I have no confidence and no real friends

[teaorcoffee]

Can anyone advise me. Is this a symptom of depression? I find social situations difficult, but I'm tryig to get out and meet new people. I just seem to keep my distance as I fear rejection and I don't want to smother people. In bed at night I replay conversations etc and sometimes end up in tears. I really don't like myself, but I need to sort this out for my kids' sake. Please help.

Keep trying. Your own worst enemy is yourself. Other people are not analysing every thing you say, but you are. It took me a year of going to toddler groups and NCT groups and so on to make friends. When I first posted on Mumsnet it was something similar to yours, I had my first baby, I was in a new area and I was recovering from bad depression. I went to all the tots groups I could find but I never really fitted in, I didn't know all the nursery rhymes they sang, I didn't want to do the actions to bloody 'Wheels on the Bus'! I had no idea what a 'real' nappy was. I felt too scared to open my mouth in case something stupid came out, which it usually did!

I even offered to hold some NCT groups at my house, but no-one turned up. I did this twice! I then gave up and fell into another depression, but one day I bucked myself up and thought, "this is me, they can either like me or lump me" and I went back to the same tots groups and the same NCT groups, I put my name down again for hosting some groups. Slowly people began to open up to me, or vice versa actually! They came to my house, I began to make friends!

I really do think that it was my 'don't care less' attitude that won them over. Before I probably came across as either trying too hard or standoffish. The more confident me didn't mind making a fool of myself, I would laugh at myself constantly and I never sat talking to just the one person too long, I circulated.

Keep trying and just be happy with who you are, your kids love you as you are!

Thanks Rhubarb. What do you mean open up to people. I have tried being friendly. I asked a woman I chatted with before how she was and she asked me where she knew me from. I also smile at people, but there is one woman who never smiles back. Sometimes I just feel totally out of my depth. I want to be a nice person and I genuinely care about others, but I just feel self centred.

For all the people you smile at there will always be someone who doesn't smile back but think of all the people who were waiting for someone to smile at them. You made their day.

Keep trying. Try to relax, ask about people's kids - that always starts a conversation. Be yourself and don't be put off by the people who don't respond. Keep trying and don't dwell on the day too much, just look forward to the next one.

Thanks kBear, you all make it sound so easy. How do you gain confidence?

Those early years are so tough, especially if you, like me, have never been good at "small talk". It feels like swimming through quicksand as you try and make headway, everyone else seems to know people, be confident. It does get easier, for me my eldest starting school has been brilliant.

Ideas, when you talk to someone try and remember something about them - are they going on holiday, next time you speak to them ask them how there holiday was! Everyone likes talking about themselves.

Volunteer to help do something for the playgroup etc.. - find the organiser and offer to help making coffee etc.. I find having a role and a reason for being there so much easier.

I have just been on the committee for an event that we are holding tomorrow night. It has been brilliant, great fun, met some really nice people and have "arrived" in the playground.

Good luck, its a jungle out there in the world of mum and toddlers.

How do you gain confidence?

I suppose, just like our kids, you try new things - small things that are achievable. For our toddlers, its letting them climb onto the climbing frame without holding them, leaving our 4 year old at their first birthday party.

For us, trying a new toddler group until we find one with some good toys and a few people who will smile at you!! Maybe, signing up to a local evening class or exercise class - it gives you a life outside kids and something to talk about in your new toddler group. Remembering that an unfriendly face is nothing about you, how can they judge you they don't know you. Maybe, they are as scared as you and think you always seem so in control or they have had a row with their partner or they don't know how they are going to pay the car insurance. For every person you talk to, 2 out of 3 is going to be a dead end - but that leads 1 out of 3 who you can talk to and if you are lucky become friends with.

Thanks klauz33. How much should you give away about yourself? I feel that if people know I have no friends this will put them off.

Thanks klauz33. How much should you give away about yourself? I feel that if people know I have no friends this will put them off.

Unfortunately, most people are scared by people who are to "needy" - they want to be friends with attractive, confident people with a big social life. So you definitely don't want to make a big issue of your present lack of friends. Also, don't expect to much of people to soon - you are not going to walk into instant friendships. When we are young we get drunk, take drugs, go dancing together, have traumas, fall in and out of love. All these things bring us together and we build lasting friendships. Of course the friendships don't last.

Start small - someone whose name your know, someone who says hello, someone who knows the name of your kids, someone who you can invite for a cup of coffee in town. And, as you tick these boxes - look for the next person and go through the whole process again and again and again.

Don't make your loneliness and unhappiness the whole point of your conversations. If you can't keep it in, ask them loads of questions.

But seriously, I think that confidence makes us attractive so you need to deal with your confidence. I don't know your personal circumstances, but is there anything that you can do for yourself - like a course, exercise, weight loss etc... Give yourself an aim and a goal.

I know what you're saying and I do try to pretend I'm confident. But someone recently asked me about my friends and I just talked about people I used to know as I wanted to appear'normal'.

I know what you're saying and I do try to pretend I'm confident. But someone recently asked me about my friends and I just talked about people I used to know as I wanted to appear'normal'.

sorry!

Don't say you have no friends or they will wonder why!! I agree that getting yourself involved will get you "known" and that will increase your popularity. Help out, offer the biscuits round at toddler group and say hello to everyone and their children and soon people will respond.

Don't expect to make soul mates but you never know you might find one.

Don't be afraid to mention meeting for coffee (like a MN meetup), say, "how about we all meet in the soft play place on Wednesday at 10" and see what happens. Or when the weather improves organise a picnic in the park, tell everyone where and when and what to bring.

Take a deep breath and go for it! Good luck.

Didn't sleep well last night. I feel like a total weirdo.I just don't think I'm a nice person as I'm so self concious. Someone who usually says hello didn't and I wonder why. Didn't sit with people I know as I don't want to appear clingy.

do you have anything like toddler swimming/baby massage/library story time running near you (not sure how old your kids are, apologies if it's an inappropriate suggestion) - I find it easy to go to a structured activity, as it provides a ready made focus for conversation iyswim?

Teaorcoffee, you are not alone. I don't know how I would describe myself, but I was, until recently, known on this site as Lonelymum which was a pretty apt description.

At least your name is nice and positive, suggesting that you would be at home entertaining people. I cringe from the idea of having people to my home as I worry about not even being aboe to make them a decent cup of something to drink.

Able

What a lovely thing to say- that has cheered me up a bit. Have you made any new friends?

Err, do you really want to hear the answer to that?

What I really need I think is advice on how to be normal. I feel so pathetic.

Firstly, I think you just need to go out into lots of social situations and be seen there regularly (eg go to a toddler group and make yourself go every week even if you don't really enjoy it at first).

Secondly you need to abandon all sense of self consciousness. Don't think about possible rejection, don't think about whether you are saying the right thing, just go into the situation being yourself, as natural as you can be and some people will inevitably like you and some will inevitably not like you - that's life.

Thirdly, try to ask people about themselves and limit the amount you say about yourself if you are worried that you talk about yourself too much. You say you care about other people - allow that to show through.

Fourthly, don't expect to meet bosom pals on day one. You might not make any bosom pals to begin with, or you might meet someone who becomes a bosom pal but only after you have gone through years of mundane meetings first.

Fifthly, learn to like and respect who you are. Be proud of who you are and what you have done. This will help your self confidence and will also help other people to like you. But bear in mind, not everyone will like you- you are not after universal popularity, just finding a group of people who like you and who you like too.

HTH

don't give yourself grief about not being "normal" - that will make you feel even worse about yourself.

looking at the number of posters that post on here about being lonely/finding M & T groups tortuous, there's bound to be at least one mum at each group that feels a bit wobbly/insecure however well they seem to be hiding it.

i do identify with how you feel about finding social situations difficult: the main ways I deal with that are
1)going to activity type groups, as the activity can be an ice breaker
2)going to internet meet-ups, meeting up with people I have spoken to on MSN that I have met from here

Aha! I wondered who you were Dumbledoresgirl!

What gave me away?

Saying my name earlier on in the thread, or knowing reams about loneliness?!

How old are your children teaorcoffee? Do you have a partner or parent who could maybe accompany you to something? My mum used to come to toddler groups and talk to the other Nans! That might help.