Please be gentle with me - I'm feel like I'm losing control

[cupcakelover1983]

Ive suffered from depression and anxiety in the past mostly fuelled by low self esteem and confidence issues stemming from being bullied at school. I have a DS who is 22 months old and is a handful. I have been ads for about 6 months but I feel like I'm losing control of myself again.

I have lots of issues that ate affecting my mood at the moment.

1. My DS prefers my DP to me. This has had a terrible effect on me due to previous rejection and bullying. It is ruining my relationship with my son and I am very anxious about this.

1. I am around 6 stone overweight and I am finding it difficult to find the motivation and time to do anything about it. I have successfully lost weigt before but I just can seem to fix it this time.

1. I find my work environment very stressful due to a boss who doesn't rate me. I find this difficult to deal with because throughout university and school I was an extremely high flyer and now my boss has taken away all my confidence and I now feel that I won't deserve

Another job.

1. I feel stuck in a rut as all my friend my age are being promoted and because of the issue above I feel I cannot apply for a promotion.

1. I have scratching the skin on my wrists and hands until they bleed. My DP thinks this is a form of self harming.

1. I have terrible insomnia because I am so anxious all the time. I am currently on the sofa while my DP and DS are upstairs in bed. My DS kept kicking me in the head whenever I touched him to try to cuddle him so I gave up.

My DP and I haven't had sex since our DS was born. He would like to have sex but I can bring myself to do it because I hate my body so much.

I'm sorry for such a rambling post - I'm just lost.

Wow that's a lot of negative feelings, no wonder you feel so lost. What is happening other than ADs? Because ADs won't fix this. You need to go back to your GP and ask for therapy. And personally, although no expert, I would say psychotherapy to deal with the rejection issues.

But you also need to do your best to help yourself. Join moodgym online and start working through some of that. Get out for a little walk most days. If you can't control the crap you're eating make sure you get your 5 a day as well as this will actually help your mood.

Everyone has good and bad sides, your bad sides are no worse than others'. All normal healthy toddlers experiment with relationships and attachment and will prefer one or the other for a while, particularly they will push away the one who does most of the day to day stuff.

Thank you for your reply! I'm feeling a bit better today - things always seem worse in the middle of the night. I will make an appointment to see my gp because I'm not sure how to progress.

Thanks again for your advice

I have the relationship anxiety thing with DD. it's horrible. Really horrible - especially when you just want to enjoy them. I worry she doesn't love me - prefers DH, nana etc etc. just wanted to let you know you weren't the only one. Rationally I know this is silly but I can't help it!

Not sure how I can help, just wanted to add my support and say that I feel for you, and wish you well. You seem really hard on yourself, how about congratulating yourself for being a working mum whilst looking after a 22 month old and keeping a relationship going, something to be very proud of, not to mention you are doing all of this whilst suffering from anxiety and depression WOW!

Nice message Mumcity :) I agree

good point mumcity

I just popped back here and I'm really touched by the messages of support. I'm going to go back to the doctor this week to see about some help. My DS has when much more affectionate towards me over the past few days so I am feeling a bit better about that. I just need to take one day at a time. He's not sleepin well at the moment so I'm just taking it quite easy. Thanks again for all you messages

Yes, despite your anxiety and depression, it sounds like you're doing a marvellous job of holding down work and looking after a toddler. And the bit where you are comparing yourself to your friends, being promoted and such, that also sounds to me like you still have lots of drive and ambition which is a positive thing.

Your DS's 'preference' to your DH, take it with the tiniest pinch of salt honestly. Kids are so fickle at that age and he is absolutely not rejecting you... really do not overthink it. Maybe having a one on one activity that you could consistently share every week, like you take him swimming every sat afternoon or a trip to the library/park, something simple... but no daddy allowed! That's what helped my DP foster a better relationship with our DS as he's too mummy orientated, my DD on the other hand is 100% daddy's girl.

You just cannot take it personally. I study psychology, I'm far from being an expert but I do know that a child's frontal lobes, a very important part of the brain that is responsible for empathy and how we behave socially, our sense of right and wrong, is not fully established until 18yrs old! That's why children/teens can be so horrible to their parents and each other, totally self-centred at times... they're still learning, and your 22 month old is at the very beginning of that journey.