Fed up with my fucked up life and sometimes I just want out tbh.

[toptramp]

I have posted before.

Had a breakdown about 10 years ago prompted by abusive partner. Diagnosis hypermanic episode. Afterwards I managed to get back on my feet but this was aided by vast quantities of alchohol and partying rather than facing up to things.

In the mean time I continue to make shite life decisions especially when it comes to love. I have ended up as a single mum and my ex is in Iran. (Don't ask) I am no longer into him but I feel so much pain when I am surrounded by these mums with supportive, rich husbands, agas and three holidays a year. I feel like a social outcast.

I feel like a complete failure. This isn't help that I didn't get a job that I desperately wanted and needed last week. I think the worst thing is that I know that I am in my current situation because of MY choices. I don't understand my decision making processes and I feel that I must be a very fucked up individual to make such bizarre choices.

In short I feel ashamed, I also feel that humans are awful and horrible and pick out the weaknesses in me all the time. I don't feel like my friends are on my side sometimes (mabe paranoia) and I feel like I have many weak spots for people to pick on. I feel vulnerable and unlovable. I feel that I fucked up my life a long time ago and thta the scars will never heal. I love my dd so much but at the same time I hate being a single mum and I hate the fact I chose such an awful dad for her. (Her dad wanted me to abort) so I feel that noone wants to breed with me anyway.

My mum died of cancer last year and I ma grieving her. Plus she had a despeartely sad life and I don't want the same.

I am not quite suicidal but I don't want another 20 years of feeling like this. I am on 10mg citralopram and really need to up mu dose. I think I may have borderline personality disorder and hope to talk to doc next week.

didnt want to read amd run without at least offerng you a hug
im a single mum,not the end of the world and your darling dd is far better off with one loving parents than two who are unhappy.my eldests dad is an absolute arse but sometimes we fall in love when we are vulnerable and dont see things objectively
i hope your doctor ups your meds and maybe offers you an appointment withMH team for assessment?
you are much stronger than you imagine and perspective is the name of the game-half empty or half full
im only just learning the importance of noting even the smallest pleasures in life.surprisingly after doing that for a whhile it doesnt seem all bad after all
ih have to go.one my brood is squawking,if i dont manage to get back today,i will pop in tomorrow and see how you are doing.x

Hi there,

Thanks for the response. I don't think it's even the single bit; it's the lifestyle that goes with it and the feeling of being unsupported and not looked after. It's the feeling that everyone else is going on their glossy family hols in southern France and I am struggling to pay the rent.

I can understand you feeling envious of other people going on holiday.I dont go on holiday as much as other people,but that is for different reasons to yours.If you are continually surrounded by people with more money than you,it is understandable to be hacked off.
I can tell you are not unlovable by a long way.You have a Dd who loves you,and my guess is that your friends genuinely do too.
You are grieving for your mum which is hard.And takes time to work through.Are you able to visit her grave from time to time?
Glad you are going to see the GP.
Starting with your life from today,what sort of things could help you.Self help books? [and I realise you and I are also on a different thread at the moment].
You seem to me to be analysing what has happened in your life up to now,and I think that is a good thing.My guess is that the newer you already would not do some of the things that seem to have hurt you in the past.

Toptramp I think we discussed you having bpd on another thread and most people felt you probably didn't have it.

Do you recognise any of this? cPTSD

Hi all. Thanks for your kind support. I am better today. Up and down or what?
I might have the post traumatic thing. Will talk to doc. Oh well. At least I feel able to cope a bit better. I just want to feel at peace and generous; less bitter as I am horribly bitter at times; it isn't nice.

sorry i neer got back to you yesterday-joys sngle parenting in a crisis
glad things were a bit brighter.hope you stil"up" today