how do I explain depression to ds's?

[coffeeandcake]

hi,
I have 2 ds, 8 & 5 yo. i have been feeling worse and worse for weeks now (bereavement and just 'life' stuff). i share the ds with exh, who has taken them on this week as i just cannot cope anymore. i don't really know how to explain things to them, other than 'mummy feels very sad atm'. they naturally blame themselves, and i need to reassure them that it is in no way their fault (except that ds1 has anger issues, and targets me much of the time, verbally & physically).

any suggestions on how i explain to them why they can't stay at mum's at the moment?

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Do they know about measles, chicken pox etc? Could you try explaning that it's an illness like flu, but it doesn't give you a rash and you can't really see the problem?

Sorry if that's a bit simplistic, just didn't want to read and run.

thanks, dashing redhead. that's a good take on it. x

Really sorry to hear that things are so tough at the moment. Michael Rosen's Sad Book is an absolutely beautiful picture book. I read it to my dc when I was depressed (they were also 8 and 5 at the time) after my dad died and lots of other tough stuff happened and I was depressed and barely functioning. It also happens to be pretty much the best 'manual' for living with bereavement that I've ever seen.

Take care of yourself. This sounds so hard. xxx

Oh Rookery feeling much empathy for you. I know the horrors of depression and anxiety and have intermittent depression following a severe episode 2 years ago, from which I haven't fully recovered.

Firstly are you getting any help with the depression - it sounds like a typical reactive depression and if you haven't already done so I think you should go to the GP and he/she may prescribe ADs which can be life saving in my experience.

I have the same problem, about what I can tell my DGD aged 12. I usually just keep away when I am having bad days (and some of them are very bad with me crying a lot. I have 2 younger DGC aged 7 and 3 but they live a long way away so only see them every 6 weeks and I don't think they'd notice really, but it's different for you as these are your children.

Maybe something like "Mommy is a bit poorly at the moment, sore head/tummy whatever so I might be a grumpy but will get better soon" although other suggestions sound helpful, especially the book - wonder if it's available on Amazon.

Do you know what the anger issues are about with your oldest son - is it related to the break up of the marriage. He shouldn't be allowed to target you verbally and certainly not physically. Have you sought help for him at all, a GP can refer him to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) don't be put off by the mental health thing. They do work with children who are hurt and is being manifested in anger. I assume he doesn't show this anger with his dad. Are you on reasonable terms with your ex - if so I was wondering if you could both talk to him together. I'm sorry cus I know you are feeling so low at the moment, but something needs to be done about your boy's anger towards you, because if he is like this at 8, it will be awful as he gets bigger and stronger.

Do you have any RL support - family/friends.

nananina, thank you so much for your post. ds HAS been through SServices and is awaiting CAMHS referral at the mo, but last time his behaviour was 'not bad enough' (he bruised my ribs by kicking me on Thu - maybe THAT counts though )
i had an emergency gp app't today & am on AD now.
rookery, that book sounds a great idea! i will check amazon now about it.

I think be as honest as possible. But emphasize that it is not their fault and it doesn't affect how much you love them, and that you are working hard to get better and then you will be able to spend more time with them.

can i catch it like a cold is good for older child

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Catch-Like-Cold-Depression/dp/088776956X and see the recomended list underneath

also contact young carers locally
www.youngcarers.net/

Here's the link to the Michael Rosen book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Rosens-Sad-Book-Rosen/dp/1406317845/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340119053&sr=8-1

rookery i have ordered the book, thanks!
am off to see dss now to chat to them. will take all your ideas with me.
thank you so much. this is such a supportive site. :-)

Hope it went well.

My ds is a bit younger than yours but sadly is aware when mummy is having a bad day.

I tell him mummy's brain gets tired and it's like having head monsters that make things seem sad for no reason. I tell him I fight the head monsters with laughing and nice fun times.

I tell him it's not his fault, that I still love him very much and that he helps by making me so happy. We cuddle a lot and I try keep the tears till after bedtime.

If he sees me sad I say it's normal everyone gets sad sometimes and it's nothing to hide away from.

I was going to suggest the Michael Rosen book too.
There's another book too called 'Why is mommy so sad?' by Beth Andrews. I haven't read it myself but the reviews on Amazon look promising.
Mind also do a booklet called <a class="break-all" href="//twww.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/how_to_parent_when_youre_in_a_crisiso" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">how to parent when you're in a crisis which might be worth a peek. Interestingly it mentions anger issues in children of depressed parents.
It sounds like you're a really thoughtful mother looking out for her kids even when going through the mill herself. Hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's just what shines out from your posts.

domestic thanks for that - i don't feel like a thoughtful mother, i feel like a total failure tbh :(
i will look at all the book suggestions.
i spoke to boys last night & said that mummy was poorly in a way that made her feel sad sometimes, and that it was nothing that they were doing. i said that the doctor had given me some medicine to help me get better. i also said how loved they were and that if mummy cries sometimes it's ok - hugs really help to make me feel better!
they were fine. very clingy to me.

You're not a failure - you're just having a hard time. And they love you.

My mum had depression for most of my childhood - but I didn't know. I remember some days she would laugh at something I did, the nest day she was sad so I'd do the same thing and be sent to my room. So it is important to let your dc know that you are ill.

How are your kids with science? Maybe explain that the chemicals in mummy's brain are not working properly so it makes you feel sad for no reason, it also makes you really really tired.

Explain that when you are sad you might not be able to look after them properly, and that nothing they do has caused this. You and daddy both love them and daddy is helping mum get better becaue she needs to sleep a lot. If you are asleep you cannot take them to school, cook tea, etc etc so they are helping you get better as well.

Could you have a 'mummy chart' - a range of faces from very sad to very happy, then put a peg or other marker on the face that matches your feelings?