Just nearly drove into a lamppost

[bananacrepe]

I have scared myself. Everything was suddenly so overwhelming, I screamed so loudly and if there'd been one at the side of the road I think I'd have done it. Pulled over as soon as I could and sobbed down phone to DH who came to pick me up. I am scared. I don't know what to do.

Do you think you could talk to your HV or GP about it?

Are you safe now? Are you currently receiving any support/help from GP etc?

You should perhaps consider going to a/e and explaining how you are feeling.

I'm on ADs and currently on sick leave. Not sure what else they can do. DH is great but is scared I think. Search for my thread in here if you want backstory... Scared to put it on again as it's largely my own fault

Everyone makes mistakes OP, but that doesn't mean you deserve what you're going through.
There's a wealth of help out there, sadly sometimes it takes a while to find what you need, but it's there. You don't have to feel like this.
You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else.
Please give the OOH GP a call, you need some more support right now, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
You will come out the other side of this.

Ditto re: scented's post. Be kind to yourself.

I can't call gp, they can't do anything else.

He has destroyed me.

There might be other ADs you can try, or counselling, there will be something.
I promise you, you are not destroyed. This is temporary, and you deserve help. Please, please don't give up.
I know that it seems impossible when all the lights have gone out, but there is always hope.
We are here for you, and we believe in you. Be kind to yourself, and pick up the phone.

Thank you for your kind messages. I've just started on new ADs but only been on them a couple of days so they're not working yet. I don't think anyone can help. I am scaring DH because he doesn't know what to do when I cry and scream and punch the sofa (nothing more breakable than that, and even in my desperate state I am very careful not to hurt him). I am so angry and don't know how to get rid of it. I am so hurt. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

I'm not sure they could have any effect at all yet - ordered by doc to have half of one every other day so I've only have half so far! I hope so much they work. I can't take much more o this. I can't sleep or eat properly, I just keep crying, and screaming, and punching cushions. God I sound like a right nutcase

You're not a nutcase bananacrepe, well no more than I am . I saw this thread and couldn't read and run after you were so supportive this morning.

First things first- you DIDN'T drive into a lamp post, you may have wanted to, you may have had the impulse to, but you didn't do it. When I was having CBT for intrusive thoughts (throwing myself in front of a tube train) my therapist told me to remember that the 'lamp won't turn on by itself'. Thinking about the action won't turn the lamp on.

What is your usual daily routine while you're off sick? Are there any little 'me' things you can do to help you tomorrow? A bath first thing in the morning? A favorite book or film? A whole pot of tea? Snuggly PJs?

I stopped crying by the way eventually .

Thanks Callaloo. I don't really have a routine - finding it so hard to be motivated to do anything. Hate being on my own but couldn't cope at work at the moment. I don't have any friends around here - OM was my best friend (before anything happened). Now he's ditched me as a friend too because he has his new gf so doesn't need me any more. DH tries but doesn't know what to do to help. I might try some gardening to get outside.