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Is anyone still awake? I just need to not feel quite so alone...

18 replies

Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 01:46

Just that really. I can't sleep. I have done a little work but I can't concentrate properly. I have a long day tomorrow and lots to do. I need to be up early. I am so tired but my eyes wont close. I am definitely on a downwards spiral again.

OP posts:
tutu100 · 29/06/2012 01:49

Hi, didn't want you post to go unanswered. I'm going to be up for another 10 mins or so.

Can you do anything about your downwards spiral?

Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 01:55

i dont know tutu. It's been coming on for a while, on and off. I was ill in January for a few weeks and then seemed to get better but this week has been so hard. Every tiny problem has seemed so huge. I am not crying all the time again but I know I am snappy and distant. I know dh is worried. If Icould just bloody sleep it would help I think. I think I need to go back on ads. At least I could sleep on them. I have cbt every week, I find it difficult but I need to try it. I cant stay like this forever. I am such as failure. My dc deserve better and so does dh.

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Busybeegirl71 · 29/06/2012 01:57

Ahh I know how you feel and it's not a good place to be.. Have those nights too .. :( try not to lay in bed tossing and turning, I found if I laid in front of tv or dvd and willed myself to stay awake that usually did the trick to drop off.. Co codomol are good for helping get off to sleep too..what's on your mind making it spiral .. I'll be up for a bit longer if you need a chat .. :)

tutu100 · 29/06/2012 01:59

Your dc's and dp are lucky to have you, and won't want anybody else. I have been suffering really badly from anxiety and depression for 3 years and know how horrible it feels when you feel like you are failing everyone, but you are being too hard on yourself.

If you think you need to go back on AD's can you arrange that? And possible see if you can be prescribed something whilst you wait for the AD's to kick in. My GP prescribed me diazepam when I couldn't sleep before the AD's kicked in.

Is there anything you can do to make tomorrow less of a long day? Is there anything you can cancel to ease the pressure on yourself?

tutu100 · 29/06/2012 02:03

I've got to go to bed now, but will come on in the morning to see if you have replied. Hope you get some sleep and feel a bit better in the morning. Don't be hard on yourself though. You can't help how you are feeling.

Busybeegirl71 · 29/06/2012 02:05

Ikeatears it sounds like you have a bit of depression .. Happens to us all at one time or another especially when we have so many things to juggle with dh, dc and work etc.. I don't know you but I know you are definitely NOT a failure. We women beat ourselves up continues by thinking we're not doing a great job or not conforming to the "ideal" family life. The point is it doesn't exist! Your Dh clearly loves you if he's worried about you.. And I bet your a wonderful mother.. You just need to see it.. I hope that doesn't sound patronising as I don't mean it that way.... What makes you believe your a failure? :(

Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 02:09

I have come downstairs busybee, dh has to be up even earlier than me and I didnt want to disturb him. I dont have any co-codomol in Sad.

tutu, I have the ads in the cupboard but the side effects for the first few days were awful last time and I need a clear few days where dh can be here because I couldnt function last time. They make me sleep straight away but the ad effect takes longer.

I cant cancel anything tomorrow-stuff for the dcs then work the a social event which I really cant cancel.

I am just so up and down at the moment and the downs are starting to outweigh the ups.

I have been a horrible mum this week-so snappy and miserable and no fun at all. Dh has been away with work and I just wanted him home. I am starting the horrible, clingy, over-reliant on dh thing that happened last time. I cant go through it again...I just cant...

OP posts:
Busybeegirl71 · 29/06/2012 02:33

Aww i really feel for you Ikeatears, I can understand why you would need your Dh home at the mo as you need his support right now. how old are your dc? I went and to a degree still are going through what you describe.. If you don't want to take the ad my doc prescribed tramadol .. It has a calming effect but without the nasty side effects of ad's ..social events can be cancelled as I'm sure the people involved will understand. I cancel at least 1 in 4 socials if I'm not up to it as me is more important than any face at a do. You are over the first hurdle by regonising the symptoms you went thro before at an early stage. Do you have a support network of friends you can sound off to? Sending hugs to you Ikeatears .. I shall be off here soon but we check in in the morn to see how you are.. If not I'll be on here in the evening ..

garlicbutt · 29/06/2012 02:42

OK, darling, you are not a failure because it's impossible to be a failure.
You might have failed at one or two things you had to do, but fuck that. Everybody fails at stuff all the time; it's how we learn, right? So, huh, you learned a few things. Not so bad, is it!

Being sleep deprived is horrid and confusing. But, one night at a time, it's all right because everyone has sleepless nights now and again. Don't sweat it. Just make a hot drink and put a film on, or read a book. You may be tired tomorrow, but I guess you'll live :) If you get a chance for a nap later on, take it.

Definitely go back to your doctor. I didn't get on with citalopram; they made me so floaty and weird in the first week, it was a massive struggle to continue. There are loads of different antidepressants to try, and different doses. I had at least six prescriptions before getting to my current one! It's all about your metabolism & finding the good-enough scrip for you. It's not all or nothing. There will be a scrip that helps you cope, so keep going back.

Try asking DH for sympathy. I know it can feel like you've no right to it! Depression is an illness, though. Once you can describe your symptoms to a person who loves you, they find it easier to understand that you need support ... and it isn't all about them, know what I mean?!

Well done on doing CBT! You're finding it hard, so you have a good trainer and are taking it seriously. Five stars! Believe me, it takes some tough thinking - and a lot of self-compassion - but it's worthwhile. Have you thought much about self-compassion? How understanding are you towards yourself? You deserve all your own love, you know. You're worth it.

I'm on here because I'm in a relapse. I'd like to thank you, Ikea, for reminding me where I've come from and that I deserve my own understanding, just as you do :) I'm going to bed now, with a sleeping pill, and will have a nicer sleep for having written to you. Thank you very much :)
Lots of love.

Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 02:45

Thanks busybee, going to try bed myself in a minute- dc are 10,6 and 1. Tramadol doesn't agree with me unfortunately as it definitely helps with sleep but makes me sick and disorientated.
I really cant cancel this event- the person involved would never forgive me and I'm kind of central to the plans. I think I will be ok- at the moment i am not so low that i cant put a face on now and again.It is mornings and nights with no sleep that are the worst. I am trying to just keep my head above water until Ican start the ads again.

Goodnight and thanks for the replies.

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Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 02:53

garlicbutt,thankyou so much,you have made me cry (not in a bad way).I never thought about self-compassion. Iwill try that.I dont thinki dolove myself very much and i know ineed to. thank you agin for such kindness. Have a good sleep. x

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AngelDelight78 · 29/06/2012 05:55

Sending you big hugs. I hope you managed to get some sleep.xx

Ikeatears · 29/06/2012 09:14

Managed some sleep and actually not feeling too awful this morning. Have done some of the jobs I needed to do already and on my way to work which I love so should pick me up. Thank you for those who took the time last night. I need to get out of this cycle and I'm trying.

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garlicbutt · 29/06/2012 11:21

Thanks for your reply, Ikea. Good to hear you love your job!
Yes, love yourself, too. It matters - you matter :)

tutu100 · 29/06/2012 21:32

Hope things have been better today. I find things are always worse at night. If you worry about things then at night things can seem almost impossible. Please go see your GP or speak to your CBT therapist about how you are feeling as soon as you can. You deserve to feel happier.

corygal · 29/06/2012 21:38

Thinking of you and trust tonight will be better. can you force yourself and DCs to go on a megawalk tomorrow? It helped me.

Ikeatears · 30/06/2012 03:09

Am here again at silly o'clock, am very tired now so will update tomorrow. Thank you for the replies.

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isitmidnightalready · 30/06/2012 03:38

I'm also up at silly o'clock. Bloody mumsnet! I used to party till this time and now here I am sat on the computer for the past four hours instead. Mumsnet is ruining my looks!

Goodnight. Sleep well.

x

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