Will this pass or do I need to seek help (again)?

[JustAPondering]

I've NC because RL people know my MN NN and I've not admitted this to anyone yet
To be fair if anyone who knows me reads this they'll know it's me but it won't be like they'd see if it they searched for my posts iyswim!

Ok, so I've got a history of anxiety and depression. I always had mood swings in my teens but didn't get proper depression til my early twenties. I've had anti-depressants and counselling - together and separately - when I've been bad before with good effect. I was doing ok til about 6 months ago (I'm 30 now) when we had a house fire. It was quite traumatic - we were at home at the time and were told we were lucky to get out. 3 months ago I started getting pain in my back and abdomen. Had a week in hospital while they tried to diagnose me - ?appendix, ?kidney stones, ?kidney infection. Never really got to the bottom of it, gave me antibiotics and hoped they'd help! Three months later I'm still in pain and I know it's having an affect on mood. I'm overweight but I was getting fit when I fell ill, running 3 times a week and going to a gym as well, now I'm struggling to walk!

My concern is this - I'm having intrusive thoughts. Odd ones about the idea of cutting myself (although I've never done it and never cut close), imagining I'll be hit by a car and thinking it would be a good thing - time off work and better pain relief?! I'm terrified of having another fire but I find myself thinking of we did, I really don't know hope I'd cope and it would be better if I died this time.

What I'm wondering is - do you reckon this will pass as I settle back in at home and get a diagnosis and treatment? Or is this a sign that I need help? I could get counselling through occy health at work. Any thoughts appreciated.

Had a bit of a think about this.You are in pain.I think that is the place so start.Is there a reason you didnt go back to the doctors? I should go back asap.Whenever I am in pain,everything else goes out of the window!
My thoughts can go silly,so I suggest you ignore them while in pain,easier said than done I know.
Then see if you need the counselling after that.
Sorry about the fire.That is a huge big deal to have happened to you.So glad you all got out ok.How long have you been back in the house.

Thanks for replying. I'm waiting for a specialist appointment for more investigations about the pain. No date yet which doesn't help. Also because it's not clear where the problem is, it's difficult to know who to refer me to. I have a feeling it'll be a while before they get to the root of things. Thinking about it, I think you're right. My pain has been getting gradually worse again. I've upped the codiene since Tuesday but that has taken a while to really kick in and does make me a but edgy. I think it's not so much about wanting to die - I love my family and friends and do think things will get better - it's just a way out of the pain if that makes sense? I met a lady once who overdosed on painkillers with chronic pain. She said she didn't want to die, she just couldn't stand the pain anymore, I can relate to that. I think it's a massive change as well. I can't drink alcohol or fizzy pop. I've had to pull out of a ball this weekend cos I'm not up to it. I guess it's a change of lifestyle and how I see myself .

We've been home about 10 days so its really early days! Still need to do lots of unpacking and sorting but it's really good to be back. DH is away this weekend which doesn't really help either. Before we met I happily slept alone, but i did live in a flat so I felt safe. Now I can't sleep without him! Especially since I'm in the house where we had the fire! I think I continue to underestimate the impact it's had on both of us.

I think I'll top up my painkillers tonight to get more comfortable and hopefully sleep better. I might take more time off work - I've been pushing on but I wonder if I'm overdoing it. My sickness record is terrible now anyway so what's a bit more time off?! I did have counselling for this last year about challenging invasive thoughts, I'll try to remember what I did for that. I may well self-refer to occy health.

That's for your input amillion it's helped me think things through.

A couple of relatives have suffered fires,but I dont have persoanal experience.And 10 days soulds like early days,especially since your DH is away.Like another relative of mine said, when her DH was in hospital, you can suddenly hear every noise and non noise that is going on.
The things you have said sound like a good idea.
Are you still seeing the GP.I would have thought he could suggest things while you wait for your specialist appointment.

i had a big house fire and i think it has really long term impacts. for a long time after,whenever I heard a siren, my legs would give way. I would say get the ball rolling for OH and go back to the docs about the pain, I have found with pain, if there is no obvious cause its just left, unless you keep making a fuss.

I get intrusive thoughts also, and often feel that death would be a blessing,(i have a condition that causes daily pain and is limits my life considerably- I also have bipolar) i am seeing a psych. maybe you should ask your GP for a referral and if it turns out things have settled down and you don't need it, thats fine, but its there if you need it as referrals can take time.

Also ask your GP about other pain relief options.
hope you settle in ok.sorry to hear you have been through all this.

Hi, thanks to both of you. I feel a lot more settled than I did earlier - not ridiculously cured but better for expressing it. Like a thought process of 'you'll probably be fine, but if you die, you die' rather than 'dying would be a blessing'.

My GPs see a different one each time are a bit clueless so only ever really offer me pain relief! Tonight I decided to take a small dose of the oramorph because I realise I am getting sleep deprived due to the pain. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they make me wheezy so my options are limited.

Monday I will ring occy health and the secretary for the consultant I'm going to be under to try to get firm appointments - being in limbo has definitely made me worse.

lona I've found few people have actually been through a house fire. I've shown people photos and they're shocked but I can't explain how bad it really was. The smell was horrific. It's helped that we rearranged the kitchen so the part that caught fire has gone. The house feels very different. I've just realised its a bit like a bereavement - I'm mourning the stuff we lost, the home we had, even the life we had before - it feels like everything has been tainted by it. I think it will help to get the house in more order - I've got time over the weekend to do a bit. Not sure how I feel about a psych referral....DH would struggle I think, he was a bit weird about me going for counselling but he knows it helps. I think I'll approach occ health first and speak to them about it.

Now I've triple checked everything is unplugged and doors are locked - that borders on obsessive but since it was a faulty electrical item that was plugged in I don't think that's unreasonable! I'm going to do a hypnosis cd and hopefully settle. I'll post again tomorrow to say how I'm doing. Thanks again :)

I cant imagine moving back into the house, i didn't move back in (privately rented and the LL served us notice after,despite it being his bloody fault) yes it is a huge,huge loss that takes a long time to 'get over' if we ever really get over it. i was always paranoid about house fires even before the fire, so was much worse after. Its the weird things like all the curtain tracks had melted, all the windows were smashed, everything was so...black! yet if I moved an item, underneath was clean! so odd! small touches like that which add to the overall trauma,plus the loss of all your stuff...that takes a lot of 'getting over.two times in my life I have lost everything i own except what i am wearing at the time. its hard to bounce back from. It is easy for people to say 'oh well at least you and the kids survived', yes that is a massive blessing, but its still traumatic to go through and to lose all your possessions.

In my case i had a strange sense to go and stay at my mums with the kids, despite the fact she had guests staying, and did not have space for us, and thats the night of the fire, which started in the kids bedroom and burned for many hours before anyone noticed, so the damage was throughout, as well as the water damage from the fire brigade. wierdly the smoke alarm was still beeping when the fire brigade went in, despite being all melted! Sorry I am babbling on about my experience, I just want you to know you are not alone, although I can't imagine what it must have been like to have to escape from the house, and then have to move back in.

I am limited in pain options as well, but there are alternatives to co codamol, ( i cant take ibuprofen or aspirin) which may have less side effects, i am on one called gabapentin, which is for nerve pain and does so much more than the codeine!

all the very best to you

Thanks lona. It's actually quite therapeutic to hear from someone rise who had a bad fire! Ours wasn't quite as bad because we were in. Fire alarm woke us, we found tonnes of smoke in the kitchen, realised we couldn't tackle it ourselves and walked out. Fire damage was limited to the kitchen but smoke damage affected everything. We had to get the kitchen and living room replastered, whole new kitchen, all new carpets. I reckon we lost half our stuff - carpets, curtains, pillows, mattresses, all our favourite clothes because they'd been washed and were drying in the kitchen! :( only the kitchen window had smashed but the living room ones were smoked damage so they had to be replaced. It was good watching it be ripped apart and all the smoke damaged stuff removed and replaced. We're keen DIYers though so a lot of what we'd done was effectively erased and there's less for DH to tackle. However there's still stuff to get done and the garden 's a jungle! :)
Initially we actually moved to my Dad's - he's only round the corner - and we were there for Christmas but we got put up in a rented house. It was ok but never felt like home. We had enough to live on, just. Had to run out and buy a bed when we got the keys! We waited a while to get the stuff back they'd cleaned. In a way, I'd got so used to the minimalist existence I was scared of getting it all back! But now we're home it's a good thing. It's nice to put things back in place where we can. My task for today is simply to put clothes in the wardrobe, I think that'll make it feels loads better.

Pain wise yes gabapentin is a good drug. They put me on codiene on the hospital with oramorph as top up. I cut out the oramorph after a week. I managed to stop codiene (no mean feat!) but need it again now. It does help - I guess they're not sure what to prescribe since they don't know what's wrong?! I'll see how I go over the next few days with that.

Hiya, just an update from today. I've been slightly better mentally - less pessimistic I guess. But tonight my pain had become really bad. Not sure if that's cos I pushed myself to walk a bit the last couple of days. Talked to DH - who comes back tomorrow :) - and he's made be call in sick for tomorrow and Tuesday. I just physically can't keep going. I've taken a full dose of my oramorph so hopefully the pain will ease enough to help me sleep but of its anything like last night I'll be up to pee three times in the night. I've realised from posting here I'm not doing myself any favours being at work while I'm like this. I'm not fully able to do my job so what's the point? I'll see what boss says - since it's 3 episodes with the same thing he might refer to occ health. I desperately need a diagnosis! I'll call the secretary tomorrow to push for an appointment date.

Pain can affect depression/anxiety and depression/anxiety can affect pain.

A few things that might help you a bit.

Recognise you have suffered a loss, you will grieve as a result.

Recognise it's been traumatic, this will take time to settle, 10 days isn't a lot of time.

Go to your GP if you need some help.

Read The Imp of the Mind. A good book that will help you understand why your head is throwing these thoughts at you!

Fight the negative thoughts with positive ones to try and combat the cycle of intrusive thoughts!

I slept much better despite an ongoing need to pee! with the strong painkillers. I'm glad I took the oramorph and the time off work.

cupcake I think you're right. It's something DH and I discussed last night. I told him I'd done this thread not full detail about the intrusive thoughts over the phone and that I think we almost expect too much of ourselves and we need to give ourselves a break.

We were meant to be youth leaders this academic year but with the fire and then my illness it never really got going. We asked to step d

(oops) ....we asked to step down last night which is a weight off our minds.

Right, I'm off to ring those secretaries! I'll have a look at that book on Amazon thanks :)

hiya just wondering how its going, sorry I havent replied before but i have been clearing my dads flat (he died 3 weeks ago) and its left me in a whole world of pain. Hope you are feeling more settled and getting that O.H referral. maybe you could take some annual leave as well?just a couple of days to give yourself some time, if not speak to your G.P maybe they can do a sick note for a couple of days, it sounds like your'e in a lot of pain and need a rest.

cupcake i think i will look up that book also, thanks.

all the best, feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything fire related

Hi,

I'm doing a bit better. I went for a massage yesterday which helped me hugely because it a. Chilled me out but b. she worked all the knots out of my lower back so I'm much more comfortable! I decided I was well enough to come back to work The problem is I've got stuff booked in and there's no cover for me. As soon as I came back I realised work is definitely dragging me down, I don't really want to be here. I've met with my boss a couple of times in the last few weeks and each time its been all about what he expects from me and nothing about what I need from him. I've got my return to work tomorrow do hopefully he'll take on board what's happened. I'm still in pain but it's tolerable and I slept better oust massage. Might have to make that a regular habit.

Good news is after chasing it on Monday, my hospital appointment has come through for this coming Monday! :) I don't expect much from it other than getting the ball rolling for more investigations but at least it's something.

I've considered taking time off, I still might. But I am doing better.

Hi,

I'm doing a bit better. I went for a massage yesterday which helped me hugely because it a. Chilled me out but b. she worked all the knots out of my lower back so I'm much more comfortable! I decided I was well enough to come back to work The problem is I've got stuff booked in and there's no cover for me. As soon as I came back I realised work is definitely dragging me down, I don't really want to be here. I've met with my boss a couple of times in the last few weeks and each time its been all about what he expects from me and nothing about what I need from him. I've got my return to work tomorrow do hopefully he'll take on board what's happened. I'm still in pain but it's tolerable and I slept better oust massage. Might have to make that a regular habit.

Good news is after chasing it on Monday, my hospital appointment has come through for this coming Monday! :) I don't expect much from it other than getting the ball rolling for more investigations but at least it's something.

I've considered taking time off, I still might. But I am doing better.

Glad to hear you are doing a bit better, I don't know what it is with these bosses. I was signed off for a month once, with shingles, and when I returned there was a months worth of work for me to do,plus my usual duties. needless to say I got shingles again, and the same thing happened. :( I left not long after.
hope the hospital appt goes well.

Time for an update. My pain is much more bearable at the moment. I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice which seems to be helping - which suggests it is urinary which is good seeing as my outpatient appointment is with urology!
I was meant to have a return to work with my boss on Thursday but he cancelled at the last minute. Nothing booked to do it any time soon Considering he never did one when I was off for 7 weeks I'm not massively impressed. Surely the point is to establish if it's ongoing which it is and to establish how I need to be supported? Anyway we're making progress with the house but somehow today I'm dwelling on what we've lost. I sorted through our paperwork before I put it back in the filing cabinet and came across all the manuals and receipts for all the white goods we lost. I've got PMS I think -AF due Tuesday which really doesn't help. We have been TTC for 2 1/2 years on top of everything else they discovered reversible fertility issues so we should be in the 'normal' range by now. I don't think I am pregnant and I just feel disappointed (again). It's crazy really, not been easy to dtd with all this pain but we managed and I feel like its been totally futile! Tell me things are going to get better please?!
Lona are you less paranoid about fire now? How long did it take before you weren't scared each time you came home or went to sleep the you'd have another fire?

hi how are you? sounds like you have so much on your plate right now, i do hope things will get better for you. I am better now, although i still get my legs giving way when i hear a siren. I still take a lot of precautions about portable heaters,(and any appliance,specially the tumble drier) luckily in this house we have central heating, so no need for them.

I think for me, things eased after about the first 6 months, although in that 6 months we lived in 4 different temporary accomodations and then into a new house, and of course I was on my own with the kids, so it was a stressful time. I think these things are different for everyone and I certainly wished I had sought some talking therapy, however I was so busy at that time that counselling may have just added to the stress.

all the very best, it sounds like you really need some luck right now,so sending what i can x