DH depressed - want a divorce

[probablyparanoid]

My DH has become very depressed - it has been a cumulation of events for him over a year or so during which his dad died and then he lost his job (sacked for committing an offence) and then because I have said that I want a divorce.

When I discuss it with him he cries buckets and I feel like a complete sh**. But I want a divorce because he has been lying to me for years about important stuff - at best witholding the truth. I want a divorce because I realise that for years I have been supporting him through his inability to grow up / finance his own life / be an adult and I am tired of it now and realise that he will never grow up without my backing out. But I also find it very hard to be 100% of what I really want - I still love him and feel instinctively that I should pick him up and work it out with him.. But rationally I know he will never change and be an honest person as I have asked him to be before. He is depressed and says that he will remain ill so long as he is not within the family - ie I cannot divorce him as he will just get worse. I don't believe rationally that I should buy into that but I also see that he would be better off in a nurturing happy family environment and I feel that I should provide it. I would not wish depression on my worse enemy - no matter what he has done - I have been there. But at the same time I believe that his feelings and how he reacts to a situation is within him and not something I can control.

IN short - I am so confused and distressed. Any guidance / thoughts?

If you stayed would you be staying as his carer or wife?
If he wasnt depressed where would you be?

Sorry that the questions are so direct.

Look at your answer careful and remember that you are human and can also stuff from depression.

Hi, I cannot offer much guidence, but I am in a very similar situation to u

my OH has had depression for a long time, to the point he has psychotic episodes, and I can understand how much it can drag u down.
I can say this as someone who is not involved in the situation, but can completly understand as I cannot even follow my own advice, u r only human and u can help or change him, it makes u feel guilty because u feel u should b able tl 'fix' him, but what im learning the hard way, u cant, they r never going to change and u need to realise that its not ur fault and u need to think about urself, as I have become slightly depressed with trying to make him grow up and just be normal!
sorry, ive proberly made u feel even worse but just wanted u to know ur not alone and I know exactly how u feel x

Nonio - he is not chronically depressed - he is depressed because of a series of events so I think he would get better eventually and we would have a husband / wife relationship were we to stay together.
On the other hand I have realised that he is chronically irresponsible in some crucial aspects of his life - and in those areas I have acted as his 'rescuer' . It is his irresponsibility that has led me to lose respect for him and to want a divorce - not the depression. So to answer your question I think that if he wasn't depressed I still would be divorcing him and I am holding off because I feel so awful about it when he is so vulnerable.

Mummy - are you looking to divorce your DH - ask yourself Nonio's question - where do you come out on it? ?

probablyparanoid,I should try a separation.For a week,a month,3 months.He has to change,and to want to change.
If you are not around,he will be forced to make changes.Whether they end up being the changes you are after,would remain to be seen.
Also,this gives you a break,and a chance to maybe see things clearer.

Proberly paranoid, I think I would be happier in the long run without him, but it doesnt make it any easier
he has currently been staying back with hes mum, for a week now, and although I miss him deperatly, I can feel the stress levels going down, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I feel happier.
maybe u should try a trail seperation just like a millionyears suggests. Ive given him an ultimatum, get help for ur depression/mh problem or whatever it is, or dont come back at all

It sounds to me as if you had made your mind up before the depression and now it's the thing that is holding you there. And he knows it.

How old are your children?

Nonio - you are right- I had made my mind up - the depression is clouding the whole issue. The DC's are old enough to realise that there is something very wrong which no one is discussing with them/ telling them the whole truth about. Also -he is not engaged with them any more - he is too wrapped up in himself - I am worried that I am going to go the same way as the whole issue is so preoccupying.

millionyears - I have suggested a trial separation for the reasons you suggest - - he said he would think about it but I think the reality is that he won't do it or he will take months to go around to it and I am at breaking point here - so it feels like my only option is to divorce (will take forever anyway)

mummy - you say you miss him - do you still love him ? You can love someone but find it impossible to live with them. Oddly I feel that I would be a better support to my DH if I was not married to him any more. iI's being tied to him and his mess that really frustrated me - not just the depression - his whole outlook on life and mess that he has made of it all (and dragged us all down into it in the process) - I no longer want to be a part of it.

Probably - Sorry if this is over stepping the mark. You need to show him the door while you feel strong enough it will not be easy but as your children can see the truth its time to act.

Mummy you sound on your knees. I have a question for you. How much more do you have to give before you are suffering from depression too?

Please be strong and preserve yourselves

Yes I still love him which makes the whole situation worse. I maybe had it easier, in the sense that he had a psychotic episode which made it easier to have an excuse to get him out.
all I can say is its not ur fault he feels the way he does, and u need to think about urself for once (and I know how hard that can be)
I think im a little bit ahead of u, in the sense I knoe exactly what ur thinking but got a lil bit further by actually getting him to leave.
be strong hun, it sounds like he needs a serious dose of tough love
give me an inbox if u want to talk or some support from someone who knows how u feel x

I would say don't allow yourself and your DCs to become his victims.
If he has dragged you into a mess through his own irresponsibility, it is quite a different matter than simply helping him through depression.
I do know it's all interlinked and confusing. The longer you feel responsible for him and let him get away with it, trying to help him, the less you help your DCs and yourself OP. From your posts, you already know this.

I wished I'd done us all the favour of giving up and moving on yonks ago.
It might have been much better for him. (and without a doubt, would have been better for DCs and me)

It won't make you a bad person, if your DCs and you jump off the sinking ship.

Don't be part of it anymore if you can't take it anymore.

If you want to separate then do it. You don't need home to agree and not should you wait for him too. He will use whatever he can to prevent you from going especially if tgese tactics have worked before. It might sound harsh but you cannot be held accountable for his decisions.

You are not responsible for him or his feelings, and if you want out of the marriage, you should do that and not feel guilty or accept his emotional blackmail. In fact, perhaps letting him stand on his own two feet might be the making of him, as he will have to grow up. You are a whole, independent adult and no other person should force you to stay in a partnership that makes you unhappy, that is not acceptable. He is a grown man and you are not in any way obliged to stay married.

Agree with OhNoMyFanjo.You need to do the separating.You dont need his permission.You dont need to wait for him to get around to it.You leave and maybe take the children.You can make it plain that you are separating,and maybe put a time on it for how long you will be gone,that is up to you.
And you could go as soon as you have arranged something.
As daffy says,he is then going to have to change his behaviour in some way or other.

Hi there again. Thanks for all yr support. Had a big talk tonight. I had said maybe there was a chance if we separated for a time. But we are on totally different wave lengths. I had meant for several months. He said he would agree to go for a week provided i would promise to agree to give some real thought to whether i want to stay in the relationship..i said what is a week going to do to unravel 15years? I am a total cow to him at the moment. I hate myself for it but need to be a cow to get some distance and have time to think. Does that make sense? I told him tonight that he had to grow up and sort own problems out. I am aware that as a depressed person
he cannot do it but also aware that as someone who feels utterly betrayed by him i am in no mood to be nice to him. But feel like such a cow.

What I don't understand is why if he thinks that a week is going to do the trick he doesn't he just pi** off for a week. Its only a week for gods sake!

I should take him up on the offer.
And see how everything pans out.