Return of eating disorder now dp has left :(

[ogodnotagain]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible and try and get my thoughts straight.
I've had an eating disorder pretty much my whole adult life. I've never met the full criteria for anorexia, as I never lost my period, and I regularly vomit after meals (sorry) but 5 years ago I lost a hideous amount of weight extremely quickly, after my partner left me and our young son. It took a great deal of therapy for me to get better, and tbh I question if I ever really did. I hated regaining every pound, and still in my head I have a big problem eating as much as I am told I 'should'. Even when I was 'better' I still felt I had a problem there in the background, dislike eating in front of people and notice what other people eat.
But in that time I did get better and met someone new. We had a baby together who is now 5 months old. And 2 months ago he walked out. I am still struggling to get my head around this tbh, I think I am still in denial. My family know but I'm not close to them and they've nto been in touch since i told them :( And my friends I can't bear to tell as tbh I still harbour the hope that he'll come back. I'm finding it all overwhelming, especially as he still wants to see our child, so am having to see him several times a week and deal with knowing he doesn't love me. I think he couldn't handle the responsibility of parenthood and freaked out, but that's another thread.
In the last few weeks old habits have crept back in. I've started not going home after taking ds to school and instead walking all day with the buggy, only stopping to feed the baby. I think (know) this is partly so I can exercise all day, but also because I can't stand the thought of being alone at home. I worry if I start crying I won't stop. Anything I eat I vomit, nto even binges, just anything I eat. The thing is, I am still 22 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight and I am a person who just doens't lose weight when breastfeeding. I've lost maybe 4 or 5 pounds but noone would know there was a problem. Even at my skinniest I worried horribly about asking for help thinking I wouldn't be believed as I was too fat. Having gone through all that treatment, I know the sensible thing to do would be to go to the doctors and nip this in the bud. But I do feel somehow it's giving me something to hold onto when the rest of my world is crumbling around me. I like the kind of spacey, distant feeling I get when I don't eat as it means I don't have to deal with my real problems. But this IS my problem.
I don't know why I'm posting really. Maybe to convince myself my problem is real and valid. I know I need to stop hankering after someone who could walk out on our family. I feel so much that it's my fault and I feel so helpless about that. I also know the damage I'm doing to my body, but I'm managing to tell myself that I'll just lose a few more pounds and then I'll get help. Which I know is the disease talking. Having already had treatment I know I can rerefer myself and don't have to go through the rigmarole of waiting lists and GP referrals which is something. I'm just struggling to want to give this up I suppose.

Hey there, i am sorry you are going through this. I really dont know what to say to help but as i came on the MH section to offload about my eating problems i wanted to give you a hug of solidarity and let you know you are not alone.

I, like you came to post to make me confront my issues. I am spiralling horribly and no one knows. I had put on a lot of weight during my pregnancy and after walking out on DDs dad. When i got my own place i felt so low, i wanted to feel good about myself. It started with skipping a few meals, then spitting out food instead of swallowing it. Then i started being sick. Now am swinging between binging and purging and going for days without food. I like you have grown to love the hazy vacant feeling of being totally empty. I know how unhealthy it is but i feel good. Everyone tells me i look amazing - i have dropped 3 stone and the joke is my new flat must be massive as i havent found the kitchen yet. If they only knew. Everyone thinks i am coping really well but it is all a front. I got massively drunk on sunday on a rare night out because i hadnt eaten for days. My friends are pissed off with me because i just burst into tears and left. I am scared to talk to them as i made a huge arse of myself and dont want to have to explain it.

Like you i am struggling to want to stop. I am medical professional and i KNOW what i am doing is wrong and how harmful it is. I also know i have to stay fit for DD. Doesnt stop me. Am sat here now trying not to go vomit but its a half hearted thought. I am also thinking a wee bit more weight and i will stop. A friend gave me a load of clothes that she no longer fits and i was stunned to fit in a size 10. I have always been big and i still feel huge.

I wish i knew what to say to help you but if i could do that i wouldnt be in the state i am. You are not alone and if you can get help then do so. I am no where near close to that but i feel that just writing on here is a start.

You need to tell your friends about DP leaving. I know its hard. Admitting DDs father did not want us was the hardest thing i have ever had to say to my friends but with a newborn you need the support x

Etney, thank you so much for replying. I so remember feeling conflicted when I had a real problem, I lost almost 5 stone very very quickly, and suddenly fit into size 8s, people were throwing the compliments left right and centre. And all I could think was, how can none of you see what's wrong? This has happened in 6 months, my partners just left and you're all missing the point! I put the clothes that used to fit me away when I was pregnant, but I just got them all out to sort through some stuff to give to my sister (naturally very tiny and much younger than me!) and found a pair of jeans that shocked me. Size 8 and just incredibly small. I can't believe I ever fit in them but rather than think, well, they'll never fit me again, I've put them away and have it in my head that I know I will squeeze into them before the end of the year. And the crazy thing is, I know I can do it, I even admit that I want to do it. The buzz I get when I step on the scale every mornnig to see another half pound off makes the rest of the shitty day bearable.
I had to see dp today, he came in his lunchtime to see the baby. I couldn't bear it so I asked him to look after him while I went to bed for an hour. The thing is, I'm not even sure I want him back. I just want him to want me. Which is real teenage stuff isn't it. His best friend has been working abroad and is back next week, and he's taken the whole week off. All I can think is that he'd never take a week off to spend with me. Not even with his own child.
I am still weighing up a GP appointment. I don't want them to jump the gun and diagnose PND just because I've recently had a baby. I really don't think that's my problem. I just have some shitty circumstances and a dreadfully destructive coping mechanism :(

Hiya, sounds llike you had a rough day. Was pretty shitty here too. DDs dad is trying to be all chummy and he doesnt get it that i just dont want to know. When i wanted him he rejected me and now he wants me to forget it all and be pals. Where you are with your DP was were i was when i was pregnant and he ended it between us. All i wanted was it to be a mistake and he did want me. But now nearly a year on, now he tries to get close and i stop him dead. It feels good to know i can do without him but it hurts that it has gone forever. I hate that he has become such an unpleasant person to me when we were once inseperable friends.
I know what you mean about watching the scales. I measure and weigh myself daily and yep the buzz of dropping weight is always there. I cant help but feel pleased with myself when i go to bed empty and look forward to checking the scales in the morning. Its frustrating. I know how stupid it is and yet i know i am not going to stop till i am satisfied. But will i ever be satisfied. That i do worry about.
I feel crap about everything at the moment. My friends and family, even dds dad tell me what a great job i am doing and they are so proud of how i am doing with raising DD alone and working blah blah blah. I dont want them to know how hard it is and how sad i am that i have lost my life and my identity. So instead i do this. For me. To feel better and give me something to think about instead of how lonely i am. How much i miss my friends, my career. Dont get me wrong i love my daughter and being a mum is wonderful but i wish there was a bit more of the old me around. When dds dad dropped her off he asked if he could give her back a bit earlier tomorrow. He has been invited snowboarding. Sure thing. Wouldnt want you to miss out

Hope you have a better day tomorrow ohgod

How are you doing etney? I've been in pieces for a few days tbh. It's so exhausting trying to keep up a happy facade for the children, only to crumble when they're not here :(
Ex has text tonight asking if he can take the baby for a few hours tomorrow so his friend can meet him. I really really don't want him to :( He keeps asking when I'll stop breastfeeding and give a bottle and I'm worried he'll try and give him one. Not to mention, I really like his friend, he's a really decent guy. It makes me feel sick to wonder what he's told him about his leaving. You can bet it won't be the truth and I'll be the one who looks bad. I can't stand that.
I'm having a hard time because I think this is starting to affect ds as well. We had our future as a family all planned out and now ex has just crapped all over it, without a thought to anyone but himself. My heart feels like it actually aches for my son who has now had 2 men walk out on us.
I just can't eat. I think I have some kind of virus since the weekend anyway so I feel low level bleargh, but I can't eat with all this going on. I don't knwo what to text back to him. I know reasonably I can't stop him seeing the baby, but i really really don't want him to take him for a few hours like he's asked to. He's never done that before, so I think it's him trying to project this 'doting dad' image to his friend. Wanker.

I couldn't read this and run as I wanted to share with you that there is a way out of this. I suffered from anorexia as a child, and it returned after I got married in my late 20s. I think it was a combination of a very stressful job, moving house, trying to be the perfect housewife, and living with someone full time. It just got on top of me. I hid it from my H for 10 years, he honestly believed I was underweight due to stomach problems, but he did eventually leave as he couldn't cope with the strange angry unpredictable person I had become.

Once on my own I took the opportunity to focus on myself in a positive way and find the old happy healthy me. Eating disorders are often about trying to regain a bit of control when you feel life has spiralled out of your comfort zone. So I joined a gym (I appreciate this is not financially possible for everyone), and had the instructor do me a brief diet and exercise plan for healthy weight gain. I transferred my rather obsessive brain function onto being healthy. Just eating properly was enough to balance out my thought patterns (the brain cannot be rational when it is starved or dealing with chemical imbalances caused by purging). Every proper meal of lean protein healthy carbs and plenty of vitamins and minerals is another step towards curbing bad habits.

Now I am finally myself again and am honestly completely clear of an eating disorder. Even in-patient treatment as a child never completely cleared it, it was always lurking at the back of my mind. Do this for you, and for your dcs. Be strong, and happy and healthy. Re-find the girl you used to be. A broken relationship is devastating but it can be an open door to a new and better life. Use the time your dc is with your exP to look after yourself, just relax, sleep, go for a coffee with a friend, read a book, go for a swim at the local pool, anything that you enjoy really.

runningroundincircles what a helpful post . It's wonderful that you refocused so effectively and positively.

ohgodnotagain Poor you. It's tough anyway with a baby but must be so much harder given your personal situation . But you OWE it to your DC to stay healthy. Please, please share your problems in RL - either with friends or with a health professional. Can you do like runninground and concentrate on getting fit and healthy rather than thin? How awful would it be if your DC got to be, say, 8 or 10, and you had a heart attack because of damage to your heart muscle done by excessive dieting . Once you stop eating, it warps your thought patterns, so please try to eat properly today. Then take it one day at a time.

Why did your DP leave? How are you doing financially? Do you have somewhere secure to live? You need to be brave and face all those questions. You seem intelligent and capable. You can do it. Accept all help that is offered. Things will improve gradually.

As for others not noticing, well, that is the way of the world, sadly. You need to TELL them what is going on in your life. Even perhaps share a bit with your DP. He may not want to live with you but he no doubt wants to be sure that the mother of his baby is healthy both because he must still have feelings for you and also because you are his child's main carer.