Not sure that I'm 'safe'

[BellaBoo85]

Need somewhere to come where I can be honest and have a bit of a release from all this.
I'll try and keep it short ~ I'm on sertraline, recently upped to 150mg. I'm 'allowed' it a week at a time so I don't overdose on it. Honestly if I was going to overdose I'd choose from the 100's of pills etc already in the house. But apparently this is going to keep me safe (??)
it's not.

I'm having horrible thoughts. Mainly of what I could do to myself, but also things that could happen to me. I'm in the house on my own, dc's not back til tomorrow night and I'm totally freaking out.
I've had friends round today because I knew it wasn't an option being on my own, but now I've no choice.
I'm resisting the urge to smash my head against a wall (sorry, this is where I start to sound completely nuts) I need to hurt, to punish myself. I need my head to stop being so....I dunno..weird??
I need to stop messing everything up..

How long have you been on the sertraline?

I'm not very good with advice but I'm here listening.

Call the samaritans - they will listn, and help as much as possible, and are more immediate than us.

I've been there, and it does get better, but it is awful waiting for it to do so.

Ask for help. Ring the samaritans, or NHS direct, or the crisis number (if you have been given one). Just having a chat often sorts me out, but if it doesn't, there is all sorts they can do, from arranging an extra appointment, a home visit, emergency medication right up to letting you stay in hospital for a bit (don't worry - that hardly ever happens)

Bella, can you leave the room you're in and call the Samaritans? If so, please do so.

Call your local CMHS helpline. You really don't need to feel like this :(

Or call the Samaritans, as suggested, if you can't get through to your hcps.

I'm not very good at calling people and asking for help. That's why I'm here..it kind of makes it feel a little less real not having to say it out loud.
I took a sleeping pill last night just to stop the thoughts. I feel numb today, completely exhausted and a little sore. I need to pull myself together for the girls coming home.

Been on the sertraline since Christmas (ish) started on citalopram back in July which had no effect. Plus zopiclone for as and when I need it (which would be every night but I'm saving it up ~ just in case )
Thanks for all your replies. As no one has called me an idiot yet I think this is going to help. Thanks for letting me vent.

You're not an idiot.

I've been on a few anti depressants so know that they can have side effects which was why I asked.

Have you just upped the dosage level? that can cause issues whilst you get used to it. You can go back to the gp to talk about it.

How are you doing now?

My dosage was upped about 3 weeks ago. I've felt ok on them but the bad days seem to be something I can't handle too well. Especially when ExP has the kids. It's like I can't be on my own anymore I don't want to have to have people around me constantly. Like today I've ignored txts and phonecalls from my friend and just ignored said caller/texter banging on my door. Now I'm scared she's going to come back so I'm hiding away sitting upstairs so there's no chance she'll see me through a window or whatever.
I feel marginally better ~ I'm up and dressed anyway. Make up and hair done so I don't scare the kids when they get back by looking half dead so I look normal and ExP doesn't realise that I'm a complete nutter and not bring them back again.
My kids are keeping me going but sometimes the most selfish part of me thinks that they're not always enough and the thought that they'd be happier without a nutcase as a mother takes over.

Right now I need my 400years of cbt coping mechanisms to kick in but they're not.
I making this into an essay, I'll stop now.

I've had similar days like that, I just curl up in my duvet and ignore the world.

Do you think you could text them and say you're ok, you're just having a "me" day, they obviously care for you.

Your dc love you no matter what, you are doing the best for them.

Can you keep a journal of your feelings, you can check them with the gp.

And don't worry about writing an essay :)

Me too had days when I just want to hide away and I usually do. I panic if the phone rings or door bell goes but I have a DP who "protects" me at these times. Crying always helps to release something in me and makes me feel a shade better.

Not sure it's a good idea to ignore your friend. Is she someone who you can trust to see you "in a state" - I am quite phobic about anyone seeing me on bad days only DP and a couple of close women friends. I am a grandmother and am paranoid about my grandchildren ever seeing me in a state. I have good days and bad days and it's horridF because you never know where you are do you.

Feeling for you and hope you feel a bit steadier soon

No, she's not someone who I would let see me like this. It's not that I don't trust her, I just don't let anyone see it. I shut myself away and hope for the best.
My HV is the only person whose seen me in a slight state (poor woman) and she was brilliant but it made me feel so exposed and vulnerable. So I kind of just don't let it happen in front of people.
Panicking at the sound of the door or the phone sounds so very familiar. It makes me feel ridiculous because it's such a normal thing for someone to knock on your door.

I have to keep a journal for my cbt sessions. It helps a lot. Means I know what I need to do to make myself feel ok. I'm just finding it hard to put it into practice.

I know, cbt is difficult, I just keep plodding away hoping it'll work.

How are you doing now?

Hi just wanted to echo what someone else said - the increase in the medication may be causing this set back. Ive found ive had horrible thoughts as a temporary side effect when Ive made any changes in dose.
Well done for getting dressed etc.
please do reach out for help in RL though too. And if you feel at risk go to A and E if theres no one else you can get hold of because of BH.
Its great that you are doing cbt. Its not an imediate cure but hopefully will help you longer term.
Hope things start easing off.

I feel surprisingly calm. A little strange though. A bit like i'm not here. ExP was late bringing the kids back, only 15 minutes but I nearly had some kind of, I don't know, I panicked.

I spoke to my friend and told her I'd been asleep she's going to call round tomorrow.

I've been having cbt for a while now. Think I've had about 8 or 9 sessions. I also tried counselling before that.
I'm lucky, I've got a lot of professional support around me, I just find it hard to talk really honestly so I play a lot of it down. It's too hard to say to someone that sometimes I am so close to the edge that it feels like I can't carry on.
I'm not sure why I feel this way so I can't expect that someone else will understand why I do. It all feels very complicated and unreal.

Glad you're feeling bit better. It's really important to talk honestly about your feelings to counsellors or whoever. Playing it down isn't going to help you Bella, and the thing is you won't be saying anything that a counsellor, GP or MH professional will not have heard hundreds of times before.

So many of us know what it's like to feel so close to the edge that we can't carry on and have really strong suicidal thoughts - it's all part of the illness. It's only like saying you have a cough and pain with a chest infection.

I don't think many people with mental health problems are sure why they feel like they do, it's not something we can understand because it seems so irrational. Medics don't really understand what causes mental health problems; psychiatrists can diagnose and treat but there is still very little known about brain disorder.

You may already know that 1 in 4 people will suffer with mental health problems at some time in their lives (more women than men) and one-third of patient seeing their GP is for mental health problems. So please don't try and play it down. It's really important that you can talk about how you are feeling to someone who you trust and feel safe with.

Glad you feel a bit calmer.

I could have written your post a year ago, I was in a very similar frame of mind.

Being as open and honest with professionals really helps as they can pin point how to help you better.

I used to feel really panicky too but talking to my gp about it really helped.

Samaritans are also good for listening to you.

Thankyou
I think I feel calmer because I've got dd's back.

I'm as honest as I can be without actually saying 'you know what, sometimes the thoughts are so strong that I could quite possibly end it all'

They know my plans, hence only being allowed weekly prescriptions. They know the children are my safety net. The moment someone tells me that I can't be around them anymore will be it.
The way I see it is, the minute I start to talk completely honestly about all of this will be the end of it all.

For the record my children are in no way in any harm, they are completely safe being with me, they are my life and right now, my reason for being here.
It scares me that sometimes I wonder if it's enough because the irrational part of me thinks maybe they would be better off without me.
I know at this moment, thinking clearly that they need me, dd1 (5) has written me a little note telling me how much she has missed me the last couple of days and how much she loves me
so how can I even contemplate such awful things??
Whether it's the illness or not I feel like the most selfish, vile person on the planet.