I'm too broken and I dont think I can be fixed anymore

[rhksmum]

I want to end it all so badly but my kids are here and I cant,
I cant cope with these feelings anymore, they are so loud and wont go away.

I have an operation on my shoulder in 2 weeks and I'm terrified, I have to see the Neuro-surgeon the day before for my headaches and I have to go myself as there is no one to go with me.

Saw the psychiatrist on monday who was going to increase my Lithium but then phoned yesterday to say he had changed his mind but someone would see me in September.

Tried to speak to the duty worker yesterday which was hard enough as I struggle with the phone and she was off sick so they eventually 2 hours later found someone else, who told me to phone my cpn and psychologist today.
Went to get my weekly meds medication yesterday and my co-codamol was in, normally my dr only gives me 16 at a time as I'm seen as a risk, but it was a different dr that prescribed them and they gave me 100, it felt like all my christmases had come at once, but then the pharmacist took them off me and re issued 20, told me they would dispense them weekly.

Couldn't get a hold of cpn or pyschologist today, lost the plot with my oldest son and told him not to come home, smashed a few dishes and now I'm sat in tears. Its all a mess and I cant fix it.

I have the social worker coming tomorrow because my cpn told her things I had said and they want to come and talk to me.
I shouldn't be here, I dont want to be here but I am.
I'm sorry

You should be here and you don't need to be sorry.

Stop letting the voices from your past tell you that you shouldn't be here.

I'll be on fb tonight if you wanna chat. And you're no bother, never are.

xxxx

I'm here for you too, and you will get through this and feel more positive eventually. I do appreciate that it's really hard for you. Take care, and chat later if you want to xx

I've had depression in the past so I kind of know how you feel but then again it wasn't on the scale you're talking about so actually I have no idea how you feel. What I can say is that my SIL had multiple personality disorder, self harmed and was admitted to physc hospital for 3 months, it took her a very long time to get better but she did it because she had support from her family, cpn ect were hopeless. Now the sad part. My MIL had bioplar for years and on the day her first child was born (my DH) she went into phsyc hospital because she didn't know who he was. She got better but she spent 21 years going in and out of hospital, she had two marriages, both broke up. I met her 6 months before she died, she was the most wonderful person, but so so so sad. I tried so hard to help her get better, used to sit up half the night talking to her, we took her to hospital at 3am once to get her admitted because she wanted to just die. She used to say this to her children (my DH and SIL) all the time too and they got used to it I suppose but it was never easy for them. Two weeks before she died she asked us to take her into hospital as she couldn't look after herself anymore, the hospital wouldn't take her as SIL was in there at the time. So a few days later she was admitted to a different hospital, but she walked out. SIL was around this time leaving hospital as she was much better and we managed to talk MIL into going back to hospital and she was moved into the one that SIL had just come out of. MIL wanted to get better but she was in such a bad place and just found everything so hard. I remember the day that DH phoned me to say she'd gone missing. I rolled my eyes thinking something else and I can't tell you the guilt that I feel for that now, because she never came back. She walked out of the hospital (dosed up to the eyeballs because they had her on the wrong meds) and she fell into a ditch and drowned, it took 5 days to find her. People had been trying to help her for 21 years but no one could help her, she needed to help herself and find her reason for living.

You need to find your reason for living. Your children. You. You can be happy but you have to keep trying. I don't quite believe in all of the pysc stuff, the cpn's etc etc, I've seen it fail and I think that sometimes they do more harm than good. Although I'm sure there are plenty of cases where they do do good. But please keep thinking of your children. My SIL and DH miss their mum every day and our DD will never know her. I honestly think that if we'd had DD sooner she would still be here. I can promise you that no matter how many fights you have with your children they love you and they think you are the best thing in the whole world. You don't ever get over the loss of a loved one like your mum and I hate the thought that if you take your life you would be missing out on so many happy times. There really could be so many happy times, it might not be right now and it might not be for a while but if you try then they will be there.

Try and do one happy thing each day. Sit and read a book. Go for a walk. Sit under a tree in the sun. Just do one thing each day that makes everything seem a little less terrible.