Worried about DH - anxiety, bereavement and possible depression - long OP - sorry

[ColumboIsMyHero]

Wanted to namechange but the site won't let me so just hope he won't come on.

DH lost his stepdad about 2 months ago. They were close, as his DSD had been around since DH was about 10 and they got on well. DSD's death was expected (cancer) and DH was able to be there. On top of this, DH has had a rough time at work - he dropped a few things and his boss has come down hard on him. Some of it was definitely just due to losing focus after his dad but some was 'his fault' which has made him feel guilty.

DH has a history of anxiety, specifically social phobia. He'd conquered it following CBT and a lot of personal effort. Outside of immediate family and one very close friend, no-one knows about (or would have spotted) the social phobia.

In the last month, DH has been very concerned about his own health. He's had some symptoms, probably consistent with IBS. He's gone to see a GP who suspects this but has ordered tests to rule out anything 'worse', and who does seem to have been thorough. DH, though, is freaking out, pretty much daily and is incredibly anxious. It seems to me like a very strong version of hypochondria. Today he's convinced he's either got cirrhosis (sp?) or liver cancer (what his DSD had). In the last few days he's been convinced it was pancreatic cancer, appendicitis, IBS, ulcers, colon cancer, Crohn's and god knows what else (I REALLY hate google right now). No matter what I, or the doctor say, he's obsessing about what it might be. I can normally calm him down a bit but I'm worried about either enabling the obsessing or being short-tempered about it. We've got two young DC and we both work full time. As a result there just isn't a lot of time to be as supportive as he needs, though I absolutely do what I can.

DH's normal response to illness is 'normal' - of course it's natural to be a bit concerned about your health if you're not 100% but his behaviour is, IMHO, out of proportion and definitely out of character for him. I strongly suspect a return of the anxiety - but focused on his (genuine) physical symptoms. I'm worried though, that he's also depressed. He's got no libido, has been pretty tired (though obv both of these could be due to the stomach problems or just having two small kids).

How do I support him? I've suggested he sees a counsellor. His view is that his fear is entirely rational and therefore he doesn't need counselling, despite admitting at other times that he's being extreme in his response. Of course I'm not pushing the sex thing at all (though I miss the closeness).

Sorry this is so long, I don't know what to do.

So sorry you are both going through this.
No real experience myself but sort of bumping to see if someone else more knowledgeable can help you.
Do you know when the test results are due?
If he does need counselling,and I ve no idea if he does or not,you might need to discuss this when he is at the times of admitting that he is being extreme.

Despite death being anticipated it hits hard so it is quite likely old problems have surfaced . Would he go back to his Cbt therapist even to humour you ?

thanks both. Amillion his results will take about a fortnight. cestlavie we've moved 200 miles since he saw his CBT person - I might see if I can get a recommendation for someone locally. I did, gently, raise it again this evening as he admitted that when he was worrying about it, the symptoms were worse. But he's adamant that he's right to worry. Today he read something about fatty liver disease and is now convinced he's got that. He was actually happy as although it sounds bad it's not as bad as cirrhosis etc.

This is bloody hard. He's normally so logical that he can be hard to reach emotionally.

I've been through something very similar, my DH's dad died and he felt was (is) head of the family and it was his 'turn' next etc. plus troubles at work, not sleeping, lots of small illness' taking him back and too to the docs.

I eventually persuaded him to see a councillor, we looked together and found one on line. He was male, which made his decision to go, he'd also worked in the same type of industry so understood so much. He was absolutely brilliant and gave me back my husband!

I wont tell you it was easy and he'll need support, I can tell by your concern that you'll be there for him, but things will get better with help. By the way the GP put him on antidepressants (he's still on them).

Best wishes.

While you both are waiting for the results,is there any chance you can go away for a day or two,perhaps at the weekend.

I guess when someone very close to you has suffered and died it it makes illness and death feel very real - even probable.
Can you distract him in some way until the results come back? Is he passionate about something - a hobby, sport etc?
Tell him how much you love him and that you're worried about him. Make sure he knows you're there for him to talk to.
Beyond that I don't know what you can do.... make sure you have someone to talk to too. x

I would also recommend counselling. I found out I had severely abnormal cervical cell changes approx 6 months after the sudden death of my very dear Dad. In the two years following that period I was obviously suffering depression and one of the ways it manifested was through anxiety. My hair started to thin, I was incredibly tired and could convince myself that despite surgery being successful, somehow some cells had been missed and I had developed cancer.

I say I was obviously depressed but I didn't recognise it until I was getting ready to call into work sick again so I could spend another day in bed without seeing a single person. I realised that wasn't healthy and wasn't me so I walked into a counsellor's office and asked for help. I saw them for about nine months I think and they really helped. I needed to grieve for my Dad and I'd never given myself the opportunity or permission.

I really hope your DH gets some help to grieve for his Dad and to manage his anxiety.

thank you all. I don't have time to respond properly tonight but will tomorrow. Your thoughtful posts have really helped.

I think we had a bit of a crisis last night but it's actually helped. We had a bit of a spat about something stupid. He got VERY angry and tbh, if he'd ever had any history of violence I'd have been frightened. There was a lot of slamming doors and 'don't come near me or else' (all him) in front of our eldest DC (3). I kept calm but told him that I wasn't going to be spoken to like that and if he kept going I was going to leave the house with the children. It's the most awful argument we've ever had but it seems to have lanced it as his reaction was so out of character. He's kind of realised that he's 'not normal' for him, iyswim? We had a decent talk later about what had happened and that he's not really grieved for DSD. He said that he didn't know how.

Anste I'm sorry you've had to go through this too but of course glad you've got your husband back. Thanks for posting - it gives me hope we can work through it, even though it's early days.

Banjogurl I'm finding it really hard to find someone to talk to - thank god for Mumsnet. My best mate is overseas and not contactable and my parents have their own problems. It's not the sort of thing that you just chat about at work so I come on here and talk to strangers instead! We've got his brother and his family coming to stay this weekend so hopefully that'll distract for a bit.

Allbelly so sorry about your dad and the health scare afterwards. Just knowing that I'm not mad thinking about the impact his DSD dying has really helped.

That realisation is great news, although the argument must have been horrible for you both. I think it's assumed that grief is an automatic emotion but actually I think the enormity of losing someone you love can be so great that shutting down is the only way to keep yourself getting up in the morning and so you don't allow yourself to think about the person you've lost or what that loss means.

That realisation is great news, although the argument must have been horrible for you both. I think it's assumed that grief is an automatic emotion but actually I think the enormity of losing someone you love can be so great that shutting down is the only way to keep yourself getting up in the morning and so you don't allow yourself to think about the person you've lost or what that loss means.

My thoughts are with you, keep positive and thank you for your message.

It may help if you have old photos out at the weekend,to help your DH and his brother with the grieving process.