Any SAHMs out there feeling a bit down? I could do with a kindred spirit

[CravingSunshine]

I am sorry if this sounds like a tired outpouring or something you?ve heard before but I need to get it down?
Outwardly I have absolutely no reason to be upset- 2 beautiful babies and a supportive DH- but I feel desperately sad, lonely and without direction. I had a challenging and intellectually-satisfying job but resigned after weighing up childcare costs vs income. I miss having a professional identity and I miss terribly those minor and apparently insignificant social interactions that take place in the workplace. I do some work from home of a different nature which provides a bit of pocket money and a focus of sorts but it?s not the same as belonging to an organisation.
I feel like my brain is dribbling away to nothing. We are moving house and DH has taken care of everything, leaving me with no role whatsoever. Does that sound ridiculously ungrateful? He does it because he?s at a desk and it?s easier to respond to phone calls but I feel utterly redundant and thick. I?ve said it to him but he can?t seem to take his eye off the ball and delegate although he?s very busy at work.
Everyone recommends I go to playgroups to meet other mums. I went when DS1 was 10 months and got to know a few people but as soon as we arrived at the group he wanted to leave; I stuck it out for a bit but couldn't see the point. Now with DD2 5 months and DS1 still needing supervision, I find it incredibly stressful to manage the two of them in crowded rooms so I prefer not to go.
I feel the days stretch ahead of me and tend to cry an awful lot. I do the same things each day ? shops, playgrounds, the odd coffee with a friend- with only a little variation purely because I can?t cope with the stress of more complex plans and ultimately don?t think the babies appreciate the effort! I also need them both to nap at midday at home so I have some sanity.
I have no family nearby and the in-laws, who live a longish drive away, are emotionally unsupportive and can?t stop pointing out how much ?better we have it nowadays as mothers?- those kinds of comments send me plummeting further into the abyss.
The house move takes us to an even quieter and more residential area and I guess deep down I?m worried about becoming even more depressed at the prospect of less to do and starting over with neighbourhood friendships. Has anyone else been in the same boat and climbed ashore? Thank you for reading and listening?

I can relate. It's such an isolating time - and it is for so many people although it doesn't seem like that sometimes. Add to that a house move. I can understand your misery.

I steered clear of crowded gatherings with two - still do to a certain extent, as keeping a close eye on two children moving in opposite directions requires superhuman powers. We are in the park - a lot. I have met quite a few people either in the playground or just sitting on the grass with my two. I'm usually drinking coffee and they are running themselves silly - somehow other mums just wander up to chat. That said, I do think it's worth taking yourself out of your comfort zone every so often, just to check whether it's the right time or not yet. It might be a disaster, but one might just work and actually be a nice day for all of you. And if it is a disaster then just try again in a few weeks. And I mean to a local farm, or zoo, or a random journey on the train down three stops and back. Just once every few weeks. For me it didn't really start getting easier until DC2 was about a year and we got more adventurous.

If playgroups aren't your thing (and they're not really mine), have you thought about classes? Signing, music, dance - that sort of thing? Regular weekly thing, you can let DC1 run around safely and you're with people who know you.

Also is there anything at all about the house move that you could help with? So rather than asking DH to think of something, perhaps you suggest what you could do and how you would do it - he might just not have time to do a proper handover if that makes sense.

And I guess the standard stock MN response to posts like yours are to consider whether this is standard misery of the first year of babyhood (which it was for me), or something more serious, potentially worth seeing your GP for.

Loss of professional identity and role confusion is also a BIG deal. Don't underestimate the effect of this.

Thanks so much, Foshizzle for the solidarity and sound advice. It all seems slightly rosier when they're in bed, doesn't it? You are right about stepping out of the zone once in a while and sometimes it does work. I hope when we move that I meet another mum who looks after both her kids all day so we have things in common; where I live most people seem to be able to put the older one in nursery for a bit of a break and time with the younger one. A nice luxury...

I've actually made friends with quite a few mums who have their older ones in nursery and it works out just as well but for different reasons. They are good companions to take on your stepping out of comfort zone days as they're used to juggling two, but only have one with them, so will be on hand to give you lots of support, perspective and practical help if you need it. Don't discount it.

Yes, I love looking at them when they're sleeping, Flinch when they threaten to wake up!!!

If you posted this on the feminist board,they would say go out to work.
They realise that the childcare costs dont add up,but feel you lose out career wise otherwise.
I think for you,it does sound like you need to be out in the workplace a bit more.
Can you go back to your old job part time?

I've found having two DCs a bit more isolating. It is harder to get out and about with two. As mine get a bit older it is getting much easier though. They are 3 and 8 months. Have you tried the MN local boards to see if there are any mums in the same position nearby?
It must be incredibly hard to stop work because of the costs involved when you still want to keep working. I work part time and it helps keep my brain active! I feel more like me and it is a break in an odd way. Hope things improve for you OP

Thanks amillionyears and felicity, I did consider going back to work part-time but the nature of my work wasn't flexible in that it couldn't be contained over, say 2 or 3 days and would have also spilled into the weekend. It was a stressful job and I guess I thought that it might be even worse working and minding the two and fitting in weekend work. It's something I do need to think about, whether I find different work that can be contained in a day and ends at 5pm and use tax credits to fund a day or 2 half days at nursery. I'll have to see! Thanks for the solidarity.

OP I know how you feel.

I'm a SAHM with one year old twins and I am struggling with it. I am bored, and believe me I feel selfish admitting that.

I do love being with them, but every day seems like groundhog day. I don't drive, which doesn't help and don't have any friends near by who are in a similar position. I even find it hard getting to groups on my own- I have been to a couple when they were younger but find it more daunting now they are older.

I feel alone, stressed, negative and sometimes can't drag myself out the house, even for a walk (I used to go every day when they were younger). I try to make each day fun for my twins and have lots of play etc but I (and possibly they?!) am sick of being stuck in the house.

OP, I hope when you move you're able to meet some other parents in a similar position. Are you moving far from where you are now? Hopefully it will open up some new opportunities for you

OneBlueSunday thanks for posting. You sound very blue indeed!today I took mine to a small playground which wasn't too hard to manage whilst feeding the baby because I could see where my older one was running off to. It made a bit of a change from our usual routine of feeding baby in the living room with him jumping all over the cushions and I did get chatting to two nice mums. I won't probably see them again but it was better than speaking to no-one.
Perhaps you do need to drag yourself out of the house and it will make you feel better. I always try and get out by 9.45 latest and I'm back for about 1145. They both nap at 12/1230 so I feel I've broken the back of the day and time definitely goes quicker when you're out and about.
I am moving about 15mins drive away from where we are now so it's going to be a fresh start in some ways, I hope. I will really try and get to know some kindred spirits in my area.
Did you think of chatting to a GP, by the way? They can be really helpful in terms of someone to talk to and keeping an eye on what's just being a bit low and what is borderline depression.

Cravingsunshine - I hear you!
I could have written the same post when my son was tiny. I still struggle - less so now he is a tiny toddler, but the days are long and hard sometimes.
I remember days of crying and wish, wish, wish I had got some help from my GP. I work in a profession allied to health and it didn't occur to me that I had PND. Looking back I think I did.

You feel selfish but you are not. Parenting little babies with little/no support from wider family is mind-numbingly difficult. I had (before baby) responsible, high pressured profession and it was, frankly, a piece of piss compared to parenting.

I work minimal hours freelance and although the hours and flexibility are unbeatable, the isolation is really tough sometimes isn't it? I think you nailed it on the head when you referred to the insignificant social interactions. I yearn for someone to just say "fancy a cup of tea?" at some point during the day or ask my view on something...anything. I miss the intellectual stimulation and the agility of thought I used to have. I feel like foggy brained numpty these days.

My lovely husband works long hours and he is just about perfect dad and husband when he is around so I have little to complain about...its just...well lonely really. I have had zero success with groups and as an older mum feel a bit out of place.

Things that have helped me are having something -anything - scheduled each day. Forget whether the babies appreciate it or gain from it. You do. It has been a life saver because the endless days feel less suffocating. If you drive, just get out of the house. Yes, its a pain in the arse. Yes, when you feel low its so hard to get yourself and babies going, but it all seems different when the radio is on and you are OUT of the house.

Also, create something for yourself. A course you can do from home, join a gym, again anything that provides you with something that is just yours.

I joined the unmentionable (netmums) and met some other mums on their "meet a mum" board that are local. There are far from bestest mates of mine, but it helps a bit.

Anyway, don't suffer alone. I did and now I feel like I was an idiot. Anytime you need to vent, find me. Unless you are in Yorkshire, it will have to be virtual.

It gets better - I swear to God, it gets better. I am very close to loving it now. Those are words I never thought I would say!
x

I know how you feel OP. I'm very sad, a lot of the time, even though I love DD to death. Today I have mostly sat on the sofa and eaten biscuits, even though I've got suitcases upstairs that need unpacking (we moved last week). I always have good intentions to do something productive but can't bear play groups or classes and have just bowed out of a swimming class as I found it so stressful. I'm on ADs as of a couple of weeks ago but they don't seem to be helping yet. I feel like I just need someone to push me into being cheery and a good mum!

tinysleepy I'm in Yorkshire :)

I have tears running down my face reading this, Realising I am not alone.

I love my children with all my heart but just feel so sad and lonely all the time. Not helped by the fact my DH works 3.30pm-2.30am and even does overtime on his days off since I was made redundant. I think that is part of the problem, I didn't make the choice to become a SAHM.

I struggle to get out of the house, I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone.

I have turned into such a lazy person as well, I look terrible, If, three years ago you showed me a picture of what I look like now I would not recognise me.

I need to get a grip and make a plan for getting 'me' back.

Kaloobear - I have sent you a PM :o

tinysleepy your advice is excellent, thanks, and sadly I'm miles away from Yorkshire or I'd be inviting you and kaloobear round for a cup of tea and some M&S all butter shortbread. Let's keep the virtual thing going and if anyone has good ideas on cheery activities they should share them. I will do the one activity a day thing - went on a short train journey today which was good and took care of the morning.
terra I really feel for you. I think there is SO much to be said for expressing your feelings to someone who's a good listener. When your'e on your own all the time you just have too much time to think about all the things that are wrong. The GP I saw- who I don't really know- seemed to be quite good and requested to see me again and I feel I could talk to her so I'm going to line up my issues in advance so I'm prepared. Last night I had a serious chat with DH about how crap our evenings are: we're always on FB or eBay, frittering potential quality time away; we never have proper conversations but just flit about talking about nothing. I told him that most days he's the only person I actually like that I get to speak to in a day (how sad is that?!) and that our conversation time is therefore gold dust so we shouldn't watch the despressing News at 10 or refresh forum pages.
I think tinysleepy's idea of the gym is really good. Does anyone else resent the fact that they no longer earn their own salary? That's a biggy for me and although DH is completely into sharing everything I feel a gym membership is a hard one to justify as it's really expensive and he isn't in one himself.

cravingsunshine - its tough not having your own salary isn't it?! I used to really fret about it, but then I figure that if I got paid 1p for every 1 second my DS has been attached to the boob since birth, then I would be a bizillionnaire!
I have decided I am joining gym on Monday for my sanity. Its expensive; its embarrassing; and I can't even find a sports bra to fit my still-breastfeeding norks but sod it. I am gonna do it. I am horrifically unfit, but am determined to do the couch to 5K thing. My DH keeps giggling at the idea of me running...I will show him!!! And actually there is good evidence for helping mental health...there is your justification!

Anyway, there I was giving advice and just had day from hell - baby moody + mummy moody + horrible oppressive weather = miserable day.
Had proper cry for first time today for ages and really, really clock watched all day which is always bad sign. I swear to God the clock went backwards today... it was one of those where DS got fed up with Megablocks after 13 seconds, bored with books, even tired of Finding Nemo which is unheard of! He kept looking longingly at his playhouse in the garden that was being smashed into oblivion by the torrential rain. Bedtime couldn't come quickly enough, and now I am looking at his sweet face and feeling guilty and sick for being crap mum today.
Will take my own advice and get out and about tomorrow...wishing you all happy mummy days x

I do that, Countdown to bedtime thinking the day will never end, Then when they are sleeping I miss them and look in on them and just look at them adoringly.

I've always had at least one job since I was 14, It is hard to cope with not earning your own money but harder to cope with just feeling like I have no life.

I am working on a plan to try and kick myself out of this before going to the doctor. Starting slowly, Am ashamed to admit it but I don't even remember to brush my teeth each day, disgusting. (make sure the children do though, youngest is only 13mo so not that many teeth anyway :) )

What brightens your days, little things? (things that cost no money preferably)

Craving Sunshine- How are you today? I do suspect that I had/have some PND- I was considering seeing a doctor a while ago but I'm not sure I want to go down that route yet (I know I probably should)

I'm going to try and give myself goals and things to focus on- like learning to drive for example (which would help me a great deal), and getting out the house (although I don't really have anywhere to go!)

TerraNotSoFirma- I'm struggling to think of things that brighten my day- hmmm.... actually, the best thing is when I have adult company! That puts a spring in my step but it rarely happens in the day. I would love to be out and about most days, I think it would help me hugely. Also a bath and book when DH is home. Listening to favourite music. A glass of wine when toddlers are in bed (although this is often short lived due to waking alot).

Things to brighten your day...
DEFINITELY some adult company. I have a relative staying till Monday while DH is away and it's halved my stress levels even though he's not as helpful as, say, my own mum. There's just something about having someone else there to chat to while you're feeding or someone else to play with DS when you're too busy washing up again.
I had a crap day yesterday. Was really slow and disorganised in the morning for some reason and ended up sterilising bottles way too late and by this point DS was getting bored. Whilst I was changing DD's nappy on the kitchen table (I spray the table it afterwards btw) DS started opening the hoover cupboard and pulling out the laundry baskets, shopping bags, hoover hose, nozzle, and pulling the flex out of the hoover. Yet more stuff for me to tidy up and I don't NEED anymore housework. I just lost it at him and made the two of them cry... Their little lower lips went in fear. Not a good moment.
Things that brighten my day... nice old ladies in supermarkets complimenting my children's behaviour or when DS charms them with a killer smile.
That glass of wine at 7pm though I'm still trying to lose 6 pounds for a wedding in July and the wine doesn't help but you've got to give yourself a break don't you? Eyes will all be on the bride anyway... tinysleepy I think you have a novel in you entitled 'The Clock Went Backwards'. I think I'm going to join a gym too. I tried jogging in the neighbourhood a couple of evenings after their bedtime but you know what? I'm sick and tired of the neighbourhood as I spend every waking minute in it! I want to be inspired by other fit people in the gym who go all the time. Have you tried circuits? That's one kick-ass way to get fit, it's varied and the time flies and you get a brilliant workout. I used to do it before I had my kids (2010 was birth of first one) and I was so fit.
onebluesunday definitely think you should learn to drive. The lessons will be something for you that takes you out of the house and gives you another important focus. And what a -without seeming to be dramatic here- life- achievement it will be to pass. It will totally change how you get out and about.