Don't know how to keep going any more

[GurlwiththeFrothyCurl]

I have never posted on this board before, so I hope I get things right. This will probably be a long post as ther is so much weighing me down that I think my head is going to explode.

We are beginning to think that someone up there has it in for us as so much has gone wrong with our family. DH is disabled and was forced to take early retirement from work many years ago. He does his best to manage the household whilst I work full time. He is in pain 24/7 and it does get to him on occasion, but he looks after us all.

DS1 has ASD and is a young adult. He is lovely most of the time, but has violent melt downs quie often. He is trying to get work, but has not had much luck so far. DS2 is home from Uni at the moment and is lovely!

As for me, I suffer from a long term chronic illness and struggle every day to get to work. I have tried so hard to keep everyone going over the last few years. I am so worried about loads of things - keeping my job, my DH, DSs, my elderly mother who is showing the early signs of dementia, other family members and so on. I have had quite a few days off work recently as it is so hard to get going in the morning as I retch and cough and feel faint before my meds kick in.

On top of all this, our house was badly damaged in recent storms. We are sorting this out, but it is just the final straw!

I can't stop worrying about DH dying and leaving me alone, my DSs being killed in accidents, my mother dying alone and ill. I woke up today unable to move and unable to stop crying as I felt as if my brain had overloaded. How on earth do I keep going? I can't take any more meds and, as I have also totally lost my voice, I can't do any counselling? What on earth can I do? I can't take much more...

Sorry about the bad spelling and the moaning!

I presume everyone is seeing the GP for what they have.
perhaps you in particular need to go back and see the GP
and explain everything that is going on.
Are you getting all the help,financial and otherwise that you are entitled to?
Are neighbours and or realatives able to give you a helping hand,particularly at the moment with the storm damage.
Am partly bumping this as others may have more and better ideas.

Why can't you take anymore meds? why can't you do counselling? Do you think you would benefit from these? Could you speak to your GP? There may well be something you CAN take?

Are you getting all the help you need, there may be benefits you are entitled to - does your DH have a social worker? Could you ask them to do a benefits check?

Welcome to the Mental health boards Gurl (love the name by the way!)

You sound like one amazing lady. But it is never easy being the one who has to keep going, no matter what. I am not very good at practical solutions but it sounds to me like you need a holiday, and I don't mean a week in benidorm (shudder)
How would you feel if your husband cooked you a nice meal and laid the table all posh and lit some candles and you got just that little bit of time to appreciate each other, say soppy stuff, maybe even have a little cry and a hug? I know I sound like some kind of weird self help twat, but, I think you get the idea?

Thanks for your replies. Sorry I was not online to answer, but I went to bed and actually fell asleep. I can't take any more meds, like ADs because I take a ton already and I am worried that I will overload my body if I take any more. I take 26 tablets a day for my chronic illness and have worked hard to get the number as low as I can, but these are what I need.

One of my problems is that I have lost my voice and can't speak for more than a few minutes without it going altogether. This is permanent and I will have to live with it. This is why I can't do a talking therapy.

We are not worried about money, thank goodness. Due to the fact that we saved like mad when DH was able to work and we were left some money years ago, we can manage OK, even with DH not working now.

My illness is very closely related to stress in that when I am worried, I get much worse. Even a change in circumstances seems to bring it on. So we can't go away on holiday as I collapse. We can't go abroad as DH can't manage airports and I don't think I could cope now either. The only place we can go to is the same hotel each year as ASD son kicks off if we try somewhere different. We have booked to go in a few weeks and I hope that the change doesn't make me ill again.

I am worrying myself sick about people really - my DH, my sons, my mother, other family members. I find myself thinking that they are all going to die and leave me alone. Sometimes I want to die so that I go first and don't have to deal with the grief. I know that sounds stupid, but that's how I think!

I don't know what I would do without my DH. Despite his own illness and pain, he is my rock. Yes, he does cook me meals, when I can manage to eat, and we hug each other!

i am glad there are some huge positives in your life.
I was thinking,as I went to bed myself,that you didnt mention a bad financial situation like a lot of others do in your situation.What do you think to getting someone in on a regular basis to help with some household chores that you family finds difficult?
I would also suggest you contact a local church or another voluntary organisation.Anywhere that is likely to offer a sympathetic ear and a lending hand when needed.
And glad you have a holiday booked.

Thanks for answering again, amillionyears, things seem a little better today. DH is being fantastic again, boosting me up as he does so often. I might even feel up to going backto work tomorrow. Nothing has really changed, but I feel better mentally today. Maybe having a bit of a rant on here has helped!