Hi Redline,
I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I may not be going through the same things as you but have experienced a lot of pain, heartache, health problems, depression, you name it.
Firstly, you are being really hard on yourself. The main point is, you love your child and want your child in your life. Let your ex continue being a spiteful cow! It will backfire on her eventually.
From now on, make notes of anything she says or does. If you have parental responsibilty, I am pretty sure she can't change your childs name and even if she does, she will probably do it by deed pole, which means nothing!
You are torturing yourself, metally and pyhsically. I have been there but please believe me, this bad and dark episode will pass.
I suffer with a lot of pain, back and knee pain, migraines and I am on a lot of medication. But I cannot change anything. I have come to accept that this is how my life is going to be. My pain will not get better, it will worsen. I was very angry and bitter, mainly for being unable to do most things mums or dads can do with their kids. It sucks big time but like I said, try and accept what has happened to you and try and find other ways of distracting yourself from the pain. Ten years on and I am finally able to say this is how my life will be.
Explore different things that you haven't tried before or done. easier said than done but you have nothing to loose.
Go and see your GP. Ask if you can have CBT. the therapy may not work the first time, second time or third time but don't give up! Keep trying so in the end, you can prove your critics wrong and say, you tried and you will see there are things out there that will help, even though it doesn't seem that way now.
I know you said you can't move but even if you are still in the same area, I would definately recommend you move. Even if it is a one bedroom flat, the bedroom can be for your child and you can have a sofa bed... Believe me when you move, you will change, you will be happier and you will be able to release all the bad energy.
You are stuck in your home, which is full of memories. Sometimes, you have to say, it is time to let go, however hard it may be. Make that your goal. It could take 6 months or a year to move. In the mean time, change the stuff in your home. Give your furniture to charity, look on freecycle and replace the furniture. Change your style to something new.
When you are stuck in a rut, it is very, very hard to let go. For some it is very easy, just like that but for us, it takes a long time. When I moved, which was recently, I started from scaratch. It was hard as hell, not having a bed, cooker, basic stuff but you get by. before I moved, I lived with all the stuff I had and that reminded me of my sons dad. It was so negative and dragging me down. But one day, I just started getting rid of everything. I gave clothes, shoes, kitchen stuff to charity. I shopped in second hand shops and changed the way I looked.
Try and write to your lady friend. Take your time. If you have made a mistake, learn from it and try and not do it again. If you really love this lady friend, then go after her, without coming across as a stalker lol. At least then you know in your heart, you tried. If it doesn't work, her loss. There will be more women that you will meet. Just don't rush it.
If you know where your ex lives, send your child nice letters, cards ect. Send it recorded delivery. i will tell you why. I grew up without my dad. I was 8 when they split up. I saw my dad for a while, then all contact stopped. Both parents are to blame. I was a messed up teenager. When I was 18, i searched for my dad and found him. He had a new wife, a son. He said he looked for me. That was a lie as he knew where I was. I got no phone calls, no birthday or xmas cards. He bad mouthed my mum and I defended her. Despite her mistakes, my mum raised me. My dad should of fought for me.
When I was pregnant to my son, I had already split up with his dad due to domestic violence. I told him despite what he had done, I wanted him to be a dad as I didn't want my son going through what I did. My ex was a waste of space. he was in and out of my sons life for several years. When it suited him. When he had a new girlfriend, he would dissapear, as he did at xmas and his birthdays. History repeated itself.
I always told my ex. Fight for your child, no matter what. Send cards, letters, have proof, so that child knows they were loved and thought about.
So now Mr, get some pen and paper and make a list of your goals. I found this very hard. I tried on and off for years. nothing motivated me. But I had to change my way of thinking and deal with my mental health as well as other health problems. In the early stages, i was ready to end my life. yes despite having a child, selfish I know. But now, even though I have the worse, darkest and horrendous bouts of depression, I put on a brave face. I want my son to have a happy childhood.
Live for the fact that you will get your son. Don't let the witch take him away from you. Stand your ground, what ever you have to do. Get advice from as many professionals as you can. Keep going on and on and don't give up!