I suffer from terrible anxiety, some of it is brought about by financial difficulties so in some respects i am bound to feel anxious. However i just do not cope when things go wrong and i either close down or explode, mostly the latter. It is awful for those around me. Most if not every day i wake up scared - genuinely frightened, heart pounding, mind racing and i have to persuade myself that everything will be ok. It is worse on the days i have no plans (one of my major issues is not being able to find a job but my lack of confidence is holding me back and ruining everything).
This past couple of days however have been better, but its temporary - I have been to my voluntary job today and did well to get my head round a difficult technique, put a protocol together and do the experiment (results on thursday, fretting already!). Had a chat with some friends, and a laugh, generally one of the better days ive had in the past few weeks. Yesterday was good too, nice fathers day with DP and DD2. When i came home though, could feel the anxiety creep back.
I have just filled in some sort of online assesment which they wanted me to, and been as honest as i could - was worried that my problems wouldnt manifest as the questionaire was based on the last week, but actually was 
at the severity of some of the stuff and i was honest in my answers.
I am going on holiday this week too, so feel happy about that, although fretting and worrying about arrangements is affecting it and impacting on my family too.
I am not on ADs at the moment, my DP really doesn't want me to take them again and i agree with him. I need to get myself sorted out, get a job and stop feeling such a failure rather than turn into an AD zombie that i was before. I fluctuate between wanting them again, really wanting them to never wanting to touch the fuckin things again becaue i never felt scared every day before, but now i do.
I am not depressed, just scared and sometimes it paralyses me, sometimes all i can do is sit in my chair staring at the computor screen and not seeing anything. This is wrong, im an intelligent woman, i am a mother to two wonderful DDs, i have a lovely DP (but things are very rocky due to my issues) and the naughtiest dogs in the world who make me laugh all the time. I should be enjoying my life and all the good things in it, im too scared to do that - if i allow myself to be happy, that will make everything crumble, it will not only be a disaster for me but for everyone else. I need this to stop now.