What do I do??

[bananacrepe]

Feel so low. Marriage going down the pan due to an affair - mine, wish desperately I hadn't done it, miss OM terribly, want to love DH again but don't know if I can. Had depression before, have had CBT for extreme anxiety (affair largely to do with low self esteem) which hasn't really helped. Feel like I'm slipping back into the pit of despair and I can't go there - I relied too much on DH before and that was why the affair happened because I was trying to be independent (stupid I know!!). OM rejected me in the end just like everyone else always has.

I just don't know what to do. I can't let work or anyone else know - I just can't. I don't know how to cope with feeling this crap. I wonder if I'll ever be normal. I don't enjoy anything any more.

Have you been able to tell your dh how much you regret what happened? Do you want to make things work again?

It sounds to me that the best thing you can do right now is seek some form of therapy or counselling to help you make sense of how this happened and why and why you feel everyone always rejects you.

Relate will also see you on your own.

I do want to make things work - its not the willingness that's lacking on either side, I just can't get those feelings back. I feel like DH is just deluded and can't see me for the failure that I am.

Everyone always gets fed up with me. I just don't know how to be happy. At least before I could still be happy about little things. Now I don't even have that. I feel exactly like I did six years ago when I had my last depressive episode and I'm starting to have panic attacks again. I don't want to go back to not being able to cope with doing things without him. I can't even go to the shops on my own without feeling overwhelmed. I'm seeing a counsellor but I just feel like I'm taking their time up too much.

Are you exploring what makes you feel that way? What makes you feel unworthy of people's love and attention, always waiting for rejection? I had that very strongly and that had a very painful unpleasant cause which I have now worked through.

And this situation is so painful and confusing that you are very likely to respond with depressive feelings. Are you on ADs? Would you consider discussing it with your GP. Sometimes they can help see you through difficult coun selling.

I don't know why I feel like that - I've always felt a bit like it. I'm really confident about some things and the complete opposite about most others. I worry constantly what others think - someone else being interested in me gave me a boost (pathetic I know, and I'm paying for it now). I was always a bullying target at school which didn't help.

I've had ADs before but they made me really, really tired. I work with children so I want to avoid them if possible.