I dont get it I dont feel that ill but everyone is saying I am?

[crawling]

I dont sleep I lie awake for hours scared of the day I die it feels like time is passing so quickly and soon it will be all over, I cant sleep, all I see and feel is the pain in this world all the poor abused children all the kids who die and even if I get through life without my biggest fear happening that my kids will be badly harmed then I will die some painfull horrid death and leave them alone. I have so many nice things in life yet I feel no joy when I look at them its like someone took away my ability to feel anything good.

I lay awake and the thoughts of all the children who are being horribly abused and torturted torment me I hear them crying and Iwonder how scared them must be how they get through the day, it shakes my religion to see them locked in child brothels for how could my could feel a God any God allow this. I want to scream at him to save them. But I know the truth he was never listening. I have not bathed in weeks and my head itches so badly. I get up I do the bare minimum to get through. Why cant I see the good things anymore? Why is self harm wrong if it gets me through the day? The other day I could feel a blood clott in my leg I coultd feel it burning and I knew it would kill me but if I went to the hospital they would admit me so I reached down and felt my leg and I could feel the lump under the skin moving so I thought I could cut it out but my partner would be home soon and he would get me admitted if he catches me.

Too late hes home he wont let me cut it out I will die if I dont, I try to eat but all I see are slugs crawling over my plate how can I eat that and when the CPNs come I put on my happy face because I want to be well and maybe if I pretend long enough it will make it true, plus they wont believe me anyway and they have people who need and deserve help so much more than me, ot when I cant even cry but how can I be that depressed when I cant shed a single tear? I have started medication now on the advice of my partner and two CPNs but I tell myself to snap out of it why doesnt it work? why cant I stop being so useless?

You sound very very unwell and clearly the mask is not working as other people can see through it, so you may as well drop the mask, get the help you really need and really get well again. You sound like you are having some touches of psychosis and hallucinations too.

You are as useless as you would be with a broken leg ie it's not your fault that you cannot do everything you normally would.

Thank you madmouse I read your thread and I am very grateful you took the time to reply to me when you yourself are struggeling right now. I do experience pychosis they think I have bipolar disorder, but when I am well it seems so silly to think I may have a mental illness because I am such a together strong person, and when I am ill I keep thinking I am not that ill and I dont want it to be true so I hide and dont go out I havent been out in a long time and I try to make excuses. When my mood goes the other way well I dont seem to care about anything at all.