My 13yr old daughter is cutting herself

[Ploddy]

I found razor cuts all over my 13 yr old daughters wrists today. She's been getting upset over boys at school lately. I don't incourage boyfriends at this age and she doesnt spend any time with them out of school. There is a boy in her year who has got another girl in their year pregnant, and he's been hasseling her for a few weeks to go out with him. I've told her to stay away from him, but have found out today they went out for a day and then he dumped her and all her friends have turned on her, calling her a slagg and other similar names. As an adult it sounds daft to us but the whole experience has hurt her so much she's cutt herself. Has any one else delt with a similar experience ??😖

I'm thinking more of the scale of feelings/emotions a person can have Northern. If the OPs DD is doing small cuts when she's being isolated by her peers, a few months down the line and something's making her even more upset, the small cuts might not feel enough.

If you've been cutting yourself a while and know it's your way of releasing stuff (ie, older and with a bit more experience of yourself), it's possible to maybe minimize what you 'have' to do.

But having no experience or control over it could leave someone out of control, and if they're in a state, they might not be able to keep it as small as possible.

I'm not suggesting it's inevitable your DD goes anything beyond what's already happened Ploddy, and I think that's the overall point I'm trying to make, it's not a universal behaviour or inevitable, and if it's neither of these things that means are things that can be done to help her not do it again

nonsharp coping mechanisms from rethink

There's a huge list here, you can help her by doing them with her and relating experiences with her.

I can't find the London one but have worked with rethink before, they are a long established charity.

Youngminds and Childline are good too, she can call childline as a nonsharp tool too.

My daughter is 13 and is cutting herself. She is experiencing problems with some girls at school - nothing as tangible as bullying, more a feeling of exclusion and isolation. She avoids any situation where she might stand out. We have been to CAHMS, but they weren't much help. Just a lot of jargon, which she saw straight through. She refuses to have anyone at the school help her, because, again, it will make her stand out. She will talk to me occasionally, but rarely, because she doesn't want to upset me and she wants to try to deal with stuff on her own. I'm desperate to help her, but I don't know what to do.

So sorry Ginny for you and your girl. You say she isn't being bullied but being excluded and isolated is bullying - emotional bullying which is very distressing for a 13 year old, just at the time when her hormones are going wild and she wants to fit in with everyone else. The school should have an anti bullying policy - could you talk to the school (head of pastoral care maybe) without your daughter knowing, unless she agrees, which seems unlikely. It's the school's responsibility to deal with bullying, but of course it can happen outside of school and by social media these days.

When you say she is cutting herself, how badly is this - scratches on her arms, or deeper cuts. If the latter they need medical attention which I'm sure you realise. I'm not surprised CAMHS wasn't much help - I've never really rated them to be honest - they're the old Child Guidance people and they were never much good.

Is there anything you can do to help boost your daughter's self esteem, shopping trips/lunch together at weekends or ice skating/cinema. I know girls like to do those things with friends but it might be good for the two of you to have some time together. You can say nice things to her about what you love about her, and even is she shrugs you off, she will "hear" what you say. The other thing of course is that the friendship groups of teenage girls tends to be quite fluid, with much falling in and falling out and so it's likely things will change for her as far as friends are concerned.

Have you found any of the earlier posts helpful. Youngminds is a brilliant website. I think all you can do is to be there for her when she feels like talking to you. Try not to show you are upset and this will make it more likely that she'll talk more to you. Does she have an older sister/cousin in whom she might confide. Sometimes kids find it easier to talk when you're doing something, in the car is good as if you're driving you aren't looking at her.........or cooking together maybe. Sometimes people find it easier to write things down, maybe suggest she does that and then it's up to her whether she shows you or not. Above all remember this phase will pass.

Ginny my dd is 15 and has AS so really identify with the feelings of exclusion and isolation. It all came to a head a couple of days ago when dd said she wanted to die/kill herself.

I rang Youngminds and they were amazing, give them a ring. They offered me great advice and offer a follow up call from a MH professional to give advice whilst waiting for CAMHS. I agree that CAMHS are not the best but worth a try.

Ah there is a girl in my DGD's class who has AS and is excluded - it's an all girls school and there are defined friendship groups. I am SO proud of my grand-daughter as she makes an effort with this girl (B) and talks to her and makes her laugh. They are in year 10 and I've told my DGD to explain to these other girls that it is really unkind to exclude (B) as they are old enough to understand that she has some problems in making relationships. I almost cried the other day when DGD said (B) said to her "you're the best friend I've ever had" - so hard for moms in this position. Glad you found YoungMinds helpful.

My DGD invited (B) out for a coffee in half term and she was thrilled. Only takes one nice kind girl - let's hope your DD find someone like that.

Coincidentally DD is also at an all girls school Nana and in year 10!

Oh lord thornrose - did your girl go out for coffee with a friend in half term?? If so we are indeed talking about your daughter and my grand-daughter............

Ginny, my dd 13 has been cutting herself too for the same reasons. She struggles to fit in at school

They're not deep cuts, more scratches.

I'm so worried. She's begged me not to take her to the doctors, I've said we won't at the moment and will see how she feels. I bought a book on Amazon, a work book for teens who self harm, she seems to enjoy working her way through it. If you're interested, I'll find out what is called?

No Nanna she didn't, I dearly wish she had but sadly she has yet to meet a girl as lovely as your grand-daughter.

Oh what a shame thornrose - it must be heartbreaking for you. Do you mind my asking if she is at a state or fee paying school or maybe girls grammar. Have you been in touch with the school (maybe year head or a teacher who has the "lead" in pastoral care) - they may be able to talk to some of the more emotionally mature girls to help them understand that your DD has trouble "fitting in" because of her AS. I think 15 year olds are old enough to be able to understand about conditions like AS. It would have to be handled very sensitively obviously but maybe worth a try.

So glad you got good support from YoungMinds and hope that your daughter does eventually find someone who is emotionally mature enough to understand that she difficulty making relationships and "reach out" to her.

I just wanted to say that the fact you know and she hasn't denied it is a huge step forward. It signifies that she trusts you and that she may want to find a different way to express herself - both of which are good things of course.

I work very closely with Rethink and they provide some really excellent resources so I second that suggestion.

I was a cutter, up to 30 times a day at my worst, and I had a weekly appointment with the nurse at my GP surgery to check and dress the wounds. It was never my intention to go too deep but it did happen by accident a few times, so encouraging her to show you without fear of reprisal is really important, and it sounds like you're already doing that.

From time to time I have seen young people cut because of a 'trend' but really the trend is just not knowing how to deal with feelings that are new and sometimes overwhelming. We all experiment during our teenage years - the very nature of it is that you feel judged all the time, and any difference is picked up on by others also struggling with their own differences.

If there's a boy behaving that way then you definitely need to inform the school, but also just make sure your daughter knows the lines of communication with you are always open, and reassure her that you'll be there to listen without judgement whenever she needs you.

Seek support yourself also - it's so important not to forget about your own mental health in all this.

Cutting is very very scary for those who care looking in, but as hard as it feels, keep in mind that many people harm themselves in less visible but far more damaging ways, and you're better able to help with something you can see. I realise that sounds ludicrous but it really is true.

I really wish you and your daughter the best :)

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do a lot of those things already, but there are some helpful ideas there. She has no doubt that she is loved at home, but that doesn't really help the isolation at school.

Thank you to all the people who have responded. We will give Young Minds a go. She is still very unhappy, as some of her 'friends' are turning on her now and she doesn't know why. Her cuts aren't deep at the moment, but I constantly fear that things will get worse.

I understand what your going through. I just found out my son who is 14 is cutting himself over one girl. He liked her from 7th grade and now he is in 9th grade and still is obsessed with her. She pretends to like him, and in fact I just found out she knows he does this over her and still will pretend she likes him the same way, but lies to him. He now cuts himself and I am going to get him professional help. I read they need an out lit for their emotions and don't know how to deal with it. I still don't understand the cutting, but I will have a professional help me. It is killing me inside that this is happening. Brakes my heart to no end.

As a gril who used to cut herself and that age, it can be very hard to talk about it and it will be hard for anyone else to understand why she does it. I think the best thing you can do is be sympathetic, allow her to be open with you, without you getting angry or mad and be a shoulder to cry on. I feel, even though I always tried to hide it, my self harm was a cry for help and she may even be depressed and need coucnelling.

Maybe sit her down and say your there for her and you want her to be open with you. It might take her a while to warm up to you about the subject, but could really benefit both of you