what is wrong with me?

[Mooshaboom]

Hi, long time lurker but this is my first post,

I'm finding life in general really difficult to cope with, I'm not sure what I expect to gain from this but I just need to get it down.

Within the past year, OH and I have gone from holding down decent full time jobs, planning our wedding and looking to buy a house to both working part time hours (in the same place) cleaning and renting a tiny flat that's falling to bits. Our wedding day should have been last weekend and this week we can't even afford to do a food shop. We're living off freezer food my sister brought round and I'm terrified of opening bills. I signed on today.

When I was 21, during a particularly stressful time, I had to drop out of uni halfway through the year due to family circumstances and I suffered from extreme anxiety to the point where I couldn't leave the house or even my room sometimes, answer my phone or open my post. I was terrified but I don't know what of. My OH finally made me go to the doctors but I refused to go back and things finally got better as life did.

Recently with the way things are going I'm starting to feel the same again. I have to psych myself up for work the day before and I'm really struggling. Yesterday, I overheard some of my workmates describing my OH as lazy and up himself. I started shaking, feeling sick and couldn't catch my breath but I was really angry at the same time. I shut myself in a toilet cubicle until I calmed down and then came home.

I realise how stupid it sounds but it's really knocked me for six, I hate myself for not standing up for him. I've stayed in the flat today, ignored my phone and the doorbell when my friend came round, but I know I have to go to the jobcentre tomorrow and I feel awful about it already. My chest feels tight and I feel sick with nerves. I've got an interview on thursday in the sector that I was made redundant from, and I can't bear to think about it.

I feel numb and desperately hopeless with our situation but guilty at the same time. There are people in the same situation all over the country at the moment, so what is so wrong with me that I react this way?

I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted here, but I didn't know where to go.

There is nothing 'wrong' with you, except anxiety which you need and deserve help for.

It sounds like you have been through an extremely tough time and, together with your partner, are doing your best to keep things afloat. There is no shame in any of that. There is also no shame in finding things hard.

You are far from alone in feeling like this; there is help available, you need it (it seems to me) and you do not need to struggle alone. Many people are going through the same, unknown to those around them; I expect not many people see what you are suffering either.

Make an appointment with your GP. You need to look after yourself, especially when things are tough. With help, you will regain your resilience and confidence. Good luck.

Thank you for replying.

I'm really worried about going to my gp for a few reasons apart from being anxious about it.. I don't know what to say. How do I approach this when, as you say, not even my closest friends realise there's anything wrong. I dont know how to articulate it to anyone else.

Hi Mooshaboom. You've found the right place!

For the GP appointment - pop a pad of paper in your bag with your 'points' written on it.
So,

feel afraid, all the time, don't know what of
panic attacks, left work because of them
lots of change, redundancy, moving etc. (not to minimise the awful shitty time you've had, btw)

You probably won't even get it out of your bag to refer to, but you know it's there is you go blank or get stuck with what to stay.

And your GP will have seen all of this before. My GP had me breaking down and wailing for 5 minutes before I could compose myself enough to get out a proper sentence

Thanks standyourground I will try and ring the doctors in the morning and get it down on paper.

By the way I think I've worded myself badly, I've not left my job, this happened at the end of my shift. Still got to go in on Friday :( I've signed on because I'm hoping we may be able to access some help with us both only working part time.

Ive got a doctors appointment for next week with my own lovely gp which I'm working myself up for, does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this myself in the short term?

When I start to feel panicky or really down I have a playlist I put on with some music I find calming, I use some breathing exercises and I have a corner in the flat where I'm out of sight of the window or front door, i turn my phone off and just sit until the panic passes.

If there's anything that works for anyone else i'd really appreciate hearing about it because in struggling here.

I can tell you what helped me, I hope these work for you too!

Distraction - a funny film (adam sandler is particularly effective I find)
Coronation street - or any type of silly fluff to watch that doesn't require thinking too much. Avoid anything like eastenders at all costs - you'll end up even more panic-y than before!
Make sure you eat well and get as much sleep as you can
Stick to your usual routine as much as possible, this will make you feel more secure.
It may help to try a 'grounding' exercise - maybe spend time in your garden, or the park if you dont have one, or try this mental exercise:

sit on a chair, get comfy, close your eyes, breath deeply for a count of 3, (inhale for 3, exhale for 3). Feel your self relax. Feel the ground beneath your feet, take your shoes off beforeheand! imagine your feet growing roots which go deep underground, connecting you to the soil and rock and safety and solidness of the earth. Hold that feeling for a while. Open your eyes and feel 'anchored' to the earth wherever you go.

I know it sounds bonkers, but I have had huge anxiety ishoos and I've never found anything as effective for me as that exercise!

Thanks for those suggestions Standyourground, will definitely give the "grounding" one a go.

This week has been ok, I managed 3 hours in the job centre using breathing in for 3 and out for 3 when I started to feel panicky, and DP managed to come with me which was a relief.

Unfortunately, last night an extremely drunk man decided to use our drive as a carpark and kept knocking in the door to ask for cigarettes/a drink/ to use the toilet every half an hour or so, resulted in me having to call the non-emergency police number and being a quivering wreck for the rest of the night while DP was at work.

Still feeling a bit shaky and panicked at home alone tonight as he's been back this afternoon, but just have to keep reminding myself that the door is bolted. Not long til doctors appointment though, I'm just keeping going.

Take it day by day, or minute by minute if you have to - it will get better.