Any Children of Bipolar Parents Here?

[CleoSmackYa]

I have Bipolar and I worry about the effect this will have on my daughter as she grows up. Last year she saw me get taken away by an ambulance (I ended up getting sectioned) and she must have seen what was happening to warrant that (I can't remember). She's witnessed all the mood swings, the days I can't get out of bed, and all the hyperactivity (she enjoys that bit though!). I sometimes worry she's grown up too fast, as she's very mature for her age (she's 5). I was diagnosed in October and have been getting lots of support since then, and am slowly getting better.

My question is, how have you been affected (if at all) by having a Bipolar parent? (If I'm not being too nosy).

Yes, and I am very affected, but in my case my mother is an alcoholic as well and we had some pretty hairy times. I regularly was involved in getting my mother sectioned, dealing with doctors and rung the ambulance on numerous occasions. It has massively affected my confidence, my self-identity, my ability to "cope" as an adult, my relationships, my understanding of what is "real" or "normal".

I suspect your daughter will be affected (not at all to the extent I was) as it is scary not knowing what is going on with mummy, and missing her when she is away. BUT what you have hugely going in your favour is that you are caring about your daughter and that will make a huge huge difference. Are you still with your husband? Are there other adults in her life she can chat with and play with?

In my case my mother was ill for most of my childhood (and still is on and off). In your case, the very fact that you are working on getting better and managing your illness is truly fantastic and will make a big big difference. You will be able to talk to your daughter about it in age appropriate ways as she grows up (Sometimes mummy feels very tired and needs to sleep.... ).

I know you may well not be "ill" again, but I would be tempted to plan for it in advance in case it happens in the sense of making sure there are some adults that your daughter can talk to about it (does she have godparents or anyone similar?) This is the single biggest thing that would have made a difference in my life I think. If you have a friend or someone you could say to "btw, if I am this ill again (not that I'm planning to be but with bi polar you don't know) would you take an interest in X and be "there" for her. I could have done with someone to be able to ring (obviously at older than 5) and say " I can't cope with this/mum/life".

I am just writing as I think so I hope I'm not saying anything inappropriate. It sounds like you are doing ever so well, managing well and caring for your daughter wonderfully. Although I don't have bipolar I have days I just want to sleep and avoid the world and don't have extended family support and I too am worried about the effect on my daughter. It is something I think about a lot!

Thanks for replying! You didn't say anything inappropiate! I'm going through a good patch so want to research this as much as possible while I can take it all in.
I have a back-up plan for if anything happens (fingers crossed it won't). I'm not with her Dad anymore but I have close, supportive friends around me if I need them, and m daughter knows her Godmother (my best friend) will always be there for her, should she need her, and they're very close.
How honest do you think I should be with her? We're very close and I don't want to be lying to her, but also, I think she's too young to know everything, and I wouldn't know how to explain it anyway. At the moment she knows I 'get a poorly head' sometimes and need sleep.

I honestly don't know the answer to that one. As a child I wanted to know everything, especially as a teenager, BUT that was because I felt responsible for my mother and developed into a fairly unhealthy need to look after her (would dash back from uni everytime she felt suicidal, spent the day after my wedding with her in hospital, missed my wedding rehersal..) From my current adult perspective I would say to keep it minimal along the lines you have said, that you feel a bit poorly. I had to stay in hospital when I gave birth second time around and my daughter (3) still talks about it now, so I know it affected her and she was scared then, but I think talking about it in terms of "they looked after mummy until I was better and could come to you" in my case has helped.

It sounds like you are in a good position in that you have a back up plan and close friends, especially the Godmother. I wouldn't go on about it often with her but if she brings it up or seems worried about it you can say things along the lines of "if mummy is poorly again you will do x y and z and stay with x again, and then I will come home" just so she knows it is going to be ok if she is worrying about it. I didn't have an adult I could go to and that would have made such a difference. If as she grows up she stays close to her godmother (as it sounds like she is) then that will be such a help should she need to talk when she is older, and just in knowing that someone else cares for her, will play with her, etc when you are off colour. Is it her she stayed with when you are in hospital?

Gosh my typing and thinking is shot! I certainly need some closer friends (I've kept moving) for my daughter to talk to - and it does sound like you have a good system in place

Yes, it was her Godmother she stayed with.
You have been a massive help, Thank you!

Hi Cleo; I don't have a parent with Bipolar, so to some extent I can't answer your question, but I am a parent with Bipolar so I figure I can tell you what works for us, if that makes sense.

I felt it was very necessary for the DD's to know about my illness, as I thought it would make the whole thing significantly less scary if/when I got ill again- they would be able to rationalise it to some extent and know that there was a reason for my behaviour, and it was nothing they had done. With care, I felt it would be possible for them to know how to handle it so they knew what to do, but minimise the responsibility aspect they might feel.

My DD's are older than yours (nearly 13 and 10), so are able to understand the issues in a slightly more complex way. I have asthma, so we likened it to that. Most of the time, as long as I take my inhalers, I'm well and don't have any problems- you wouldn't be able to tell unless I was a bit wheezy or told someone. Very occasionally, even with meds, I might have an asthma attack and need some more help and treatment. The thing is, I don't want to be ill, so I'll go get this treatment myself. Sometimes, very very rarely, I'm not able to make the phonecall to get help myself, so if they are ever worried they know to call someone. We said it was the same with bipolar, except instead of my lungs being affected, it was my brain. And sometimes, that made me behave in a strange kinda way.

In the same way as your DD though, they very much enjoy it when I'm manic. I've said before on here that they are getting quite good at identifying it and ruthlessly exploiting me usually in toyshops/Claires/insert shopping opportunity of choice.... little darlings! I also must say that given they are mini versions of me in that we've all been described as as 'the human equivalent of border collies' (yes, even when I'm well!), it's usually the only time I can actually manage to exhaust them. I guess I'm lucky in that both of them adore school and would be mortified to not go, otherwise I'm sure they would have no trouble in persuading me of the benefit of a day/week off in order to do 'fun stuff'. See earlier comment of little darlings! They also have told me, somewhat surprisingly, they don't find it too hard when I'm depressed; some of their happy memories have been when we all take to my bed for the day, with junk food for them (unheard of in this house, but very easy for me to manage on the days when it's crazy hard for me to do anything), duvets, the laptops, and a stash of dvds. I guess, at the very least, it gives them time for chill out too.

I guess the thing that made it easier, as PeaTarty has already said, was that when I was well-ish, we sat down and worked out a plan. They know that a) I don't expect or indeed want them to look after me, and b) it is not their place to do so. I feel very strongly that they are children, and should not be forced into the position of taking responsibility for me. And so, we worked out an action plan for 'Tits Up Times', as we call it. The girls find this legitimised bad language hilarious- mummy swears in front of us, shock horror! , and thus hopefully it has stuck in their minds in terms of what to do if it happens.

We have a list of the emergency list which contains all the numbers they might need, which is laminated and kept on the inside of the cupboard- both of them know where it is. It has the phone numbers of all the people we trust on it, in a suggested order to call (the people on this list all know about the situation, and are happy to step in and organise the getting of help if need be), along with the number of the crisis team. They also know what kind of things I do might make them think they need to make this call.

I was a bit reluctant to do this, as I felt it was putting to much, and frankly inappropriate responsibility on them, but as a friend pointed out, it would be significantly more unfair for them to be in a position where they were worried about me, but didn't have a way to talk to someone about it. Hopefully, if the worst happens, it won't be so scary and will minimise the responsibility on them. They won't be the one who has to shoulder all the burden of care.

I guess time will tell if it works, or they end up feeling horrible responsible for me. At the moment though, it seems like they aren't being negatively affected- I think it's actually helped them in some way, as we talk openly about mental health issues. DD1 has said that it's been easier for her to talk to me and understand about things she sees people in her school doing or feeling. I think she's able to see it in terms of illness in the same way as 'flu etc, and not as generic weirdness, if that makes sense. I think it's also made them know, that if they ever feel like they have mental health issues there there is nothing wrong with getting help; that treatment is available, and they don't have to feel that way forever.

Fingers crossed, anyway! I guess that's all, as parents we can do. Life would be so much easier (if less interesting) if they came with a how to manual!

God this is long- why can I never been succinct?

That sounds brilliant! I wish my mother had been as good as you :-)

I have bipolar and although my dad hasn't been diagnosed I'm pretty certain he has it as are medical professionals I've spoken to when discussing his behaviour over the years

I look at my dad and see so many similarities it scares me because no way do I want to be like him (alcoholic, multiple marriages and children, bankruptcy and he's just plain cruel in the wrong mood). He's got 5 natural children from various marriages and relationships and only has a relationship with me and my half brother. One of my earliest memories is one night the police were round the house, my dad had disappeared probably either drunk or stoned and kept ringing my threatening to commit suicide by driving in the river. No child should have to witness that.

It actually makes me determined to be a better parent than he was. I do struggle, a lot, but I'm sure as hell going to do my best. That's all anyone can do.

You can also contact local "young carers" support groups for help and support for your dd.

I am bipolar, and spent most of the summer when my children were 7&5 in a psychiatric ward. I had split up from their father the year before. My daughter started school in the September just after my 'summer of horrors'.

Both children coped with it surprisingly well at the time, due mostly to support from their Dad, my family and some close friends. We have had some interesting times since then, but nothing like as bad.

Both children were very happy and well balanced as children, both went on to get 5 A's at A level. My son has graduated and found the job in London that he wanted (when apparently there were no jobs out there) and my daughter is part way through her degree at Cambridge university. They couldn't have done better!

I'be always been very open with them about my condition, and about mental health in general. I feel I have put a lot into 'parenting' them, perhaps to compensate for my bad times, but then most parents do, don't they?

Thank you so much for all replies! I'm feeling a lot more positive about it all now you've shared your experiences. You've helped me more than you know!