I'm hoping some of you wise people on the mental health threads can help me with this.
My brother in law has been with his partner (let's call her SIL) for five years. In that time, I have met her once as she suffers from severe anxiety and depression. I would really like to get to know her, but not sure how.
As background, BIL and I have always been close. He and DH (his brother) used to fight a lot but since I get on so well with BIL, they have become much better friends, which is lovely. Before he met SIL, he used to stay regularly with us, come for all my birthdays and while he has always been a bit rubbish at email/phone contact, he was always around.
After he met SIL, it was a year before we met her at a family wedding. BIL had explained that her depression and anxiety meant she was scared to meet us. We all - even my MIL who was tremendously excited - managed to keep things low key to not be overwhelming and she said how much she loved meeting us all. She said she had heard lots about us and was thrilled to finally get the chance to see everyone - it was all really nice.
Anyway, since then, we have never met her again. BIL and SIL live about three hours away and DH and I have a toddler and both work full time, so it's not a case of popping in. When we are anywhere nearby, we always call and offer to come over but are told that she doesn't like other people in the house. We phone and email to offer that they both come and stay with us but she doesn't like staying with people. She has once been over to PIL but although she told MIL that she thinks his family are lovely, she can't cope with visits.
This means BIL rarely sees us now either as he doesn't want to leave her as he gets worried about her. He didn't see our toddler for an entire year and this would have been unthinkable only a few years ago. (Not for want of us trying to meet him anywhere he liked!)
We saw BIL a couple of weeks ago at PIL house (without SIL) for the first time in a year and he only stayed a short while because he didn't want to leave SIL. She was obviously invited but didn't feel up to coming. Then BIL came and she was upset because she didn't feel she could come so he cut short his visit too. He says he doesn't feel he could come and stay with us anymore as she wouldn't feel able to visit and he has to put her first.
Does anyone have any ideas how I can get to know SIL better given these restrictions? (Bear in mind we are quite a way away from them, working FT with a small child.) I just feel so sad that we hardly see BIL anymore and I feel awful that we don't know the woman he really loves at all.
I don't think she dislikes us or anything like that as it is the same for everyone that BIL knows. She has been having CBT and medication for some years. Although I have had some very depressed spells in life, so I am sympathetic, I don't have experience of this level of illness. Any ideas of stuff I could do that wouldn't be overbearing/annoying/etc?
Thanks.