Can't go on like this

[GracieLoo]

Please I need advice or just someone to listen. Been depressed for a long time, mainly since I had my LO three years ago. I seem to have got worse and worse. Took an overdose a year ago and ashamed to say I don't really regret it. That sounds awful and I really love LO but she deserves better.

I've been on 3 lots of ads, had psychotherapy, had lots of support from HV's but the most supportive one left and I find it really hard not being able to contact her now. I do now see a care co ordinator every week but I always cry and say the same thing. I feel a failure for not getting better, I try and be truthful. I work part time, am a single mum but everyone says I do a good job which I think is why no one can see how much I'm falling apart inside. I get so low and have lots of horrible thoughts. I think of LO but sometimes feel detached and so sad. I scared myself earlier by wanting to tighten something round my neck. I'm just tired of struggling. Sorry for going on. I don't know what to do.

I've just had a review, feel like giving up with the meds but I know I can't. I am trying but failing badly.

Can't get out of bed. So much I could be doing but the thought of even getting dressed is too much. I'm worse when LO isn't here as I have nothing to get up for.

The important thing to remember is you are not on your own, and there are places which can offer support along with professional help. Are you getting support from anyone or any where?

I had my son two years ago and suffered really badly with postnatal depression. You are certainly not on your own.

Rachael xx

I get support from my care co ordinator but only during work hours. I keep thinking I'm going to do something and I go through it my head but then anxiety takes over and I can't do it. Feeling so guilty for just lying here, hate it. Feel like the worlds carrying on without me. Panicking already about picking up my LO and that still 5 hours away! Been taking my meds, what's wrong with me? Just got this awful feeling of being on edge and I can't control it. Don't even feel like I'm making any sense, sorry.

im here too.No experience of what you are going through,but just wanted to offer my support.
I could be wrong,but if you want to stay in bed right now,you could couldnt you.Are you up to reading a newspaper or a book?
Have you eaten anything today, or had a cup of tea?
Take things one day at a time.

Hi Gracieloo, how are you feeling?

You're obviously not in a good place right now. I agree with amillionyears, if you're not at work and your DD is at nursery/school whatever, you've got nowhere to be, stay in bed if thats what you feel like doing! Rest.

If your GP diagnosed you with some long term chronic physical illness, you'd probably have no qualms about putting your feet up, resting, taking better care of yourself. It should be no different with mental illness... your mind, your brain is tired! For whatever reason, emotional stress, physical stress, not sleeping at night, not eating properly... life has caught up with you and you need to take it easy for a while. It's not a crime, there's no medals out there for carrying on regardless.

Keep sharing how you feel on here, especially if there's no one in RL you can freely talk about it with. If you feel like you're bringing up the same issues constantly with your care-coordinator, would it be worth keeping a diary, not writing huge amounts but keep a log of day to day difficulties and then you can show that to him/her?

Have you tried many different ADs? if you're not seeing a difference after 4-6 weeks then it's probably not the right one for you, theres so many out there but it could take a while to find the right one. I think you have to be a bit of a pest with regards to telling your GP or psychiatrist if a particular AD just isn't working.

Just read the replies, the review was with a psychiatrist, then I had another bad week and told care co ordinator who has managed to get me to change to venlafaxine, starting when I pick up the prescription. But I've read scary stuff about these meds but feel I have no choice really as tried 3 others and had therapy last year. Had a busy weekend as had LO, so had less time to think but kept getting so stressed and irritable, now knackered.

I did try to tell cc how I was feeling but not the ideas of putting a cord around my neck, too scared of the consequences but i know I'm being stupid.

Is it one of the stronger AD's?

I hope I start to feel different otherwise there's no way I can carry on like this, it's not fair on anyone, especially my daughter. It would mess her up growing up with a mum like me. I know I'm her mum and we love each other but surely she'd be better with her dad or nana who aren't mentally unstable!

Just waiting for HV to pop round, but I feel I'm going to clam up and not know what to say. I've seen her loads and I'm just being stupid, but I'm scared of people worrying about LO if I say certain things that I've been thinking. It's so hard, and I picked up venlafaxine yesterday but haven't started it yet. I've been to gym, had a shower and put washing on this morning but I still feel I'm not getting anything right and my life's a mess.

Gracieloo,sorry to here your finding things hard,how have things been this week??