Would it be wrong of me to refuse this request?

[ScarlettCrossbones]

I have posted before about my mother, who's had chronic depression all my life, here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1291487-Is-there-anything-that-can-be-done-to-help-my-mum.

One of the things associated with her illness is that it takes her a huge length of time to get round to doing almost anything at all. I mentioned on that thread that she was planning to get a laptop, which I helped her buy last September and which I thought would open up a whole new world for her, being on the internet and e.g. being able to see up-to-date pictures of my DC very quickly. However, 8 months later and she still has not got broadband sorted out - she had one guy out but he wanted to get into her bedroom so she panicked and sent him away. She says she will get round to getting online, but if I mention it to her now, she just closes her eyes and shakes her head in a "this conversation is over" kind of way. And she refuses to let me help her - I've offered to phone companies, wait in while broadband's installed, etc etc. So I've stopped mentioning it.

Sorry this is getting so long-winded! Anyway, me, DP and DC are going away for the weekend and she's just texted me to ask if I would buy a disposable camera in a garage and take pics while we're away "so I can see real pictures quickly". AIBU to say no? It seems to be enabling things for her and putting off getting online for even longer, and apart from anything else the pictures you get from those cameras are bloody awful! She accepted it was "uneconomical".

I've never had depression so I just don't know if it's compassionate of me just to go along with the things that she's asking, or whether it's unhelpful and will just turn into a vicious circle. I suppose I could compromise by printing out my digital pics and posting them to her, but it does grate with me a bit - it probably sounds selfish of me but I do find it a hassle using "real" post, finding envelopes etc, with all the other things I have to do, when if she'd just get online I could share the pictures with her instantly. Opinions gratefully received. Thank you.

I think you're right - it would enable her. Could you offer to be in when the next broadband guy comes?

My mum has been depressed for years too, so I have some idea of where you're coming from. Crap and frustrating start to describe it for me....

I think in your shoes, I might cave to buying a disposable camera in this instance. I agree with you that it could be construed as enabling but unfortunately it sounds like such a minor request that if you said no, she (and others) would query your decision like mad and not really get the bigger picture (that you want to help her help herself).

However, did you know that you can buy USB internet dongles that are pre-loaded with a year's worth of data? My mum bought one a few months ago as she is only in this country infrequently and it's a speedy way of getting online (i.e. same-day). It cost 90 quid upfront and we got it at the Carphone Warehouse I think.

If you can afford it, buy her one, turn up at her house and plug it in. Explain how all she has to do is click one or two buttons and leave her to it. Inevitably there will be complaints of how she can't manage it and it's too hard, but both you and she will know that if there's a problem it is NOT because you didn't help. Quite the opposite in fact.

I find the problem with depressive people (I've been depressed myself so this catches me too) is that unless they personally want to change, it won't happen. The best efforts of family and friends to help them do so will be useless unless they make the effort themselves. Sad but true IME.

I am currently signed off work for depression. I also have parents and a grandmother who are, ahem, resistant to change. My feelings on this sort of thing are therefore very strong.

It would be wrong of you to refuse to send your mother photographs in a way she can cope with, yes. Quite frankly, how dare you try and force her into going online, if that is not something she wants to or is able to do? A more supportive approach would be to offer to be there (or offer your DH to be there) with her the next time she has someone around to set up broadband, as the fears of "strange man in my bedroom" are very real, very strong for some people; however, you have probably nagged at her too much already well, more than she can cope with! so you should probably drop the subject of broadband.

Further to Herrena's suggestion, could you burn a CD or place the files on a USB key and post them to your mother? If the camera you use has a memory card and her laptop a card reader, you could also post that to her, so she can download the pictures. How advanced are both of your phones? Could you send her a picture from your phone to hers, since she does texts? I'm just trying to think of other ways to get recent photos to her that doesn't involve heaps of extra work for you, nor the expense and craptastic quality of disposable cameras :)

Thanks, Madmouse, but I've done that already. It's actually getting her to make an appointment for someone else to come out that's the problem (which she won't let me help with). And since she sent the last guy away she's been doing all sorts of displacement stuff by sending away for independent reviews of broadband providers etc - some might say she's just doing her research but I'm pretty sure it's just an avoidance tactic. Plusnet's the cheapest and most obvious one for her to go with in this part of the country and there's really no reason for her to be going into the minutae of reading the small print about a dozen other companies. But if I just phoned them on her behalf, made an appt and told her someone was coming at 10am a week on Tuesday to sort her out, she'd hit the roof and refuse it, accusing me of "infantalising" her.

Thanks Herrena, too. That's a good idea, I don't know much about dongles. I'll maybe check out a few as that is a bit pricey atm. Do you know how long a dongle would last, with average use? Does the internet tend to be stable enough like that or does the connection get lost easily?

One of the things mum and I have occasionally talked about in the past is "exposure therapy" for the things that worry/upset her - don't know if that's the right name but you know the thing I mean, where e.g. someone with arachnophobia gets gradual exposure to a tarantula and after a while they're happy to have it sitting on their hand. My mum hates using the phone, never calls my DC etc, and I've suggested in the past that I call her briefly, just for literally 2 mins at the same time every day, just to help her get more used to it. But she's of the opinion that how can exposing her to even more frequent painful and angst-making situations possibly help her current pain? Would be good to have your thoughts on this.

Do you have a digital camera? If so can you use a memory card for photos which you can then download on to her laptop. Or encourage her to buy one of those digital photo frames?

TBH it does sound a little harsh saying no to this request from your mum. We have done this a lot as my dm is not technically savvy at all. My mum has suffered from depression and anxiety so I understand a little.
I can understand the depression making her not want to do things or do them really slowly and I think you should offer your help and then leave it at that. If you take over or force the issue it won't help her. If she wants it she has to make some effort. Also if you push too much she may feel totally overwhelmed (like with the broadband) that she is being pushed into something she doesn't want and throw it back at you.

MrsMuddyPuddles, I'm not for a second trying to "force" her to go online. It's something she desperately wants herself and the whole laptop idea was hers.

And as I already said, I have offered to be there! And she refuses! In fact, when the guy came the last time, two of her sisters were there - she'd requested they come to give her moral support while there was someone in her flat. It doesn't make any difference.

She's only got a very basic phone, no pics, but after Herrena's post I did think of putting the pics on a CD - thank you. I'm thinking that's probably the best solution at the moment.

Thanks, whyme. I'm really not a pushy person at all and I usually just leave things when I can tell she wants to stop talking about them. There is SO much we just don't talk about and sweep under the carpet! I've honestly not nagged her at all about the broadband - maybe brought it up 4 times in 8 months, perhaps?!

But the memory card/CD suggestions are great, and a decent compromise for now, I think. Thanks people.

I am sorry you are in this position Scarlett

I know now my dm is feeling a lot better we have had some good conversations about it all.

Over two years ago I encouraged my dm to apply for a particular benefit which I had looked into for her. She wouldn't, couldn't etc.
Last week, guess what she is doing it now. Sometimes the cogs turn really ssslllooowwwlllyyy.

Hope you enjoy your weekend away.

Sorry to have misunderstood your situation, Scarlett. Enjoy your time away, and good luck with your mother!

Thank you, both.

Sometimes the cogs turn really ssslllooowwwlllyyy.

That's so familiar to me, whyme.

I think the dongle my mum got had 12GB worth of data on it, so it would depend entirely on how much your mum used it. It's valid for a year regardless of whether you've used up the data allowance. You can get ones for just a few months which are cheaper I think.

My mum also really hates the phone - when we were growing up she'd always make us call people, to the extent that we got a bit anxious about it too :(
Personally I think that a regular established phone call from you to her might actually help. As long as you define the time and duration then it might help her to acclimatise a bit better. Plus you can tell her how much the DCs would love it - a little bit of emotional blackmail, true, but it might also make her feel needed and special. I'd say it was worth a try anyway.

Good luck :)

We've given a digital photo frame pre-loaded with pics as a gift to a relative, that worked well.