I'm not too sure what I want to get out of writing this down but it feels more proactive than just going over it all in my head iyswim?
I am suffering with depression at the moment. I've had problems in the past with anxiety and although it's still a bit of a problem the depression seems to have taken over atm.
Basically, I think it stems from a lot of life events over the last 6 years. Starting with a major RTA when I was 19, shortly after I found out I was pregnant and my bf at the time left me when I was 8 months, met my now DH 18 months later, pregnant again 10 months after that and got married and then moved 300 miles away from all my friends and family. This is when the anxiety started.
I have always been a social person, thrived on being with my friends and family. Living so far away from everything I've known was really hard but I thought I could deal with it. I think I just tried to get through it rather than actually make a go of it. Really, I dont think I was ever really happy after we moved.
DH is in the military so he has been away a lot over the years and that's when I've really struggled the most. We now live in Germany and I hate it. Luckily they are moving us back due to my MH issues but it has highlighted how difficult the last few years have been. Problem is we're being sent back to the same place we were before and it's never going to be an option to live closer to friends and family.
I have become very self critical, I expect a lot of myself but recently I have become totally disengaged from my life. I dont enjoy being a SAHM anymore. I dont get any time to myself, there is always someone around that needs me/wants something from me. Everyday I wish DD2 was in childcare. I cant handle the constant demands anymore. I love her dearly obviously but being at home with the kids is driving me nuts.
I feel like I live my life for DH a lot of the time. He has his dream job and has fun doing it and I just follow him around. I know it sounds selfish but I want a life for myself too. I have to go back to full time work when we get back because we need the money. I really dont enjoy my work at all but I know I have to do it but in a way it makes me even more angry. DH has his dream job, I have a job I hate. However it will be a sort of life line. Having been at home with DC's for 6 years I'm more than ready to go back to work.
The depression is really getting to me the last few weeks, I think I could write a book on all the things that really piss me off every day and it's exhausting being so stressed and upset all the time.
Ah - this has already turned into me rambling, if you made it this far, thank you.
I think I just need to get things off my chest.