Relocated and feeling very down

[rubyblue]

We moved from city to small town in rural county a few months ago. I loved where we lived before and had family and close friends. But dh's job was under threat and he was so unhappy, was a really stressful time. So I agreed to the move because he found a good job and it is closer to his folks. But I cant shake the feeling of disbelief and sadness. I have found a job here which is stressful. Also it took months to sell our old house and we are now doubling our mortgage to buy here. It all feels overwhelming. Have two kids under four and they are really hard work at the moment and my mood is to helping. I keep hoping it will get better. I don't feel depressed, just sad really. Don't know how to feel better. Any suggestions?

I think probably your feelings are quite natural - you have been uprooted and the transplant is not going smoothly. Moving house is very high on the list of life crises which can cause us psychological distress. It isn't surprising that you are feeling isolated, especially with 2 pre-schoolers, who would be hard work in any event. You also have a job that is stressful - is it the same sort of job you had before. Presumably you are paying nursery fees and double the mortgage, so finance will be a problem.

Are you a really long way from your old locality - is it possible to keep up some sort of contact with them, or will they visit you. I could talk about making new friends in the area etc and I'm sure you will in the fullness of time but at the moment I think you are still grieving for your old life and are feeling as you say overwhelmed at how distressed you are feeling. Is DHs job any better and is he sympathetic to your feelings of isolation, alienation at the moment.

Can you have phone calls with your family and friends to decrease your sense of isolation.

Hi. I understand how you're feeling. I moved on saturday and am really struggling to adapt to the change, and I've only moved down the road! Change is hard. Plus, you're probably experiencing the culture shock of moving to a small town from a big city... Have you met any other parents yet?

Hiya, we have been here a few months now and I have made massive effort to meet other mums. There is one Mum I get on well with, the others not so much. I guess it's a massive cultural shift too, we moved from one end of the country to the other so old friends are not close. You are rit, it feels like two or three major stresses happening at once. Dh is very sweet and has listened to me sobbing on a few occasions but he is not sentimental at all. Luckily his job is going well and he sees loads more of children so all better on that score. I feel selfish as I know it is better for the family but I miss my home city so much that I can't eve look at photos of it. :(

You are going through a bereavement. Many people think that this occurs only with someone dying but it can be a loss of any kind, and in your case it's loss of your old life and hometown.

Can you pay for some therapy related to how you are feeling, Bereveament is a process (or a journey) and can arouse feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness and many other emotions - they are not linear - you can go 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but the theory is that eventually you will come to some sort of acceptance and resolution of the problem, but it can be a long journey, and you wll need help.
I have just remembered finance is tight and most therapists charge around £40-£50 an hour. It's important to find the right therapist, someone with who you connect and feel safe - sometimes have to try more than 1.

Glad you have found one friend and Im sure you will find others over time. I am guessing that you maybe moved from London (or somewhere in the South) to the North of the country. Cultural changes are difficult. Hope things improve for you - I'm sure they will over time.

Nananina- I was just about to say the same thing! Have just come back from counselling and have established that what I am experiencing is grief for the loss of my old house. Still tough bu t feels good to be able to identify it.

It's less scarey when you can identify it isn't it HIMH - so glad you have got to see a counsellor. Did you feel ok with him/her. It isn't just your old house though is it, it's everything that went with it, family, friends and your home town. I get homesick even when I'm on holiday!!

Really hope that you can now start the process of grieving - there are lots of books about grieving so I'm sure if you look on Amazon you will find plenty but the real work will be done with your counsellor.

Keep us posted. NNx

Yes, much less scary. I have a long term counsellor that I've found really helpful. I've only moved down the road, but from a place I really loved with a real sense of community. Hopefully, when term starts up again I'll feel better

Sorry I have got posts muddled - HIMYH - I thought I was replying to rubyblue the OP. However glad things are going well for you HIMY.

Rubyblue do you think you therapy about your loss of so many things might help you?

Thanks for all the advice. nananina, I had never thought of it like a bereavement before, but you are spot on. It is exactly how I feel (although nowhere like the same pain obviously). I guess it is a process.
I have had counselling before and found it useful but find it hard to make the time between work and kids. I will start with a book and have begun a gratitude journal where I list five good things which happen each day. Sometimes it is hard to find five but even little things. It is helping me but I am almost scared to go back to home town because it reminds me what I am missing.

I think people always associate bereavement with a death but it can be the case with any kind of loss, and yours is a big loss. You can't measure pain, so you won't know if you are suffering more or less than anyone else, and that isn't important really - the important thing is how you are feeling.

I really would try to find some time between work and kids (some counsellors work evenings) as I think you are going to need this kind of support in your journey through this loss. Yes it is a process, but it takes as long as it takes, and it isn't linear - you can experience all sorts of emotions but not in any order, but you do need to be aware of you emotions. Very often the first emotion is denial (this isn't happening) and then the other emotions like anger, sadness, etc but they vary so much.

This is much in my mind as I am seeing a grief counsellor about the death of my dearest friend at the age of 46 - eighteen years ago. I had a breakdown after her death and severe depression and on ADS and in hopsital for 3 months, but I got better and carried on with my life and never really grieved for my friend, though I missed her of course.

My friend's children are all grown now of course with families of their own and her eldest son came back from the USA with his wife and children for a month in April and this aroused all the emotions of sadness that my friend wasn't there to see her lovely granchildren. I was seeing a therapist anyway and this was on my list to talk about, and when I did, I cried all the way through. My therapist (who is lovely) said "There is a lot of raw emotion there NN" and I was flaked out for the rest of the day, but she has given me 6 more sessions to go back to the past about my friend. I cried a lot the 2nd time too, and I am tired out after (I am an old woman aged 68!!) but it;s like my grief has been bottled up.

Don't make this mistake ruby, see a counsellor or get some reading on grief - think there must a lot on Amazon. The person that springs to mind is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who used to write on grief, but she has probably been overtaken by more up to date authors now.

You have made a good start with your book and your 5 good things, but you could use it to write down how you really feel (not for anyone else to read) I do this every day and it helps a bit, but I have always liked writing things down that are troubling me, sort of gets it out of my head onto paper.

All for now, keep us posted.

Hi nn, thanks for sharing your experiences so honestly with me. Lots of hugs to you, the loss of a dear friend must be so difficult to bear. A friend of mine died when we were 13 and I still think about her and also the devastation that caused her parents. I have had a very low day today so I am going to look for a counsellor to help me deal with this as it is not good for me or family. Thanks again, will keep you posted. RB

No problem ruby I think this is the one place where we can be open and honest with each other and this MH site as got me through many a dark hour.

The loss of a 13 year old must have been truly terrible and it is every parent's nightmare isn't it. You read about these things in the paper and feel vaguely sorry, then turn the page. I guess that's just how it is though. We can only really feel for our own loved ones.

Glad you are going to look for a counsellor - make sure you get someone properly qualified (BCAP) British ASsoc Counsellors and therapists) and many of them specialise in bereavement counselling. Thing is though you need to find someone with whom you "connect" and feel safe enough to talk about your emotions concerned with your loss. Don't worry if you have to find someone else - it's quite common. The sucess really does depend on the trust you are able to put in the therapist and like everyone else, they are all different.

Yes, keep me posted.............NNx