I'm falling apart

[GracieLoo]

Feel like crying and screaming and running away. Don't want to see anyone, everything's getting on top of me. Feel guilty that my LO has just watched tv all morning as it seems to take me ages to get ready as I keep stopping as finding it hard. Anxiety takes over and I question everything I do. Saw psych yesterday as started new meds, she said even though I have bad thoughts she doesn't believe I want to end it, but what if I've had enough and I do?

Have u planned how u would end it all? If not then these ate nothing but intrusive thoughts and treat them I
With the contempt they deserve.

A day of tv will do ur children no harm what so ever! What meds are you on?

Dont worry about LO watching tv this morning.Perhaps you can read a book with her later if you feel up to it.
Is there anybody in RL you can talk to?
From reading other threads on here,new meds take a few days to kick in.Somebody please correct me if I am wrong on this.

Oh Gracie much much empathy to you as I know the torment of anxiety and depression. Can you say why your meds were changed, and new ones can make you feel worse before you feel the benefit. They take 2/4 weeks to kick in, though some people feel relief in a shorter time.

Suicidal thoughts are a very common symptom of depression and I have had them and still do as I have intermittent depression and when the days from hell descend I still have suicidal thoughts. Medics call this suicide ideation (you don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop) The thing that stops me is a very wise friend telling me that if you do commit suicide you pass the pain you have to your loved ones, and can effect them all their lives.

Hi Gruffalo know you are suffering too at the moment - are things any better. Love to everyone who has this horrid horrid illness xx

With meds it does get worse before it gets better that's why docs prescribe benzos with them. I'm just entering week 4 and still feel pretty crap but my symptoms do lessen throughout the day, I'm just now anxious that I might be developing a benzo addiction!

It's the fourth lots of meds I've been on. For just over a week so I know it takes a while, but I can't imagine feeling any better, as felt like this for years. It just got worse when I has my 3 year old.
I have vague ideas of how I would end it, get urges to put something round my neck, or take a lot of pills. I think it is to end the pain of struggling every day. But it doesn't scare me as much as it should, and that's when I know it's not normal.

Did eventually make it out as needed to buy a few bits, but ended up with a feeling of I can't so left with nothing. Just want someone to look after LO so I can sleep, cry, break down if I want to, but it's not going to happen. Got to try and get through the day.

Oh love is there no-one to care for your LO so you can withdraw (which is what we need to do when feeling so crap) Has your psychiatrist ever mentioned ECT. I thought it had all gone out years ago but when I was on a psych ward for 3 months, 2 years ago, a lot of the patients were having it and when I expressed surprise, the Ward Manager told me that it was very successful in drug resistant depression, and it was nothing like it used to be, all that shaking and stuff. Apparently patients are given a muscle relaxant and a sedative and they don't feel anything.

I brought it up with my conslt psych and he said if he had drug resistant depression he would have ECT like a shot.

Just thought it worth a try.........feeling for you so much. Can you just lie on the sofa and let the LO watch more TV or video - is she an easy child, or demanding of attention. Hope she's easy, cus then she might lie with you under a blanket and you can cuddle her, even though I'm sure you feel holow inside, and have no feeling for anything, even your LO. This is what depression does to us. Are you a single parent?

When she goes to bed, maybe you can then sleep and cry and withdraw. This is what I do when the bad days come but I am a grandmother so don't have young children, and I do feel for you young mums so much suffering with this torment of depression and children too.

NNx

Do you have a trusted friend,neighbour,person fram a church,who you could trust to look after your 3 year old for a few hours for you?
I presume you are not on Mumsnet Local and know or trust someone on there?

you can pm me if you like,in case we live near each other,though I appreciate you dont know me

Thought I had replied, sorry. Just got through the day. Minds blank, doing the wrong thing by drinking tonight, LO is at her nanas. Thank u so much for the support, it's nice to know I can post for support. Feel less alone.

Glad you managed the day ok Gracie and glad LO is with her nana - is that your mom? You don't need me to tell you that "self medicating" with alcohol is not a good idea, though I understand that for some people it dulls the emotional pain. Trouble is you could end up with 2 problems, depression and dependency on alcohol.

Yes there is lots of support on here and this thread has got me through many a dark hour....

I can't stop crying. Feel I'm getting all the help there is and I'm no better, what's the point?