Can I self-indulge? I'm so miserable.

[GotMyGoat]

I'm feeling so miserable and exhausted right now.

Have an 11mth old dd, and I went back to work to a promotion when she was 7mths old. It's a long commute, 3hrs on the train everyday and I feel like I don't get a moment to myself till the weekend, as soon as I get home there's dinner/bedtime to do. I'm still breastfeeding, but feel pretty drained by that - though wouldn't give it up for the world, as it's lovely to have a couple of moments to stop and cuddle dd. I've lost a lot of weight recently (which is good, bye bye baby weight!) but I know i'm not eating enough - I'm too busy!

I'm on Amitriptaline - for migraines, as I'm very light sensitive - and travel makes me ill without them - though I ran out at the start of the week and I haven't had time to go to the doctors to get more - I now won't get a chance to go till next weekend - feel pretty anxious about work this week now as I will probably get ill during the week, once I'm at work (after the triggers of strip lights, trains and computer screen) and it's really scary getting home whilst my migraines are starting - I lose half my vision and feel faint/sick.

My DH is a SAHD as he is studying part time, and I'm so envious of him now - he gave up his retail job so I could take up this position (I worked part time, and he worked full time before dd). He was happy to do it, and I was happy to. I don't want him to go back to work, but I wish I had time to myself in the week - I know he's not living the life of luxury, as dd isn't in any sort of childcare, he's looking after her full time and studying whilst she naps/plays on the floor etc.

I just don't get enough to do the things I need to do - there's no food in the house ever, DH is very busy too, I need to go to the vets to get a form for my rabbits, but can't find a moment to do it, Hardly see my daughter, and when i do it's to strap her in a pushchair and ship her into town to buy clothes (that i desperately need, as nothing fits anymore - maternity jeans finally falling off me)or I sit here on the laptop when I get to sit down and ignore her. It's crap.

My quality of life is rubbish, I know if I got a job where I live i would gain an extra 15hrs each week - fantastic! But it's impossible for me to follow my career locally, so would have to do something like minimum wage retail, which I might regret in a few years time. However, if i stay in this job its commiting to the commute for the rest of my life.

Just wish I had time to live a little, or is this all life is about? i've been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/OCD in the past, but don't feel that bad now, I'm not suicidal or eating to control, I'm just fed up and tired. It's 6pm and there's little in the house to feed anyone so i'll have to go to the shops. And it's monday tomorrow - where the week begins all over again.

Thanks for reading.

I couldnt possibly cope with all that,and I would have thought that virtually nobody could.
Most women have more spare time than that,though I appreciate that a young daughter is not going to give you much me time.
Could you get a supermarket to deliver to help on the food front.
Personally I would stop the breastfeeding now,but obviously that is up to you.That should increase your own energy levels and give you more play time with your DD and more energy to play with her as she gets older.
Aer you able to read or rest on the train at all?
I expect you may have already thought of these things,so,if you have,I think you may have to decide which changes you would prefer to make.
Totally understand about migraines by the way.Awfl things.I cant bear lots of light sometimes either.I have recently been told that my migraines are probably caused by problems with my neck.And sitting down with my neck tilting at the wrong angle seems to trigger them.

Is your DH only managing to feed himself?

Hmm I wondered why DH couldn't do the shopping and cooking as he is home all day. You do have an awful lot on your plate and I wonder if you (as many women are) trying to "do it all" - ok your DH is studying at home, but many women do that and care for a child, shop, cook, clean etc. I really think it's unfair that you have to come in from such a stressful day and journey and then cook...........why can't your DH do that. I'm sure you want to do bedtime so you can spend a bit of time with your dd, but if there was a meal ready after, it would give you more time to relax.

Re the migraines. I suffered for years and GP just kept telling me to take paracetomol that did no good. I know you are an AD that is good for migraines, but have you ever thought of taking one of the "triptans" - e.g. sumatriptan (brand name Imigram) or naratriptan (which I take) They are not pain killers but act to stop the swelling around the blood vessels to your brain that causes the swelling. They have quite honestly changed my life. I used to have to finish work at lunchtime, and go to bed in a dark room till nect morning, and then I would feel entirely washed out. Now I am pain free in 2 hours with no side effects.

You can actually buy Imigram at a chemist - they ask you a lot of questions but you can buy them - they are about £8.00 for 2 tablets.

Otherwise ask your GP about them - they are expensive (around £4
per tablet) whereas ADs are ten a penny so GPs don't always like to prescribe them.

Good morning

Thanks for replying last night, i was feeling really low. went to bed soon after dd last night so feel a bit rested this morning - makes all the difference to my anxiety about work.

Dh does cook, we do it together as i'm very fussy, but i agree he could buy food a bit more! I'm just cautious as you see so many threads here about working dads who don't pull their weight around the house and don't appreciate the hard work the sahp does - i don't want to do that to dh.

That's interesting about new drugs, amitrip does make me feel sleepy so i wouldn't be against taking something like pain relief, it's just that i can't escape my triggers, so i can get migraines every day and not sure if anything wlse is safe to take so frequently.

Hey-hoh... Off to work i go. Thanks for listening to me- it helps!

Sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish - just reading that made me feel exhausted.

So, sympathy first then action plan to feel better.

Get an online shop ordered in every week (why do you need to cook as well as DH?)

Get the rabbit form sent to you or ask DH to pick it up (?)

Don't stop breast feeding - you won't get more energy at all & if you do give it up, you'll regret losing that special time as, from what you've written, it's veryimportant to you.

Start taking a good supplement, perhaps of b vitamins to help with the stress.

The last one is something only you can change & that's whether you want to continue with your job & the 3 hr commute...? Your Dd will be small for such a small amount of time, so you have to either grin & bear it, or change to something else. Would this be an option ? Could you move closer to your current role ?

If it helps, I had a bit of a breakdown at returning to work after my 2nd & that was with an hr commute !

Willowisp - thank you, I think I have bitten off a bit too much atm, I actually feel a lot better today, we've drawn up a housework schedule this evening, and will just try harder to be in a routine - this definetley helps me to feel more in control, and it helps to have a list of which each of us does in the day to decide what's fair in terms of housework.

the dinner thing - it's my own fault. I'm a bit OCD about food, much much better than I was 5 years ago! so even if DH is cooking... I tend to hover about, I also have a specific diet so although sometimes we eat the same food, somtimes I'll eat a different meal to DH and dd so they can eat things they like , tonight dh cooked dinner whilst I swept the kitchen floor and dd 'helped' me. That was good. we are now both sitting and relaxing.

The job - Will i even be able to get something around here? jobs are so hard to come by... also worried that my pay would reduce by around £3000, and not sure we can afford that now that I'm the provider, though I would save around £3000 a year in rail costs - so it probably all balances out! I feel proud of my job, and I'm happy whilst I'm there - just dread going back each day. I'm worried about becoming a teagirl again and feeling worthless in a new job. As I said before I'm very worried about not being able to step back into my career, I'm worried about not having a career. I respond very well to life plans and routines, and this is a bit of a scary step. We wouldn't want to move as we are close to family and wouldn't want to live in the city as we are country bumpkins.

the rabbit form sounds ridiculous to me now - but I know it felt like a major issue yesterday, I need to sign it in person I think, it can honestly wait till the weekend. Luckily my rabbits are half wild, so not dependant on human company, so I don't have to feel guilty about hardly seeing them!

Willowisp, how did you resolve things after your breakdown, did it get better, or did you change jobs?

God I sound so mopey! There is nothing wrong with my life, I have a lot to be thankful for, I'm just so tired and a bit confused about what to do with my life now. Thank you so much for listening./ sorry if it's a bit insensitive to moan like this on this board, I know a lot of you have much more difficult problems than me.

I'm going to PM you...