being spoilt now, I can't relax, I don't want to be there as I am convinced everyone hates me and that they want to get rid of me and that they will blame my mental health. I am so tense and panicky all the time and on top of that I hate myself more than ever for not being able to snap out of it.

I have made an appointment with the GP next week as the depression has got so bad (crying myself to sleep, wanting to self harm/end it etc). I was planning to wait - a few months ago I got referred for an adult autism assessment (Aspergers looks pretty likely, I am quite happy with the prospect of diagnosis as it would explain an awful lot... at least, everything that couldn't already be explained by having a fucked up childhood) and I wanted to get the outcome of that before deciding the best route. But I can't live like this.

I'm so scared. The GP I am seeing is really nice (quite new so would only know history from notes) but what if he thinks I'm crazy. Last time things were this outwardly bad I wound up in a psych ward for 6 months (I was 15).

Help.

Hey fuzzpig,

You are in a strong position because you know that these feelings (of paranoia) are irrational. If I were you, I would seek Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is a talking therapy which has evidence for helping to question and change thoughts which are not helpful. I'd go for that before medication but read up on what options are available to you. Definitely go to the doctor because you could use some support right now, but is there a friend or family member who could go with you? It really helps to have someone on your side. Not that the GP isn't but, you know what I mean.

I feel like I should be stronger because I am aware of being irrational but it feels like it is making it worse. I get paranoid, I tell myself off about it, but the fear is still there and I end up arguing with myself over and over, it is like a broken record and it feels so loud.

I will look into CBT, I have had some before in my teens but I don't know what the resources are like round here. I feel like that would be better than medication as I don't think any amount of chemicals could change the way my stupid brain works

It sounds like you are doing a really good job by being as strong as you are so don't give yourself a hard time about it. :-) Do you have someone you can talk to offline? Real world support is important.

fuzzpig just wanted to give you virtual support. I suffer from social anxiety, and I have deterioated over last few years, for various reasons, circumstances, who knows? I burst into tears and said I felt it was ASD that was causing the anxiety, and surely there was no cure for that (drugs etc) The pysch said, whatever the reason, it could still be helped by counselling and drugs. An anxious person with ASD is still a anxious person needing help.
I think if you are on the spectrum there are lots of reasons why paranoia is justified! Often we don't find making friends so easy, or we say the wrong thing without meaning and sometimes people do judge us for our slightly quirky way of approaching things.

The point of the counselling is to ameliorate these disadvantages in one's own mind - hey even if I am never going to be that good at getting on with people I can use some techniques to improve my relationships with others and outcomes etc etc, and also value what I am good at, which people respond positively to. Also accepting that one sees the world differently, and valuing oneself nevertheless, through counselling. Also seeing things from other people's point of view, always helps reduce paranoia..

Pysch put me on 5mg on escitalopram, and so far, it has had no side effects and I am already feeling a little calmer, although I was very anxious about the idea that I was a "loony" needing medication, many people have reassured me to look at the drugs in a different way, as a way of sorting out a chemical imbalance, whilst seeking a long term solution through CBT/counselling.

I think if you are ASD you are start with a deficit in perceived self esteem, which is of course the source of depression and anxiety in most people. If you can value yourself, you will get the self esteem back and that will have a knock on effect of reducing dependence on the opinions of others, and free you up to care about others in a more positive way, which makes for very good relationships!

I also found starting small and just taking small steps - I achieved this today: I chatted to someone in the street, I let that person into the house without worrying about the state of the hall, I smiled at that person, I helped that person by listening all reduce a paranoid anxious mindset. But the drugs have helped a lot by getting rid of tension, and just admitting I was very upset has helped!

I so agree with the idea that my brain works in a particular way, and that cant be changed - that focusing on problems and worrying about them accordingly, or being ultra sensitive to percieved slights, disappointments. That is life on the spectrum.

However life on the spectrum can also be admitting to yourself that you are good at some things, and less good at other things. I know I hate large gatherings, and I know I find it difficult to multi-task, but rather than try and fail to do these things, I've started just enjoying the things I do like, and valuing the social interaction that I can manage.

Thanks swan and msr.

I have my appointment tomorrow. I am ridiculously run down, tbh a lot of the time I feel tearful it's because I ache everywhere and I want to sleep. My cough is still bad (ok sounding like a hypochondriac now ) but I don't want to get caught up with that.

I don't know what to say. I don't feel as awful right now but that's only because the other night I cut myself (idiot) and that helps for a little while, until next time. What will the doctor say if I tell him I did that? It didn't matter when I was a teenager, I was desperate for help and to be in hospital away from my toxic family, but it is totally different now, I have my DCs and right now DH needs looking after too.

Just wanted to give you a big virtual hug, and say that anxiety is a chemical state as well as an emotional one, that's why you felt better after self harming (endorpins and all that).
Just tell the doctor you feel very very anxious, he will not be judgemental. He will have seen loads of people who have been anxious, and needed help. You do not have to feel guilty and or paranoid for needing help.
Best of luck with tomorrow.

Thank you, it's in just over an hour, then I have to go to work until 7pm (didn't think that one through really) but will update on the way there.

All done. First he said the chest infection has got worse again so more antibiotics and possibly a chest X-ray soon.

Didn't even mention my paranoia, basically as soon as I said how bad I was feeling he asked about suicidal thoughts/self harm, I answered with the truth. He asked if I wanted medication or talking, I said I wasn't sure. He's going to phone the duty somebody or other at the hospital and then phone me at work (he did say I probably should stay home but I've been off too much already). He also asked if I have any support, that's the worst thing, I don't have anyone.

He also told me about the crisis team at the hospital, tbh that's what I was thinking of going to the other night but what if they don't let me go home. With everything else going on that's the worst that could happen

Sorry to clarify I didnt mean I was too scared/embarrassed to mention the paranoia thing, more that I didn't need to go into detail IYSWIM. As soon as SH was discussed that was enough for instant referral to hospital team.

I have wondered about getting signed off. I could due to chest infection anyway. I am close to triggers on the absence record though... It means occ health and all sorts. I will be having time off soon - annual leave for a week when term ends, then hopefully not too long after that when DH has an operation (at least 2 weeks, then reduced hours for a while after).

That is very reassuring about what the crisis team would do, thank you. I do feel like it could get to the complete breakdown stage (something I haven't done since I was 15) and I have so much to lose. I am glad I finally saw the doctor today. Enough is enough.

I might try something like that.

Doctor still hasn't phoned, work has been completely shit. I am really starting to think I am just not cut out for this. I thought depression wouldn't affect my work but it looks like it is.