horribly anxious

[madmomma]

I've felt on the edge of a panic attack for a few days now.
I'm looking after a baby and a toddler on my own on no sleep and with a hundred threatening things on my mind. I just don't want to do this anymore. There's nothing to say really. I just needed to vent.

Come back and tell us more madmomma - panic is about fear, of the past present or future (or all three) so tell us about the threatening things on your mind. At least you can write it down which sometimes helps and some of us might be able to help. Lack of sleep with the baby is going to make everything look a thousand times worse. It can make you feel really ill physically and could be one of the causes of the panic. YOu say there is nothing to say, but there is, so come back and tell us if you are able.

everything's closing in on me. I think there's a curse on me or I'm doing something horribly wrong. I'm trying to deal with my dad's very complicated will, my finances are fucked, my house is a building site, I'm exhausted.

Know EXACTLY how you feel. It's a living hell. I spend 90% of the day in a constant weird panic that I find hard to explain. Mostly I worry I'm going to collapse and die, and as I have a 15 month old to look after I worry about what would happen to him should I collapse.

Of course it's never actually happened, and writing it down makes it sound silly. But it doesn't stop the panic.

I haven't really added much to this thread, except for moaning myself. But I just wanted to let you know you're not alone - I know how you feel.

I have no magic cure I'm afraid :(

you sound completely exhausted - and that always makes anxiety etc worse.

Have you talked to your dr or health visitor.

Even though its impossibly difficult with 2 little ones to find any time - try and do some breathing exercises for a couple of minutes a few times a day. Breath in through your nose for the count of 6 and then out through your mouth for 6. (Your abdomen should go up and down rather than your chest.)
And at the same time - repeat to yourself 'this too will pass.'

But definately talk to someone to see what help might be available (Homestart eg. in your area?)

Thanks for caring. Have applied for a few nursery hrs for the toddler to give me a breather. Waiting to hear about that. Just bought a book on 'mindfullness' that was recommended on a different anxiety thread so am going to try some breathing techniques. The broken nights and 5am starts are a huge factor I know.

How old is your baby madmomma - I have seen my son and dil suffer a great deal with their second child, who was a dreadful sleeper in those early months. Are you are single parent - if not does your husband or partner help? It really does sound like exhaustion is your main problem. Never under estimate the way lack of sleep makes us feel - they use it as a torture technique to make people confess to things they haven't done. Try to remember that it won't last forever, your baby will sleep through eventually.

Maybe you should talk to your HV to see if she can offer any support.

Do you want to say what the threatening things are on your mind as someone may be able to help.

my baby is 6 m and my toddler is 18m. I also have a 14yo dd who is a big help- bless her. My dh is lovely but works long hours and weekends. My 18mo son is hugely demanding - far more so than either of the girls. I literally can't turn my back on him and his favourite game is trying to climb on his baby sister/bash her with something etc. I feel massively threatened by all kinds of things, and I think underpinning it is the loss of my Dad in March. We were so close and I lost him to a horrible disease after a long period of suffering. (alcoholic liver disease) He was my world, and the fact that he's not here anymore makes me feel very unsafe. It's shaken me that he's effectively taken his own life by carrying on drinking despite years of warnings. I feel like he's abandoned me. He was only 62 and could've had another 20 years :'( I'd only just given birth when he got seriously ill and he died when the baby was a few weeks old. I'm shouldering all the legal stuff around his debts/estate/will, and it's very complicated and distressing.
Financially we're in fairly deep shit - couldn't pay the mortgage this month.
I've no car to get out with the babies in bad weather and no friends at home so I'm hugely isolated. I've got a couple of legal matters threatening in the background (threat of being sued x 2). Every day is a struggle and I feel as though I'm just existing.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad, madmomma, which as you say is probably causing some of your stress. Did you ever contact Al-Anon while he was alive? They would still be able to help you deal with his passing, and it's a safe place to talk. Having a baby can cause depression too, and it might be worth talking to GP or Health Visitor, while Citizen's Advice Bureau can help deal with finances.
Hope you feel you can ask for help in RL, and that you soon begin to feel better.

So very sorry about the death of your dad madmomma and coming at such a time when your hormones are all over the place anyway with a very young baby. Do you feel depressed at all - I ask because most depression is about loss, and you have suffered the loss of someone who was as you say "your world"

Your DH is obviously working hard, but not enough to keep things going by the sound of it. You are one of thousands of people who are struggling in this country at the moment, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear I know.

Could you try CAB as about 80% of their work is now debt related.

You have so many things to cope with all at the same time, so you do need to monitor how you are feeling, and maybe talk to the GP - you may need meds but then again it may just be the situation you are in that is causing you problems. Nice to hear you have a sensible 14 year old to help (good job she's a girl!) but she must be worried about you.

Is your mother alive, or do you have any other relatives who could help. You say you have no friends at home - have you moved house or have you lost touch with friends. Sometimes HVs can put you in contact with another isolated mum. This was a life saver for my friend's daughter as she was on the brink of clinical depression, but having a friend with a baby of a similar age made a big difference.

Hope you get your toddler off to nursery for a few hours. He sounds like a fairly typical 18 month old, but wearing nontheless.

Thanks for your lovely replies.
showtime yes I spoke to AA when he was alive but I don't want to talk to them now. I want to put all that suffering to the back of my mind.
My HV was involved in applying for the nursery hours for me, so she's aware I could use some help. The kids are fine and I don't think my mood is affecting them really.
nananinaWe've managed to put our credit cards on frozen interest so that's good. I've a flat with no tenant which I've been trying to sell for 6m so there's light at the end of the tunnel and of course in that respect I'm luckier than most. The main stress financially is that until we have some money we can't finish our house - we have bare plaster and floorboards, half a bathroom etc - been living like that since DS was tiny and it's wearing because I can't keep anything clean or put anything away properly. DH is a hoarder which doesn't help.
I've had depressive episodes since I was 9 and have been on anti ds since I was 20. Had to have a c section with dc3 as was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (depression and pregnancy being an awful combo for me) and just as I was getting back on my feet my lovely Dad was dying.
My Mum is a godsend and can do bits of childcare occasionally, but she finds it hard to care for the 18mo because he is so boisterous, and she has a foster child of her own (my nephew)

Sounds like a horrid cumulative thing. I know how you feel.

Practical advice - CCCS website has some good advice re debts
Money saving expert too - friendly bunch

Speak to your HV and chase up that nursery place!
Have a good chucking out session. Always helps clear the decks & the Mind :)

Have you seen your GP recently and discussed medication dosages etc

OMG madmomma depressive episodes since you were 9 - that is so awful that you had to bear this horrid illness when you were a child. I didn't even know children could have depressive illnesses.

Glad to hear that you have a lovely mom. Oh and about the house, it will get done one day, but you have massive empathy from me about your DH being a hoarder. My DP is one and it's so frustrating, the loft is full of his stuff, as is the cellar and the utility room and his bedroom is a tip. We sleep in different rooms because I couldn't stand the mess. I am not a control freak about tidyness but neither do I like living in a complete mess. I think it's OCD and I'm afraid the outlook for change is poor. We have been together 40 years and my DP is 70 this year so don't think he is going to change anytime soon.

worriedyes am under a psychiatrist and have reviewed meds
nananina he's taken over the cellar and a room of the house. I've let him fill the cellar but the man and van will be clearing the rest of the house because I just won't live like this. He knows I'm getting rid, and I think he's relieved that I'm taking charge.

Oh that's good madmomma - at least he has some notion of the lunacy of hoarding - afraid my DP doesn't - yes he's taken over the cellar and one room of the house too, and as I said his bedroom is a tip. However we have just had th living room completely re-decorated and new carpet. His sofa is right next to the book shelves and he puts all sorts of crap on the shelves and I tell him from time to time and he clears it away but because he doesn't throw anything away (junk mail and god knows what) it soon gets as bad.

I have told him that if anything other than books and laptop are on the bookshelves I will put them in a box (or carrier) and deposit them into the room that he has taken over, although it's not too bad at present, and he has agreed with this . This is the furthest we have ever got as an agreement,

If only our other problems could be taken away in a skip!!