Struggling to cope with my mum and depression

[storminabuttercup]

This will sound very selfish but I'm at the end of my tether.

My mum suffers with depression, she has been very bad with it for the last 18 months, coupled with a degenerative illness it's obviously got worse. She takes ADs but has refused counselling and I also think she has refused the pain clinic for her illness.

I also suffer from anxiety, I take a small dose of ADs and I'm undergoing CBT which is really helping.

Over the last few months my mum has begun to blame me for any disagreement we have, for example; yesterday she was at my DGP's who said they were staying in waiting for me as I said I'd visit. What I'd actually said was 'will you be in on Wednesday, I'm waiting for my shopping to be delivered in the morning but we may pop down in the afternoon' to which they replied, 'we will be going shopping' at 9.15 my mum called to tell me to take DS to see them, I pointed out that I couldn't as I was waiting for a delivery, she pointed out they had waited in.

Later that afternoon she called me and said I'd upset them as they had cancelled their plans, no matter how much I explained that I was never going down in the morning she just wouldn't listen. She told me I'm selfish and that she's told them that when I say I'm going to visit to ignore it as I probably won't.

She's still carrying this on today.

She's been on the phone telling me I am selfish, I treat her like shit etc. I honestly don't know where it has come from.

She will now tell my sister I've upset her and I will be accused (again) of making her depression worse.

She keeps saying I think more of my friends than my family, I have very few friends and probably one of them once a month if that makes sense, so each friend every couple of months, for a cuppa, it's happened that this week I will have seen three friends all in one week, completely unheard of usually. I wondered if she was feeling left out but this was all at weekends when she never wants to see me and DS as she spends time with my dad. We also invite them to have tea or whatever alot but they say no.

I know she is ill, but I just don't know what to do.

It's as if this is all my fault.

If you get this far thanks for reading

This won't make me popular but so what if you think more of your friends than your family? You get to choose your friends and you stand for a lot less crap from them!

I'm not sure your mum's depression can be blamed for her behaviour entirely. She's treating you really badly and using guilt as a weapon. But you don't have to feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong.

My mum can be like this but is acting the model of perfect behaviour right now, I don't want to see her once a week as is our arrangement but I'm too spineless I have no idea how to change things. I think in your situation you are well within your rights to say "the way you're acting right now/how you speak to me is upsetting and I'd like to keep my distance for a bit" - I don't know about you but having DC has changed things for me regarding my parents. I can honestly say if it wasn't for wanting my DS to have a relationship with them I wouldn't care if I went weeks between visits, they're both very selfish people and I don't enjoy they're company particularly. What a misery I am! Anyway, say something - she can't really argue can she?

It most certainly is not your fault. You can only do so much, you have your own family. Your mum is being selfish and unreasonable, but obviously her brain is cloudy because she is ill, and needs some help.

What about your dad? Can you talk to him - is he worried about her and her behaviour? Is your sister worried? Do they know that you aren't well?

I can only give you a big virtual hug, and say you're not alone. My mum also suffers from depression, and when I think back I think she has since my childhood. I blame her and my dad for all kinds of stuff and hang ups I have. She has been diagnosed with clinical depression since my dad died nearly 4 years ago, and will never improve, she won't take anti d's.

See if you can get your dad and sister on board and get your mum some help

xxxx

I know exactly what you mean.

When I was pregnant and until she got this illness and the depression came back she was great. She goes from being fine one day to being like this the next. She changes her mind on things so much. She offered to have DS once hour a week between me going to work on the late shift and DP coming home, I said this could be a problem if she was ill, but she insisted, I agreed to the shift then she changed her mind, cue me begging nursery to find him a place, I pay for the full afternoon, now she sulks if she says 'oh I'll have him today' and I say that I've paid for nursery and I want to keep him in a routine she says it's disgusting that he is in nursery when I'm only at work for an hour.

This is what I can't cope with, because then when she does have him the next time we disagree she says, 'oh I'm ok when I'm looking after DS for you'

See, I can't win.

If I try and bring any of this up she says I'm not well/in pain today I'm not having this!

Thank you both

Your kindness has got me in tears

Oh love - I can almost see your tears! My mum died a long time ago and I am 68 and have intermittent depression. SO I am coming at this from a different angle. I am obsessed with the fear of my grown up kids or grand children seeing me when I am"in a state" - am about 80% ok but when the bad days come, oh god they are so bad. Depression is a horrid illness as I'm sure yoy know but the torment of it can only really be understood by suferrers. I am lucky I have a supportive DP and am retired of course. Was a social worker for 30 years so have seen the best and worst of human behaviour.

Naturally I feel an empathy for your mother, but as yu say "for the last few months" she has been worse, I am wondering if her depression has taken "another turn" in the sense of making her more irrational, and if so maybe the GP needs to know. The fact that she is so saying such horrid things to you really make me wonder if her condition has altered for the worse, and she needs to be re-assessed. Is you dad alive and is he any help to your mom or does she have any sisters/brothers/friends.

She is really looking to you to look after her and this isn't fair and is no doubt contributing to your own anxiety. Is she the same with your sister or can you two share your worries about the change in your mother.

There's little use my saying "don't worry" because you will of course, but you must look after your own health and not get into arguments with your mum about who said what (re the shopping trips) - it sounds like she might live close to you, and if so are you able to visit her, although I can accept that there is little pleasure in this for you. What age is your mum - and does she have any help for her degenerative illness e.g. district nurse or a CPN for her depression. She does have a lot to contend with and I wonder if the best thing for you to do is to try to find out what outside help is available to her.

Sorry if I'm way off the point here. Incidentally - what sort of mum was she before she became ill.
Don't feel you have to answer btw - I was just wondering about these things.

Thank-you NanaNina I'm sorry about your mum, and here I am complaining about mine

My dad is alive but would be no help, he's a very ignorant man. The only person he is 'ok' with is my DS. He also swings from being the best dad in the world to one who seems thoroughly pissed off by our presence.

My sister is still the baby (at 27) still lives at home so sees more than me I guess but I have the feeling it's me that gets the wrath.

It sounds awful but my mum doesn't really have any friends, she had some at work, two of whom she still sees, she doesn't really speak to her siblings. Through my childhood it seemed like there would be a new best friend for a while then a huge fall out, not many friends just drifted away.

As far as medically she does see a consultant for the illness, I don't know what the illness is called, but as far as I am aware from reading the literature she was given she should be getting counselling from a pain clinic to help her manage the pain so she can carry on with things, I do know she has only been once. People with this illness can go on to lead fairly normal lives. As for the depression I know she said no to counselling but that's it.

As for before, it's hard to say. Before I started to write this I would have said she was a brilliant mum, but the more I think the more I see that these up and down stages have been going on for a long time.

I'm nearly 30 and so often I am made to feel like a child, I find myself crying because my dad is ignoring me, or my mum is making me feel guilty.

If you met my mum, you would never guess all of this, she doesn't show the effects of depression in these ways to anyone but close family.

I phone every morning and afternoon to see how she is, I should be phoning now but I can't do with the shouting.

just to say that the only reason i suffer my own mother once a week for 5 hours is because i am expecting to have an unbearably guilty concience when she passes if i don't feel like i've done my duty. You can choose your friends. I have to put up with my mother week in week out regardless how i feel about her. She just brings us all down to her miserable level.

Hope you can find the strength to get through this xxx

Gymbob, I'm sorry you are in such a situation.

Sending a virtual hug to you.

Writing all this down is good therapy though. X

Through guilt i phone my mum every night. I am nearly 50! There is never anything to talk about and if i don't phone as i didn't a couple of days ago i get the third degree. Mothers.
I know where you're at with your dad, mine didn't want to know about my mother's depression

xxx

Oh buttercup don't be worrying about my mum - she lived till she was almost 90 and has been dead for many years. Oh lord I was hoping your dad was some help but he sounds about as much good as a "broken arm" and this can't help your mum I'm sure. Maybe he is the cause of some of her problems. In a way she is lucky to have an adult daughter still living at home to help care and support her (that's if she does)

From what you say I would be sceptical that your mom has clinical depression, because you can't turn it on and off - it doesn't work like that. Well it doesn't work like that for me, but i have heard other women say they can "fake it" so it maybe this is what your mom does.

The real pity of all this is how it affects you. There is a theory about persecutors/rescuers and victims. And it goes like this - persecutors look for victims and victims look for rescuers, but it's like a board game and positions can swap. Sorry if this isn't making sense to you. It sounds to me your mom is playing the persecutor role to you and the victim role - poor me and you should care more about me etc. This arouses guilt in you (this is what it's meant to do) so you feel bad, and as you say like a child again. I think you must have had a very unsettled childhood as you talk of your dad's mood swings, and never knowing when you mattered ane when you didn't.

We are (I believe) all who we are as adults dependent upon the way we were treated as children, as childhood trauma carries on into adulthood and manifests itself in many different ways. YOur family sounds very dysfunctional and I agree, that you will never be able to please your mother because it's "heads she wins and tails you lose" I'm not saying your mom us doing this consciously - a lot of the time our actions are not at a conscious level. What I was getting at before was wondering whether your mom's illness was bi polar, given the ups and downs, but it doesn't sound like - do you think? How on earth do your parents get on with each other.

I think you have a choice, as to whether you are going to let your mum "pull and push you" in and out of her life, or whether you are going to make a decision that you will not allow her to do this. I know it isn't easy and I think you would find it useful to find a good therapist who can help you unravel your emotions and your experiences of growing up in your family. You will have to pay if you do decide to go down this route (they usually charge between £40 and £50 per hour and you need to find someone who you "connect" with and feel safe enough to let your emotions out, and sometimes you habe to try more than 1 therapist.

Sorry this is all a bit heavy but it is clearly and unsurprisingly having a very negative effect on your life and I honestly don't think anything will change with your mom. You see A can't change B's behaviour, but A can change the way they behave towards B abd thus bring about a change in the dynamics.

Does any of this make any sense?

You are both making alot of sense.

Im certain it is not bi-polar as there are no highs as such, just normal then very low. I do think she finds it hard to differentiate between the pain her illness causes and the depression.

My childhood was ok, I'd say my teens were when the problems started. Yes I was argumentative and a pita, but pretty tame compared to others.

As for how they get on with each other, I really don't think they do. They co-exist but that's about it.

I've tried to speak to my sister today, I texted to ask if we can talk (she ignores my calls) but she seems to think mum is fine.

As I said this is really helping. X

I see exactly what you mean about the change thing too.

I do wonder if I have made things worse as , as I have got older I have challenged my parents behaviour. When I disagree this causes the big rows.

Golly, don't be sorry for me, but thanks for the hug, I'm a very tactile person!

As we get older lots of us do challenge behaviour that in our opinion is wrong, it is a perfectly natural thing to do. It's causing rows because your mum doesn't like it. I'd say tough. Sorry your dad isn't able to help, but hope your sister can see things from your perspective when you manage to speak to her.

It's a shame you can't walk away and say knickers to you all - but sounds like you have a concience too