dont know how to fix me

[AnotherLoad]

I looked on this section to read some post to see if any one had similar behaviour. came across one that described exactly how i was feeling.

myself & posters say it sounds like depression, not sure if it sparked from DD birth (22mth)

other then making sure the kids are fed, cleaned and house is tidy and safe i have no interest in any thing. i have no self esteem no confidence, dont feel like i need to go out, no sex drive, no go. i can feel ok one day and see people i know in the street and have a chat but i can get home and fall back into this 'nothing' feeling? cant quite figure how im feeling. isolated and lonely dont feel right words when i have 3dc's!

i did have dp but told him to go on tues because i feel messed up! he has a cery active social life and i felt i was trapping him so ended it, altho i miss him loads :( think its just a break i need???

any way i was all prepared to go docs to talk about it all. i text a friend who i only speak to around 4 times a yr by phone (lives far from me) to ask how she felt when she went on AD's, just a bit of support really. she asked why i feel i need AD's so text & explained....

she said im just going thro a bad patch and beating myself up making myself suffer other then taking positives and putting into action? also that im stuck in a rut routine that i need to go out more to not fear going out, that if i had more sex my libido will come back etc.

now im even more confused! maybe im not depressed and all whats wrong is my own doing? maybe its all in my head? thing is i aint got no where to go, no bond with parents, no relatives, ONE elderly friend who i try not to bother, i go toddler group once a wk but that took me until Dd was 18mths before i plucked courage.

find it hard to make friends, i did make 2 friends but after short while cut me off. dont know what i done, maybe my dull personality bored them into bolting!!!!

really dont know whats wrong with me, im so down and feeling like im just existing, dont like my life at all :( and if i never woke up again i wouldnt be a bad thing!

Hi AnotherLoad,

How are you today?

Do you still have much contact with your mum? She sounds incredibly toxic and she is clearly refusing to accept any responsibility for what happened to you but it is important to remember that you were a child and absolutely NOTHING that happened was your fault xx

hi tramadol

feeling ok thankyou.

your going to shoot me down, but yes i do have contact with her. not because i want to, cant expalin the how i feel? I dont go to visit for sake of it, its usually an occasion like my little sis birthday back in may. i dread going round there, i dont phone because im bored or feel like having a chat, or tell her the dc's achievements because she doesnt care. she messes with my head! she shows no love towards the dc's yet every pregnancy she's asked to be at the birth, hung around for acouple of weeks after then drops back out the picture and off i go again. thinking we are bonding but obviously not?? i know i must sound so stupid.

i know the obvious thing to do is tell her how i feel then say i never want to see you again. but i get down just at the tought of telling her, i dont know why but i just cant handle upsetting people so i keep it all in, pretending every things ok.
she had exact same relation with her mum (nan) not foster care but no love etc. when nan died, i asked if she was going to the funeral. she replied ''only to make sure its her in the box!'' :( i felt so sad thats how she felt. so in a way i cant/shouldnt say bad stuff as i would never like to think any of my dc's talking of me like that :( im so confused.

i know your probably thinking, you stupid girl its your own fault for letting this woman do it!
ive just been holding out all these yrs for her to love me, i had DS1 when i was 19 thinking she might love me if i gave her a grandchild - having some thing (a child) in common, and was a bit stubborn in thinking i can do a better job then her!!

i understand if you now think im not worth the time as its all my own doing.

Oh AL please please stop beating yourself up and you are most definitely worth listening to, although I know that feeling worthless is a symptom of depression. And NO I didn't think you were being nosey about my past. I think it's important on these threads that we share honestly with each other. Re the psych nurses - well they were nursing assts actually who were on the ward, the staff nurses were always in the office. It wasn't like a hospital ward, everyone had their own bedroom and there was a nice little garden to sit in.

You certainly had a rotten time as a child, and even though you knew why you were being moved, you would I'm sure be worrying about what your mom and SD would be thinking because of you telling the teachers. Lots of kids feel like this and it is heart breaking, because they are between a rock and a hard place really (quite literally)

It does sound like your SD was ill treating you though. I imagine that the sws would have gone to see your mom and SD after yu had told the teachers, and they would have been angry - almost all parents are when confronted with this - and I'm sure your SD would be denying it all, saying you were just telling lies for attention or something, probably backed up by your mother, as it doesn't seemed like she protected you from your SDs ill treatment.

But how dreadful to be treated like you were in a foster home - unbelievable - I can honestly say in 30 years I have never known foster carers that bad. Have met lots of "not good enough ones" and we've moved the child. Oh yes I can remember one family who had 2 children on respite care for the weekend about 7 and 8 and they sent them into the town (40 minute walk) with no money and told them not to come back till teatime. The children were found crying in the town centre and were taken to the police who got the emergency duty team involved and the children were removed that night by social workers from the team and we de-registered the "carers" but in the main foster carers are usualy very kind people.

Sadly you have spent your life looking for something your mother was not able to give you - love. And I think the reason is clear and it is something you mention in your post "that your mom had no love from her mom. We usualy parent our children the way we were parented and can only love and care for our children if we have received that, and your mom didn't and that's why she can't love you, because she is probably stuck at an emotiona age of about 10 or something like that. The important thing is that you have broken the cycle - you didn't get love or care but you are able to love and care for your own children. I don't think you realise how important that is - you must be a special person, and NO don't you dare tell me you aren't!

Why would someone "shoot you down" for still having contact with your mom - all families are complicated in one way or another. She is you mom when all's said and done. I think the thing is that you need to stop hoping that one day your mom is going to love you and be a kind supportive mother because she isn't. I think once yu accept that, you will feel better about the contact with her. YOU are much the bigger person than her. You love your children - you can't give your children any greater gift because they in turn will love their children. That's the way it works.

In 30 years of social work I have never met an abusive/neglectful parent who was not abused/neglected themselves as children. Well the excpetion would be that the mom was afraid to stand up to the dad or SD. Can I ask if your SD was still at home when you were returned back. Social workers certainly didn't get it right in your case - you were being emotionally and physically abused. See the other thing is parents who have abused or neglected their children have to make themselves believe that it wasn't their fault, and strangely they rarely ime blame their own parents, they blame the kids for telling someone, and that is exactly what your mother has done, and sorry to say she will cling on to that till the day she dies. It's the only way she knows how to cope.

You mention ADs won't get rid of your childhood but they may help with the symptoms of the depression you are experiencing (if that is what you are experiencing). It certainly isn't stupid that you still think of bad things that happened to you as a child. Anyone would be the same. It doesn't just disappear into the clouds once you are an adult, traumas that we had in childhood follow us into adulthood. Look love your self esteem is very low and that's not surprising at all, if yo are treated like you are worthless, that's how you see yourself. BUT you must do 2 things 1) Remember that you have broken the chain on unloving mothers - you are able to give your children what you never had - very rare and remarkable. 2) Go to the GP and describe how you are feeling (write it down) or if you like I will make a list for yo and you can copy it and give it to him.

There is no easy answer to coming to terms with your childhood I'm afraid. It will take many sessions with a good therapist and they are not cheap £40 - £50 an hour. You need to bring out all the trauma of the past that is buried inside you, and let it see the light of day and then over time with help you can sometimes make it more manageable, but it won't ever go away entirely because our childhoods are so important. Your reward will come when you see your kids being loving parents to their own children!

Sorry very long..........take care and you are a worthy person, and you need to get that dp back in your life and talk to him about what's going on for you and maybe get him to talk about his childhood, and see how he can help and support you at this really bad time.

Love NNx

Hiya, glad you are feeling Ok x

NanaNina is speaking a lot of sense.

I definitely won't be shooting you down and you are not stupid, please don't beat yourself up, you sound lovely and very brave. I understand how complicated and difficult it can be to have any sort of relationship with an abusive parent, I have a similar relationship with my dad, and I think that whether you cut contact or not, ultimately you are left with the guilt because your mum is very unlikely to ever admit responsibility, that is the hardest thing and that is where therepy may help. I will reiterate that nothing that has happened is your fault.

Take things one day at a time, but please do make an appointment to see your gp tomorrow xx

I remember my SD seemed so loud & scary, he never beat me nor did mum but she was abit smack happy, a smack for every word sort of smack if that makes sense? not going to say i never miss behaved! i did let the cat in while the budgie was flying around. cat killed it (wasnt intentional) a couple of fish died when i thought they would be ok out of the tank! i was young of course abit thick.

dont think mum was scared of my SD as i remember her and dad always fighting (physically) so wasnt easily intimedated. not that im sure. dont know why she let SD pull us around like he did? my DP is allowed to tell my DC's off for bad behaviour but by no means is he to lay a finger on them. even i dont smack. (admit to smacking DS2 whilst having pnd/counselling)

yes SD was still there when we went back, not sure if it was all denied. he was mixed personality. he was scary to me but i remember one time when i was up early hrs crying & shaking and he sat on the sofa with me.

foster care was terrifying. even if carers were nice i still think i would be traumatised by it, being in an unfamiliar place and with strangers etc. then of course how my mum reacted when i got returned.

i love my DC's, they are not very 'huggy' kids (dd is but is only 22mths) and im not sure if its the vibes i give off or they just not that way? i hope its not because of me and do wonder if they feel they cant talk or hug me :( I do my best in looking after them, keeping them safe, happy, clean... i did find playing with them a bit hard when they were younger but have got better and now love spending time making lego mosaics and building.

so its not depression? is it all in my head? therapy sounds too much money :(

feel bit of a mess and cant see me ever feeling like i want to get out in to the world and live, i just feel like hiding away. have such a head-ache! can just about think straight as im typing :(
I have blabbed on abit in this thread, so sorry.

sorry tramadol didnt see your last post before i posted.

i think thats how i feel, i dont think cutting ties will help me forget. would probably make me feel guilty like you say. sorry to hear you have encountered same with your dad. x

AL - who says it isn't depression. Of course it's all in your head because that's where are brain is located and depression can be caused by some chemical inbalance in the brain, or the psychological distress causes the chemical imbalance. It's a chicken and egg situation, but that's not important.

What is important is that you get the GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. The feeling of wanting to hide away is one of the major symptoms of depression. Why are you trying to tell yourself you are not depressed. The best person to diagnose is your GP. Sometimes you can get counselling on the NHS though there is often a long waiting list, but you could ask the GP about it.

i meant in my head as in (in my mind/brain) oh dear maybe ive done your head in banging on about it.
I am listening to you. will go gp.

NO AL you haven't "done my head in" and you are not "banging on" - you are doing what we all do one the MH thread and reach out to others when we are in need of support.

SO glad you are going to GP.

Maybe book a 10 min slot and don't try and make light of things - write a list and take it with you - like this:

1. No interest in anything
2. Have felt like this since DD born 22 months ago. (is that right)
3. Feel "nothingness" (or is it emptiness)
4. Feel isolated and lonely
5. Feel like hiding away
6. Don't think I'll ever want to go and live in the real world

7.Afraid to go out

1. Loss of libido
2. Feel worthless

10. Had unhappy childhood

And anything else you that you feel..........

Let us know how you get on. NNx

will be seeing doc toaday at 11.50am

feeling really bad today :( feels really hard to keep head together. so scared dont know whats happening to me.

If you see this before you go.

Small health niggles are classic early depression symptoms. The sufferer may not recognise they are depressed but do go to the doctors with these troubles often saying they feel under the weather

Eventually after some time, they will be recognised as depression. So what I am trying to say is: Your doctor probabaly won't be suprised when you turn up explaining how you feel. Nor will she think you crazy, as you are showing a classic pattern .

Good luck xx let us know how you get on

hi all

been to gp, she has given me fluoxetine AD's, and have a number to ring for counselling. bit nervous about AD's.

DP came gp with me, he understands that pushing him away is due to my depression. wants to help me get better :)

thankyou so much for all your help.
nana - i wrote a copy of the list you made and added some others and took it with me, glad i did because i clamed up so handed her my list. you are great x

OH well done AL for getting to the GP. This is the first step in your journey to getting better. Please remember that you might feel worse when you first start taking them, and they don't kick in till 2/3 weeks, and sometimes you need a raised dose as they usually start you on a low dose to see how you get on -not sure if GP mentioned that. Great that you have a number for a counsellor too.

SO glad DP went with you and is going to support you...and I'm not great -though kind of you to say so, but I am just a MN who knows the torment of depression.

Keep us posted.............NNx

can i just ask what you mean by feel worse? worse as in depression or as in feeling sick? sorry if it seems a daft question just abit nervous as what to expect.

gp explained about the 2/3wks, got to go back then so she can assess they are ok for me.

i think it is great that you and others who also suffer with depression are there to keep each others heads above water. the support is overwhelming

thankyou xx

They can make you feel a bit jittery or mildly anxious. But most people don't even get this.

oh, bit worried only cos i got 22mth to look after and 2ds's. bit older tho. would it be ok to take few hours before bed (after baby is asleep) just so i dont worry as much. or is it meant for day use?

Your GP should have written on the prescription when it should be taken, so have a look at the packet cus it should be there. When I said can "make you feel a bit worse" I should have explained that it was that it just made me feel a bit nore anxious, but that was because I was severely depressed by the time I went to the GP - I got the meds (low dose) on the Thursday before Easter and was admitted to hopsital a week later, so really I shouldn't have said that, as it was just my personal experience.

I honestly think you need to get this AD thing into perspective. These drugs are safe and have changed the lives of hundreds (if not thousands) of people and have been used for many years. They are not addictive, so best thing is to stop worrying and take the meds. It's your first step towards getting better.

There is a great deal of support on these MH threads because we all know the horrors of mental illness and only those that have experienced it can understand how awful it is, well that's my opinion anyway, though I suppose it is much the same with other things in life - we have to experience it to understand it.

You're probably asleep now (hope so) anyway and hope you've taken the AD. Would you be as worried about taking meds for a physical illness I wonder. Sadly there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and stigma around mental illness, which is a great pity.

Sending warm wishes NNx

hi

I did take my 1st last night, but i waited til DD was asleep. I guess i was just weary as in what to expect, having heard different opinions on them.

but i felt fine. didnt feel sick or zoned out, over relax. nothing that i wasnt comfortable with. i just wound myself self up thinking that i would take it then sit there waiting for the unknown to happen?!!

I'm terrible for over analysing and panicking so im a naturally weary of taking something or doing something new. as you asked if id take something for a physical illness, i probably would be worried :( bit of a nightmare aint i?!
i dont even take flu tablets or headache pills - until i really cant handle it.

hope your doing well NN x

un-comfortable with

Oh glad you have started on your ADs and were ok. I know lots of people who won't take tablets for headache or flu - I'm the opposite - I will take anything that makes me feel better!

Not too bad thanks, but could be better - always feel better in the evenings.
How are you - I think you will possibly find you are up and down as that seems to be the nature of the beast with depression, though 80% of people make a full recovery in 4/6 months. I am one of the unlucky 20% - but I do have far more good days than bad - it's just I never know when the bad days are coming. Think also it's harder to make a complete recovery as you get older (I am 68) and after my first episode when I was 51 I made a complete recovery in about 4 months. So the chances are that you will make a full recovery, but it is a slow recovery, so you have to be a bit patient with yourself.

Love NNx

hi NN

I feel a little better in the evening too, and can feel up & down. your right.

sorry to hear you've had this so long, hope you recover one day soon. must be so tiring for you :(

feel quite helpless for you, this is all new to me so cant even offer advice. (although you do a good job giving support and advice to others) but can chat any time :)

AL xx

God to hear from you AL - and glad that you too feel a little better in the evenings. Yes this has been going on for me for over 2 years and I slowly but steadily climbed the hill to recovery last year and first months of this year I was 100% fine, so it was a nasty shock for April, May (and part of June thus far) but I still have far more good days than bad. I score each day, Very Good Day, Good Day, Reasonably GD, Not good +++ but improved later, NG/NB - improved later (sounds like a weather forecast) then at the end of every quarter I add up the VGD and GDs and divide them by the number of days in the month and hit % on calculator. Been doing them monthly since April, so that was 22 VGDs or GDs divided by 30 (days in April) which gave me 73% really good days, and strangely the figures for May were exactly the same.

It just helps me to see it in the figures that I am having far more good days than bad, so hope to climb up again through this year. I just make the most of every good day (like today) and since the bad days often come one after the other (anything from 2 - 7) then the good days seem to do the same. Sorry if this is not making sense but it is something that helps me and I'm sure others have their own ways.

Don't worry about not being able to help me - I am lucky enough to have a very supportive partner (we're both retired - been together 40 years but never got round to getting married!) and some really close women friends, and I can hibernate under the duvet on really bad days, which is something you can't do if you have small children. Yes sometimes I get really fed up and say "OH GOD I AM SO SICK OF ALL THIS" but then I think that there are thousands of people so much worse off than me, and this actually helps me.

Supporting others on the MH thread is good for me too, so it isn't selfless, it's just that having 2 major episodes spread over 18 years I've picked up a few things!

Take it steady AL and remember that there are hundreds (probably thousands) of people out there who are suffering this damn horrible illness. You must believe that this will pass and you will get better - it's difficult to believe at the time but I still hold on to that and believe I will make a full recovery. Oh this is me on a good day, I might not be saying that on a bad day!!!

Love NNx

yes it all made sense, think its a great way to keep track of it. its good to hear you have more good than bad days. 18yrs no wonder you pick a few things up! hope this is the year you get yourself back ontop x

glad that you have your partner and good friends around you, and WOW 40yrs! thats something :)

same here - i always say to myself some one else is much worse off than me, thats not just in health but money and possessions etc.

the MH thread on here gets me through each day, with yourself and others support i dont feel so alone.

I feel abit annoyed with myself that ive had this so so long and had put it all down to my dull lifestyle, im only 29 and feel i have wasted so much of it.

im glad your having a good day, wishing you many more :)

take care AL xx

Hi AL - think I might have confused you. I'm not sure if I said somehwere in a post that I had my first episode of severe depression in 1995 (a few months after the death of my closest friend) - 6 weeks from diagnosis to funeral. I was in psych hosp for 3 months but made a full recovery. I was taking the meds then right up until 2008 and then I slowly came off them with the help of a psychologist (GPs were hopeless at helping me to get off them) and by June 2009 I was completely off them. I was taking 100mg per month and had been on that dose for all those years and reduced by 10 mg a month and it took 10 months. However I had only been off them for 4 months (and had a bad physical illness and worry about my baby g'dghtrs health) and I then have a second severe depression and went into hospital again in April 2010. My ups and downs have been going on for 2.5 years not 18 years!

It is 18 years since my friend died and I never really grieved for her. The meds made me better and I just got on with my life and I had a job that I loved. However the psychologist I am seeing now (on the NHS) thinks that the root cause of my psychological distress is my friend's death and she is probably right, because since I have been talking to her about my friend I have cried all the way through and she says there is a "lot of raw emotion" still there. SO I am now trying to back track 18 years and get in touch with the feelings I had both before she died, and after she died, although of course a lot of the memories have faded but some are still sharp and clear.

So glad the thread is helping you through the day (as it has done and still does whether I'm feeling good or crappy) and makes you feel less isolated. I think the good thing is we are reaching out to people and interacting which is good for us, but from the safety of a laptop and being anonymous. I never mind people PM ing me - all you do is click on Message Poster at the end of the blue line.

Sending good wishes and keep on keeping on.....NNx